“Q & A with the “King of Queen’s” Patton Oswalt.”

By Jason Tanamor

Question - At what age did you start your comedy career?

PO - 19.

Question - Describe a typical day for you.

PO - Tea, e-mail, masturbate, TV.



Question - You’ve done a Sierra Mist commercial, a spot on Reno 911, and had parts on a bunch of sitcoms. When are you going to have your own sitcom?

PO - Hey, yeah. What the fuck?

Question - If you do get the chance to have your own show on television, what would it be like?

PO - Like a baby's smile.

Question - When you write, do you have a goal, say a joke count to reach?

PO - 1,000 jokes every ten minutes or God punches me.

Question - How do you get your material?

PO - Bed, Bath and Jokes.



Question - What’s the best advice someone has given you?

PO - “Shut the fuck up.”

Question - What do you like doing more, stand-up or acting?

PO - Acting is more rewarding, but stand-up is more fun.

Question - If you won an Academy Award, would your speech consist of thanking anyone and everyone or something different?

PO - Something different.

Question - Any advice for aspiring comedians?

PO - Knockknock jokes.

Question - Rodney Dangerfield said that comedians are, for the most part, depressed people. Or maybe that was Jim Carrey that said that. Does that ring true with you?

PO - I'm sorry, I had a gun in my mouth. What was the question?

Question - A friend of mine confuses you with Kevin James. Have you ever been told that and if you have, would you ride it until you ended up being arrested for identity fraud?

PO - Already happened twice.

Question - Is it true that comedians get a lot of tail?

PO - I'm going to say, “Yes.”

Question - Anything else you wanted to mention?

PO - I like pussy.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"GnR Democracy." - CD Review.

By Bob Zerull

3 1/2 Stars:

Well, I actually did it; I bought the newest effort from Guns n Ro…er Axl Rose, "Chinese Democracy." Why did I buy it? Curiosity mostly. Is the album good? Yes, I gave it 3 1/2 stars on a 5 star scale. Considering that it took 17 years to make and is probably the most anticipated album of all time I'd say that 3 1/2 stars is kind of a disappointment.



Guns n Roses was the best rock band to come out of the 80's, possibly ever. There was an element of mystery behind the band. Axl Rose came out of the Steven Tyler/Mick Jagger mold of singers and may even be a step above both. Slash became an icon. He just had the look, attitude and sound. Think about the guitar players in the 80's - Eddie Van Halen, Nuno Bettencourt, Paul Gilbert, Vito Bratta, Vai, Satriani and I could go on and on. These guys could probably play circles around Slash, but there's a reason Guitar Hero asked for Slash in the third installment of the game rather the guys mentioned above.

The new Guns n Roses sounds like an over produced virtuoso fest. The solos are amazing on the album, but it's still not Guns n Roses. The album kicks off with the title track and first single "Chinese Democracy." It is a good start to the album. It contains monster guitar riffs and some incredible soloing.

The next song is "Shackler's Revenge." I want to say this is the heaviest song on the album, but it is just too over produced. It has a catchy chorus and I like the main riff of the song, but it quickly becomes nothing more than an over produced song.

The best song on the album is the third track "Better." "Better" is the closest thing on this album to a hit single. While I love the song, it is very much not a Guns n Roses song. It kind of sounds like something Avenged Sevenfold would do. Those guys are virtuoso's in their own right, so this isn't a shot at them.

Track 4 "Street of Dreams" (once a leaked song known as "The Blues") is a piano ballad much like "November Rain" and "Estranged." "Street of Dreams" has another amazing guitar section, but it lacks that ability to take over the song like Slash's playing did.

Up next is "If the World." So far this is the most forgettable track. Too much production, there's no real guitar riff and it sounds like a drum machine rather than a live drummer. "There was a Time" follows and I don't really know how to describe this song. It's kind of just blah. If you had the original band I'd think they could whip this sound into a solid deep track off of one of the "illusion" albums, but here it's just kind of nothing more than a waste of 6 minutes and 41 seconds.



"Catcher in the Rye" is the seventh track and so far is the least Guns n Roses sounding song. I think this is supposed to be one of those Axl epics, but it's missing something here to bring it to that next level.

Does anybody remember the band Yes? The next song "Scraped" starts out kind of like a Yes song, but thankfully jumps right into a nice juicy heavy riff. The next song "Raid N' the Bedouins" continues the powerful sound that "Scraped" had. With these two songs, it almost feels like Axl is trying to redefine the Guns n Roses sound rather than just reproduce it. Early on in the album you can almost picture Axl yelling at Buckethead and the other guitar players to sound more like Slash.

Sebastian Bach makes a guest appearance on the next song "Sorry." Sebastian is one of the best rock singers out there, and it would have been nice if Axl used him more than just a distant background singer. "Sorry" continues the trend of the last two songs in redefining the GNR sound. The next song "I.R.S." was also a leaked song and there's nothing special going on here.

Perhaps the most known leaked song from the album is "Madagascar." This song is the closest Rose gets to recreating that "November Rain" epic. Surprisingly it has the guitar playing that brings the song to that next level. What lacks is that the drums are so over produced that it sounds like a drum machine rather than a real drummer. Another problem with the song is the added sound bites, primarily from Dr. Martin Luther King. I don't have a problem with the sound bites, but it goes on too long. It's really disappointing, because this really is the closest thing to sounding like Guns n Roses.

"This I Love" is the second to last song on the album. This song could be a potential hit. It reminds me of Axl Rose singing a Billy Joel or Elton John song. I could see this song being in used in a movie as a montage to some depressing love story. Finally, the closing track is called "Prostitute." For a closing track this doesn't do much for me. It is a pretty straight forward boring song.

I must say it is refreshing to hear Axl's voice again. I like a lot of the songs on the album, but none of them stand out as amazing. If you're a fan of 80's rock or metal, go pick up the new Metallica or Motley Crue albums, at least those bands are who they say they are. Seriously though, those bands were able to come out with albums that stand up against their best.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.

“A lesson in art appreciation.”

By Jason Tanamor

I’ve never really been an art enthusiast. That was until I spent literally minutes observing and appreciating the hard work of the many talented artists that reside in the world. As I sat there watching, pondering, and examining, I slowly began to understand the fascination people have with art. And then it was over. No, I wasn’t in an art gallery; rather the final car of the train had passed.



A massive display of graffiti seems to highlight every train in the world.

This leads me to believe that gang members, thugs, and overall minor criminals (criminals that do minor crimes, and not criminals under the age of 18), are more than just troubled persons who do wrong for the sake of belonging. Because some of the artwork seen on the sides of trains is very detailed and well completed.

Having said this, I wonder how many great artists are and were former criminals. Bob Ross, the 70s guy with the Afro seen on PBS (the station made possible by people like you), may have been a mastermind when it came to robbing banks. He could have been responsible for some major bank robberies. Of course he would need a pretty big ski mask to cover his enormous hairdo, but that’s something for another column.



If you think about it (and I really want you to really), whenever you see footage from bank robberies on the news, the robbers are quick to spray paint the camera lenses to avoid being seen. This is the first indication of artistry spray painting the camera lenses.

And second, whenever there’s a movie that involves a bank robbery, the criminals always want unmarked bills. They want these bills to be unmarked so they can, later, mark up the bills themselves. That’s why people are always seeing dollars with lettering that reads, “God is good,” and seeing dollars with the president of the United States sporting a pair of sunglasses. This is how they sharpen their trade.

Then, when committing crimes becomes old, they either go on to become famous, like Bob Ross or Peter Max, or they revert back to their stomping grounds, which consists of painting graffiti on trains. They mix company with beginning vandalism extraordinaires, using a train car as a canvas. This is the reason why some trains are painted great, and why some are sloppy. The beginners are still honing their skills. This does not, however, explain to anyone why trains come at the wrong times, such as returning home from work or two minutes after you have held up a bank. “Oh, look. I think that’s Bob Ross. He’s stuck behind the train.”

So, while you’re waiting for that next train to pass by, instead of complaining because you have to wait for 20 minutes or longer, just be thankful and enjoy the art. Because in actuality, you’re getting this artwork for free, when you could be paying an admission fee to listen to some woman give you an explanation that won’t make sense no matter how many times you evaluate it. Her name could possibly be Natasha and she would have an accent, something you will be trying to decipher the entire time she is talking. And then when that gets frustrating, you will become more agitated when the waiter/college student has somehow run out of cheese cubes and Saltines. Now, where the hell is that box of wine?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"The principle of making Obama jokes."

By Melvin Durai

A school principal in La Vergne, Tennessee, recently wrote a humor column that poked fun at President-elect Obama and found himself in so much hot water, he decided that it would be wise, as well as efficient, to skip his weekly bath.



Stephen Lewis, principal of Rock Springs Elementary, has been writing a weekly humor column for The Murfreesboro Post for about two years. In fact, it would be accurate to say that he's the Post's principal humor columnist.

But he was virtually unknown outside his county until he wrote his post-election column, in which he did something rather original: created a parody of "The Jeffersons" theme song. In his version, Obama was "movin' on up ... to a deee-luxe pimp pad," "jetting with P. Diddy" and "chewin' on the government fat." Obama's supporters and others found it extremely offensive, naturally, that Lewis would even
suggest that Obama hangs out with P. Diddy. (Never mind that 10-year-old Malia Obama wears a T-shirt that says "Daddy loves Diddy.")

P. Diddy, for those of you who don't know, is the stage name of a popular rap artist and should not be confused with Diddy P., the question I ask whenever I check my little son's diaper.

Most readers, in truth, didn't mind the Diddy reference, but were outraged by the racial stereotypes that a school principal, of all people, had resorted to. Lewis was soon apologizing to just about everyone: readers, parents, teachers, school board members and pimps. He'll be lucky if he's able to retain his job, his column and his title of "Funniest Principal Alive." (He was also in the running for "Sexiest Principal Alive," but for the 30th consecutive year, it went to Victoria Principal.)

When a student misbehaves, he's sent to the principal's office. When a principal misbehaves, he should be sent to the student's office. Most students don't have offices, of course. They have lockers. I'm sure a student wouldn't mind keeping Lewis inside one for a few hours. He'd learn his lesson pretty quickly, especially if it's a typical male student's locker, filled with books, sneakers and the scent of a never-washed pair of gym socks.

But if we really want to punish Lewis, we should get him to spend the next few months reading all the Internet comments his column provoked:



CoolDude3129: "What an idiot! He shouldn't have apologized. I don't see how it's racist to make jokes about Obama, especially when making jokes about President Bush is a national sport."

EbonyGoddess543: "It's not a national sport, you bonehead. It's an international sport! More popular than soccer."

HotChick89: "Lewis is eight years behind. The White House hasn't been a pimp pad since Bill Clinton left."

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, for the last eight years, it has been a chimp pad."

CoolDude3129: "Hey, how come it's okay for you to call Bush a chimp? Artists have been making Bush look like a monkey for eight years, but the moment you put a banana in the same picture as Obama, you're a racist."

EbonyGoddess543: "That's because Bush IS a monkey."

CoolDude 3129:"Shut up, you moron! Don't you know that Bush and Obama have the same sized ears?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Yeah, but do they have the same sized brains?"

Joe6Pack: "You are the biggest racist in the world!"

EbonyGoddess543: "I'm not a racist. I'm African-American! When black people make fun of white people, it's not racism. It's Def Comedy Jam."

Joe6Pack: "Wait a minute. Obama is half white and half black. Would it be okay to make jokes about half of him?"

EbonyGoddess543: "Of course it would. Just make sure you pick the right half."

Joe6Pack: "Okay, here's a joke: The right half of Obama wanted to eat a bunch of bananas. The left half said, 'We've been elected president. We need to give a good impression.' And the right half replied, 'You're absolutely right. Do you want to hold the fork or should I?'"

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com.

"Tropic Thunder." - DVD Review.

By Bob Zerull

3 1/2 Stars:

I don't know how or where to start with this. It really depends on how you watch the movie. On one hand this movie is a completely unfunny movie where every joke falls flat. On the other hand this movie is a hilarious parody of the film industry. What the characters say in this movie aren't funny. What is funny is that they are saying them.



Ben Stiller stars as Tugg Speedman, a Sylvester Stallone type action star that has passed his prime. In an attempt to win an Academy Award, Speedman plays Simple Jack, a person struggling with Down Syndrome. The movie is panned by critics as one of the worst movies ever. His newest movie is a return to the franchise that made him famous, "Scorcher VI" (sound familiar "Rocky Balboa," "Rambo"?)

Starring alongside Stiller is Robert Downey Jr. as Aussie actor Kirk Lazarus. He is a multi-Academy Award winner, the type of actor who is up for any challenge and never comes out of character until the movie is done shooting. Jack Black also stars as Jeff Portnoy, an over the top comedic actor much like himself or maybe a little more specifically, Eddie Murphy, only he's addicted to heroin. Rounding out the cast are Brandon T. Jackson as rapper Alpa Chino, Nick Nolte as Vietnam vet Four Leaf Tayback and huge group of cameos including Tom Cruise as the studio head Les Grossman (I won't spoil the rest of the cameos).



Tom Cruise's character Les Grossman's studio is making a movie based on the memoirs of a Vietnam vet (Nolte). The name of the movie they're making is "Tropic Thunder." Speedman, Lazarus and Portnoy are all starring in this movie. Speedman is playing the "Rambo" type lead. Lazarus has died his skin a darker color to portray an African American character.

After the actors' egos, specifically Speedman's, cause the production to go over budget, Grossman threatens to shut production down. If the production is shut down, Speedman's career will probably be over. In an effort to save this movie, the Vietnam Vet Tayback recommends to the director that he drop the actors into the real jungle and hide cameras in the trees. The director goes for this and from there all hell ensues.

Downey Jr. is tremendous in this movie. He plays an Australian actor dressing in black face for a movie. He's probably the funniest thing in this movie (maybe Tom Cruise is), mainly because I can see someone like Sean Penn, Russell Crowe or Johnny Depp doing what he's doing and saying what he's doing. This movie has come under a lot of fire because of the Simple Jack character that Stiller's character plays. There was nothing really funny about Simple Jack. What was funny is that I can see a real actor belittling the handicap by thinking if they dropped themselves down to their level they could win an Academy Award.

Stiller wrote, directed and starred in this movie and he did a great job, but he was probably the least funny in the movie. Jack Black was essentially parodying himself, Downey Jr. was parodying himself, but Stiller was parodying Stallone. This movie would have been even funnier if a Stallone or The Rock or any action star had played this role.

This movie isn't for everybody. This isn't a movie full of jokes. The jokes are really the characters and if you know that going in then I think you'll find this movie incredibly funny. If you're looking for jokes and great one liners then this movie will leave you disappointed. I recommend this movie nonetheless, because Downey Jr. and Cruise are so good and funny.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.

“Gerry Bednob in Hindi is not money, glamour or greed.”

By Jason Tanamor

You may know Gerry Bednob from his role in the movie, “The 40-Year-Old Virgin.” Remember? He was the guy who worked with Andy (Steve Carrell). His name was Mooj and he always riffed with Jay. But did you know Bednob is also a stand-up comedian? He recently took time out of his busy schedule to riff with us.



Q - You're the first Bangladesh comedian I know. How many others are there?

A - Here is a little history for what it's worth. My grandfather was born in a part of India which is now Bangladesh created as recent as 1971. My family migrated to the West Indies (Trinidad) via London. Here I was "created." We then moved to Canada. I was a high school counselor in Toronto and then branched out to the next logical profession – stand-up comedy. When I inferred in my act that I am from Trinidad, hardly anyone knew where the fuck Trinidad was so my reference jokes made no sense. That's when I decided to pull from some of my background and the Bangladesh comic was born. I also realized that the word Bangladesh is funnier and a comic from there is so farfetched considering the overall situation there. So, I am a West Indian masquerading as an East Indian but who gives a fuck if you are funny, right? Make sense?

I have run into several Indian comics over recent years but as far as I know I have been the first for several years. Many of those comics tell me that I am their inspiration but I say, “Bullshit.” Unless my name in Hindi translates money, glamour, greed, hate my 8-4 job, lots of pussy, one-night stands, free drugs, insecurity, fucked-up club owners and bookers, groupies (some HIV'S thrown in there), joke thieves and hacks who are always "happy" for you - oh shit, I am still on the first question –

Q - Do you find it annoying when strange people come up to you and tell you jokes?

A - I don’t mind when strangers tell me jokes, and it’s almost always an old joke, but I do mind when they suggest that I add it to my act. My usual reply is, “I have too much respect for George Burns to use his joke.”

Q - How difficult is it being a foreigner in show business?

A - For a foreigner in show business it's not much different if the foreigner is being realistic and realizes that TV and movie audiences are geared to material they can identify with. So I personally don't expect a sitcom or movie to be centered around my ethnicity because it would be a hard sell plain and simple and investors don't intend to take chances. I won't. In my stand-up I start by introducing my background but I don't expect audiences to be thrilled for over 45 minutes about my background. There are just so many jokes there and it becomes tiring real fast so I move on to observations of local culture from my perspective. This is why Judd Apatow wisely used me sparingly in “The 40 Year Old Virgin.” I could not have fit into one of (Steve) Carell's friends. Think of how effectively Andy Kaufman was used in "Taxi." A foreigner should be ready for when called upon to fill in the "odd ball" role. Don't expect too much. I don't expect to fill in for Brad Pitt right now. Give me a couple months.



Q - Do you find yourself being stereotyped because of your ethnicity when it comes to TV and movie roles?

A - I find myself stereotyped but I accept the roles. But I won’t be prostituted. It has to be within the boundaries of what "my people" would do as opposed to what some producers think we would do. Outlandish and outrageous acts. I refuse to do a caricature of myself or background. Quite often some writers and suits have no idea what an Indian accent sounds like. Case in point - me. My accent is 100% Trinidadian on or off stage but so many people think it's Indian. To begin with there is no such thing as a specific Indian accent. There are literally thousands of different dialects in India. Think of the U.S. - Southern, Brooklyn, NY, accents. What's an American accent? I know a lot of Indian actors who whine about stereotype - 7-11 employees, etc. but I don't see them turning roles down. An Indian guy actually scolded me when I told him I was playing a 7-11 clerk. Guess what? He ended up playing my fucking son in that scene. Needless to say I needled that fucker for the two days of shooting. I kept saying to him, "So, how is my Brooklyn born son?" Just let them wait for the Indian doctor role which is in abundance.

Q - Being on "40 Year Old Virgin," how different is it auditioning now having been on a hit movie versus not having credits at all?

A - Auditions have been plentiful since “The Virgin.” More often than not it's just the offers based on “Virgin.”

Back to my accent. My agent asked me to do a Guru voice for “Avatar,” a Disney show. I told him I was not wasting my time because there were a zillion authentic Indians who would fit the role better. Then he said, “No, no, they wanted you and the same accent as in ‘Virgin.’” So there, a Trinidadian Guru. Wow!



Q - I met you at a club one time. You were talking about "40 Year Old Virgin" being your try out for future roles. How much has being on this movie helped so far?

A - Here is something interesting: I am in a VH1 series called, “Free Radio.” We start shooting the second season in January. The ad for my role was, "Looking for an actor like the guy from ‘The 40 Year Old Virgin.’" Guess who showed up to the chagrin of about 10 auditioners dressed like my character in the movie? I was the only one not dressed like me. Could you imagine if somebody had done me better than me? You would be reading my epitaph right now. One guy saw me walk in and said, “Fuck, what am I doing here?" And then he left. Actually, the star and casting director, Lance Krall, did not think I was available or would be interested. What? Try me. He said he was thrilled to have me on board.

Q - So, you're a successful stand-up comedian and have been in a hit movie. What else do you want to accomplish as an entertainer?

A - I would like to continue both my stand-up and TV and movie work. My stand-up keeps me confident because I play all roles - writer, director, etc. It keeps me fresh. There are no cuts and takes. One take and that's it. Fuck up or no fuck up, nobody to blame but me. Love the challenge. Judd Apatow allowed us to improvise - the sign of a secure writer/director. I would say 30% improv that he approved.

Q - What projects are you working on?

A - I am currently getting ready for Season 2 of “Free Radio” and I’m off to Vancouver to shoot a short film (no audition) in February.

Even in my brief appearance in “Zack and Miri Make a Porno,” Seth Rogen and Kevin Smith were gracious enough to wave the audition. Hey, they knew I needed my Health Insurance coverage.

Q – So what are you doing now?

A - I am in Vegas, at the Riviera Hotel, NY's Eve week and at the Borgata Hotel in Atlantic City in March.

Cheers, Gerry.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“As you are reading this.”

By Jason Tanamor

As you are reading this, there is a movie going on above you. At least, that was what I was thinking as I was watching this foreign film recommended by my friend. She said, “You have to watch this movie. BUT,” and I am capitalizing ‘but’ to show emphasis, “the movie is in sub-titles that you have to read. But you have to watch this movie.”



OK.

I used to love foreign and artsy films with sub-titles. I do not really anymore. The reason is because with my busy schedule, I would much rather watch something that I can doze off to than to have to read. Also, I feel as if I am reading the movie, I am missing out on the actors’ acting and gesticulations that suggest the scene and storyline. For example, this comes up on the screen.

“I did NOT do that!”

“YES you did!”

NO, I did NOT!”

And then you hear a door slamming. Underneath the picture, the words (door slams) appear.

Thank you for that, character generator operator.



This conversation leads me to believe there is conflict. After all, they did stress the words and after each dialogue, there was an exclamation point. Never mind, the action on screen, which I missed because I was reading, showed the man slamming his fist on the table, and the woman, whew! (exclamation point to show effect) was redder than the state of Texas.

I would rather have the cheesy voice over so I could watch the actors show me frustration. All this while some Japanese man is screaming at a customer while an actor with choppy English is saying, “You be here foh ow was!” (Translated: You have been here for four hours!)

If that was the case, then I could see how pissed the man was, PLUS (capitalized to show effect) hear the anger.

So, to those who make foreign or artsy films, consider cheesy voice over's rather than reading. And in case you did not realize, while you were reading this, I slammed my fist, lowered my eyebrows, smirked twice, rolled my eyes, AND masturbated, all on the page above you.

(writer posts blog)

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"Zombie Strippers - Need I say more?" - DVD Reviews.

By Bob Zerull

Zombie Strippers – 3 Stars:

The Machine Girl – 3 1/2 Stars:

Every year my brother throws a party he likes to call Horrorfest. He started the "tradition" in high school. He and his friends would stay up all night watching horror movies. Initially he tried watching real horror movies like "Halloween." They quickly moved away from quality horror movies and went with intentionally bad horror movies. A well made intentionally bad horror movie can be quite fun to watch such as "Feast" or "Hatchet." The majority are just downright too painful to watch such as "Shatter Dead," "Die You Zombie Bastards" or "The Void." Every now and then we accidentally see a good movie such as "Murder Party" or "Behind the Mask." Everything else is soft core porn such as "Pervert" and "The Bare Wench" trilogy.



This year's Horrorfest included the movies "Zombies, Zombies, Zombies," "The Machine Girl," "Pervert," "Dance of the Dead," "Boy Eat Girl," and "Zombie Strippers." I'm not going to review all of these movies. The two movies that stood out in my opinion were "The Machine Girl" and "Zombie Strippers."

"The Machine Girl" also known as "Kataude Mashin Garu" is a Japanese movie about a Japanese school girl whose family is killed by a family of ninjas. In her quest for revenge her hand is cut off and replaced with various weapons. For fans of "Planet Terror," "Kill Bill," "Versus," and Takashi Miike's "Ichi the Killer" you will enjoy this movie. It is a fun and gory ride. I recommend reading the subtitles though, because we listened to the English dubbing and it felt like listening to a cartoon while watching the gory action packed mess.



"Zombie Strippers" stars Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger) and porn queen Jenna Jameson. The movie starts out with George W. Bush winning his 4th term as president with VP Schwarzenegger. Bush outlaws public nudity. The US Army tracks down a zombie virus that they think they have contained until one of the infected soldiers sneaks away into an underground strip club run by Robert Englund's germaphobic character. Then we watch Jenna Jameson and other strippers strip for about 10 minutes - maybe longer. Eventually, the infected soldier turns into a zombie and attacks Jenna Jameson while she's on stage dancing and infects her. The zombie form of Jenna Jameson gets back up and continues to strip, but the guys like it more. Robert Englund decides he wants to capitalize on this and make a profit. Jenna Jameson takes a man back for a lap dance, bites his dick off and then he becomes a zombie. Englund locks up all the male zombies and lets Jameson do her thing. Other strippers ask Jenna to infect them and then you've got a bunch of zombie strippers. So really, the title says it all.

With "Night of the Living Dead," George Romero changed the face of zombie movies. Romero changed it again with "Dawn of the Dead." Then the zombie movie rules changed with Danny Boyle's "28 Days Later" and Zack Snyder's "Dawn of the Dead" remake. Now the rules have changed again with "Zombie Strippers." Not really. "Zombie Strippers" is a fun parody of the Romero movies. Romero's movies are famous for the social commentary told within his movies. The social commentary in "Zombie Strippers" is so over the top that I couldn't help but laugh at the homage to Romero. If you are into well done, intentionally bad horror movies, or you're the type of person to watch a movie called "Zombie Strippers," this movie is for you.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.

"Obama TV: All Obama, all the time."

By Melvin Durai

CHICAGO - Talk show host Oprah Winfrey has announced a new venture for her company, Harpo Studios: Obama TV (OTV).

"Over the last year or so, I've noticed that America just cannot get enough of Barack Obama and his family, so I thought to myself, 'Why not have a 24-hour network that covers everything Obama?'" Winfrey said, speaking at a press conference in Chicago. "It's a historic time in America and many people have told me that they don't want to miss a single moment of it, except of course when the Oprah Winfrey
Show is on."



Financial guru Mani Pundit predicted that OTV would turn Winfrey from a mere billionaire into a zillionaire. "It's a brilliant idea," Pundit said. "CNN's ratings shoot up every time they show anything about Obama. Why else would they have 10 analysts debating whether Obama uses Crest or Colgate?"

Harpo released a tentative daytime schedule for OTV, which will promote itself with the slogan "No drama, just Obama."

6 to 7 a.m. - Fitness with Obama: Get in shape with a series of moves that the president is promoting, including belt-tightening, budget-stretching and figure-massaging. Just an hour a day will do wonders for your fiscal fitness.

7 to 9 a.m. - Obama Today: A hard-hitting news show that will keep you informed on all the latest Obama news, including when the president woke up and what he had for
breakfast. Regular features on the show include "Obama Agenda," "Eloquent Quote of the Day" and "Kenya Relative Report."

9 to 10 a.m. - Meet the Dress: Fashion experts discuss the latest dress worn by Michelle Obama. Handbags, shoes and other accessories will also be critiqued. Viewers will have the opportunity to call in and suggest what the First Lady should wear the next day.

10 to 11 a.m. - The Amazing Race: Scenes from the 2008 presidential race, such as the never-before-seen footage of Obama telling his adviser David Axelrod that if he wins the presidency, anything is possible, even the Cubs winning the World Series.



11 to Noon - Everybody Loves Barack: Public figures such as Magic Johnson, Holly Robinson Peete and Jesse Jackson reveal what the Obama presidency means to them and how much they cried on election night. In the first show, Halle Berry discloses that she cried so much, she had to be treated at the hospital for dehydration.

Noon to 1 p.m. - Obama Book Club: Nobel Prize-winning author Toni Morrison hosts a discussion of books written about Obama, not just the positive books, but also the
extremely positive ones.

1 to 2 p.m. - Tales of the Underdog: A special White House correspondent will report on the activities of the First Dog. Viewers will hear interesting tidbits on the dog, such as where it slept, what it drank, and how many Republicans it barked at.

2 to 3 p.m. - Guess Who Came to Dinner: Get the scoop on who was invited to dinner at the White House last night, what they were served and whether any silverware went
missing.

3 to 4 p.m. - Obama's Got Talent: Former classmates of Barack Obama discuss the talents that were evident to them years ago, from his speaking ability to his socializing skills to his knack for staying awake in Medieval History. Viewers will hear many interesting details, such as the fact that Obama's high school teacher wrote on his report card: "Barack is a natural leader. I expect big things from him. Who knows, maybe one day he'll even be elected a church deacon!"

4 to 5 p.m. - All His Children: What did Sasha and Malia learn in school today? Tune in and find out! Experts will discuss the girls' education and whether their parents made the right choice of school. Other topics include how they dressed at school, what they ate for lunch and whether they spoke to any boys.

5 to 6 p.m. - Obama.we.are: A must-see show featuring the latest Obama-related music videos by hip-hop artist will.i.am. On Nov. 7, shortly after Obama won the election,
the Black Eyed Peas frontman released his hit "It's a New Day." In December, he will release his follow-up hit "It's a New Month." And in January, he will release another hit, "It's a New Year."

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com.

"Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds – Thank You Ben Affleck." - DVD Review.

By Bob Zerull

3 1/2 Stars:

Does anybody remember Matt Damon & Ben Affleck’s Project Greenlight contest? After the success of "Good Will Hunting," which Ben and Matt wrote and starred in, they decided to give struggling screenwriters a chance to submit their best script into the contest. The best script would be chosen and the writer would be hired to direct the film. The making of the film was also filmed as a TV series for HBO. Pete Jones was the season one winner with his script "Stolen Summer." The movie failed to get a theatrical release, but check it out, especially if you are interested in religion, but aren’t too stubborn in your beliefs. Season two produced another financial failure in "The Battle of Shaker Heights." For Season three, Dimension Films decided that they wanted to make a profit, so they brought Wes Craven on board and decided they were going to make a horror movie.



By season three, Project Greenlight decided not only to give a shot to struggling screenwriters, but they’d also give a shot to struggling directors (they actually made this change for season two and "The Battle of Shaker Heights"). The winner of season three was the screenwriting team of Marcus Dunstan and Patrick Melton, who went on to write "Saw IV" and "V." (I haven’t seen "Saw V" yet, but "Saw IV" is the worst of the series so far). The winning director was John Gulager, who was clearly the best director of all three seasons. John Gulager had a vision and he didn’t give a shit that this was a low budget movie, he was going to take his time and make the movie he wanted to.



By the end of the season three television series (now on Bravo), Harvey and Bob Weinstein decided that they liked what they saw so much they were going to give extra money to the project to get it right. The result was a movie called "Feast," described by the writers as "Evil Dead" meets "Diner." This was the first Project Greenlight film to get a national theatrical release - a one day theatrical release. I was lucky enough to catch one of the screenings and loved every minute of this movie.

This brings us to "Feast 2: Sloppy Seconds." Both Gulager and the writing team of Dunstan & Melton were back for the sequel. Could "Feast 2" actually live up to the first movie's potential? I guess the answer is no, but this is still a fun movie for horror fans. "Feast 2" begins where "Feast" left off. It’s the next day and the crazy, humping, zombie like aliens are still attacking the Earth. A couple of actors from the first one return, but other than that there is a brand new cast.

This movie is gory, shocking and hilarious. "Feast" broke the “rules” of horror and "Feast 2" takes it to another level. The characters in this movie range from a lesbian biker gang (led by Gulager’s wife), midget Lucha Libres, a husband and wife, and the wife’s guy on the side. This movie is gross, but it is hilariously gross. "Feast 2" is all about the surprises, so I want to save most of them for you, but if you want a treat, read the spoiler.

*SPOILER*

There is a scene involving an ejaculating alien penis. This alien jizzes all over the cast and throughout the rest of the movie these characters are covered in jizz. If after that you don’t want to see this movie, then this movie clearly is not for you.

*END SPOILER*

Unlike the first one, this movie was not meant for the theater. The only thing bad about this movie is some of the effects, which would have looked even worse on the big screen. This movie does start off kind of slow, but don’t give up on it. Once they start dissecting the alien, this movie takes off and never stops. So is it as good as "Feast?" No, but it’s better that "Saw II," "III" & "IV." If you’re into gross, hilarious horror movies, check this out.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.

“Mr. Methane is a gas – literally.”

By Jason Tanamor

Mr. Methane, the world’s greatest farter, stopped by to gas it up with me. And although I could cut into some obvious puns here, I’m not going to. But let’s just say that by the time he was through, I was totally winded from the conversation. I’ve never seen someone light it up like this.



Q - How is it that you can fart on command?

A - I expand my sphincter muscle, suck air into my colon and then blow it out to make the fart sound. I basically breathe with my ass, the French call it Petomania after Le Petoman but in England we call it Controlled Anal Voicing.

Q - How many farts can you let out in a minute?

A - About 60, that’s one per second.

Q - Have you ever tried too hard and shit your pants?

A - Yes I did once, forgot to clear my throat before a show and ended up catching a bear in the net. It was at a Hen Party in Hyde, Cheshire, UK, many years ago.

Q - How did you first discover this talent?

A - It all started quite by accident at the tender age of fifteen. I was practicing the Full Lotus position encouraged by my Yoga loving sister when I discovered the ability to breathe both fore and aft, so to speak. The next day I gave a lunch time performance for a group of friends in the squash courts at Ryles Park County High School, Macclesfield, Cheshire, England. I think twenty rapid fire rasping farts in under a minute was the order of the day, quite an achievement and so popular was it that this became a regular event, swelling my pocket money reserves.

Q - What made you decide to take this talent public?

A - Thatcherism. Maggie (Margaret Thatcher) was telling us (UK citizens) that the old economic model of working for a large manufacturing industry as an employee was dead. Small was beautiful and we were all to be little self employed business people making the most of our God given talents to earn a crust and so that’s what I did.



Q - Who are your farting heroes?

A - Not sure if I have any, I mean there aren't loads of us around (professional Farters that is). I do like Fartman’s creator Howard Stern, he understands English humor and the concept of understatement and irony in comedy. He's a funny guy but most importantly he's a good bloke.

Q - W hat is your diet like?

A - I eat very healthy, lots of fruit and vegetables but diet isn't important beyond the fact that what I do is physical and so I need to be healthy like a sportsman or woman.

Q - Is your farting something you use to pick up women?

A – It’s better that they know what I do beforehand as some people cannot see beyond the Mr. Methane character and if it’s revealed to them later rather than earlier, well they have difficulties coming to terms with it.

Q - Should we not try this at home?

A - Only in a well ventilated room.

Q - Anything else?

A - Yes my Merry Methane CD is the ultimate Christmas present, available online at www.mrmethane.com. It’s the gift you can buy for people you don’t like as well as those you do.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Terra Naomi inspires people with her music.”

By Jason Tanamor

Most people spend their lives working a number of jobs until they find a career that’s right for them. But not Terra Naomi, she’s always wanted to be a musician. “I just didn’t know which type of music,” Naomi said. However, she did have her fair share of jobs while pursuing a life in music. “I worked for a telemarketing agency, retail clothing stores, a travel agency, was a personal assistant for an actress, assisted in a plastic surgeon’s office, and worked in a jewelry store,” said Naomi. “I’ve done a little bit of everything.”



Naomi, who graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in classical voice, but did not want to be a classical musician, narrowed her style of music down. “It’s pop/rock but very soulful, kind of like if you mixed Alicia Keys and Alanis Morissette and Janis Joplin,” Naomi said.

Her style of writing has been influenced by a wide range of musical talents. “I’ve learned a lot about song structure from artists like Carole King and Elton John. The whole verse/chorus/bridge thing, the structure of a good pop song. It’s a craft that is learned and those artists are the best teachers,” said Naomi. “I learned a lot about putting words to music from listening to Joni Mitchell. She is so expressive and poetic while still writing catchy, memorable melodies.”



About her vocals, Naomi said, “I learned about singing your ass off and putting your whole soul into every note from Janis Joplin and Aretha Franklin.”

Naomi, who taught herself how to play the guitar, and also plays the piano, also handles all her business affairs. “I do everything myself, the driving, loading in and out of the venue, selling the merchandise, booking the gigs, and handling the money,” Naomi said. “It’s way too much and I can’t wait to have people help me with this. I get a bit sick of doing everything myself, but I love the traveling and I love being on the road. And when I have a few people to help with all the various aspects that go into being on the road, I’ll be very happy.”

That’s not to say all the hard work isn’t worth it, unlike some of the reality shows that are on the air nowadays like “American Idol,” who offer everything for doing hardly anything. “I don’t feel much about those shows. I don’t watch them, don’t really care about the outcome,” Naomi said. “Sure, it’s kind of annoying to see people audition for a TV show and win an instant career, but I firmly believe in the whole “easy come easy go” thing. I’ve put in the work for this career and this is my life and has been for years, and I’m going to be around for a long time.”

As for the audiences that come to her shows, Naomi wants them to get everything they can out of it. “I want them to have a wonderful musical experience where they love the performance and appreciate that aspect and I also want them to get something more personal out of it. I want them to be entertained but I also want them to think,” said Naomi. “And I want them to feel inspired in their own lives. That’s what I hope for when I go to a see a show, and that’s the most that I could want for my audiences.”



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"That was just Metallica!!!" - Concert Review.

By Bob Zerull

5 Stars:

(Metallica concert - 11/08/08, Moline, IL)

I'm a Metallica fan. This will have been my 5th Metallica concert. My first Metallica concert was the Summer Sanitarium Tour in St. Louis Missouri with Korn, Kid Rock, Powerman 5000, and System of a Down. We got there at one in the afternoon, it was 100 degrees and by the time Metallica was over I had lost 30 lbs. The parking lot was close to a mile away from the stadium and one of us must have inadvertently popped the trunk before we went to the show, because it was open when we got back after the show and the car battery was dead. It couldn't even be jumped. Yet somehow that was the best concert I had ever been to, probably because my Metallica cherry had been popped.



Every Metallica show has its defining moment, but between all the live shows and live videos that I have seen, I pretty much knew what to expect. I knew what James was going to say between songs, I knew what Lars would say after the show, I knew that at the end of "Enter Sandman" they'd pause forever and then go back into that monster riff. Basically every Metallica show was going to be comparable to one another, which isn't a bad thing since they are amazing performers. This last time I was knocked on my ass.

The opening act was a band called The Sword. The Sword is pretty much a straight forward band inspired by 80's thrash metal, particularly Metallica. The Sword is from Austin, Texas and apparently Lars Ulrich is one of their biggest supporters. While the band was on a previous tour, they had heard that Lars was a huge fan. As a joke they had put Lars on the VIP list every night. As they toured America night after night Lars never showed. After a show in San Fransisco, Lars showed up backstage and the now The Sword is opening for Metallica.

Metallica's stage was set up in the middle of the arena rather than the typical end stage set up. At times it was hard to see the band, but The Sword was a solid opener with some nice riffs that were nothing spectacular, but a good start to a great night.



Down took the stage next. Down is a super group led by front man Phil Anselmo of Pantera and guitarist Pepper Keenan of Corrosion of Conformity. Metallica has balls by letting a front man such as Phil Anselmo open for them. That man has a presence. I guarantee you less than a quarter of that arena had ever heard of Down. For most of the show the people in the seats were sitting. By the end of the show Phil had everybody on their feet with their fists pumping. Whether he was bashing the microphone into his head (cutting his head open) or dedicating a song to the late Dimebag Darrell, Phil owned that stage.

Fifteen minutes later the lights cut out and "Ecstasy of Gold" from the movie "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" blasted through the speakers. As soon as the song ended the band took the stage and ripped into "That Was Just Your Life" from the new album "Death Magnetic." The band played the first song to an extravagant light show that would have made Pink Floyd proud.

I can honestly say that I have never been a part of a crowd that was so excited to hear new material from an established band. Metallica played five songs off their new album. Usually the running joke is that when the older established bands play new songs you go grab a beer or go to the bathroom. Not tonight. I'd have been happy if they played nothing but new stuff and I don't think I'd be alone.

The first big shocker of the night was "Harvester of Sorrow," which I had never seen them play live. During "One," they showed off their colored flaming pyro. Prior to jumping into "Sad But True," James apologized for the song being too heavy. They seemed like a band on a mission. I think it has been a long time since a new Metallica album earned them this many new fans. Not one song was played from the albums "Load," "Reload," or "St. Anger."

It's hard to pick out the highlights of a show that never quit. For me I suppose "The Four Horsemen," "Last Caress," and "Breadfan" were at least the biggest surprises. Metallica closed the show with "Seek and Destroy" while giant inflatable black beach balls dropped on the crowd. If you have a chance to see this tour I recommend checking it out. Even if you've seen Metallica a thousand times before, there was something different about Metallica this time around.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.

“Surfing at the speed of light.”

By Jason Tanamor

It’s hard for me to believe that not only do I have the fastest Internet speed possible, but that I STILL find ways to bitch about it. If having to wait more than three seconds for streaming video to load continues to be a problem, I’m going to have to throw my computer out the window. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost my patience. I’ve already given up with the ATM’s and their lines of more than two deep. I’m sorry, but I have better things to do than to stand around and wait 20 seconds.



It’s funny, because the world as we know it has lost its patience. Whether companies need to invent even faster products, such as Faster Acting Tinactin, Quicker Than an Instant Oatmeal, or Light Speed Internet, something needs to be done. Because I’m telling you, things can’t be done fast enough. Somewhere on this planet is one man saying, “Give me the fastest technology possible. For I have too many things to get done.”

Time is money. And for this man, he’s worth ten million dollars.

The only thing that doesn’t need to go quick is, of course, bow chicka bow wow, which is an entirely different column.

This column is being written as I’m waiting for the last week episode of “30 Rock” to launch on nbc.com. As I count the seconds until it does, I can’t help but reflect on the days when Internet came into my life.

Back in 1993, a wonderful service came into my household - AOL. Back then, AOL was 99% potential, 1% capability. Everybody and their mother had AOL. It came free on a disk when you subscribed to Sports Illustrated, or opened up a box of Frosted Flakes. “AOL, that’s gr-r-r-r-reat!”

Needless to say, my family had it too. It was installed on my 56K modem computer. Anyone that ever had one of these, when turned on, it sounded as if it had asthma. Nothing but panting was heard until the bright cursor led you into the Windows ‘78 version or some shit. The phone cord that plugged back into the computer which depth was deeper than my race car bed led me to the promise land - the information two lane, no passing, oh by the way there’s a tractor in front of me, highway.

AOL loaded and the dial-up rang like a fax machine to which I crossed my fingers and cheered this baby on. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.” When it finally connected, my service was slower than a downs boy giving me directions.



I remember I logged into a chat room. I followed the conversation and gave my two cents. Unfortunately, the no speed modem I had and the abundance of AOL users caused my computer to freeze. By the time it unfroze and I could finish my sentence, there were four more conversations that passed. The result was my lone sentence in the middle of an entirely different conversation. It read something like this.

User 1 - I know, I do that too.
User 2 - Really?
Me - I love fried chicken.
User 1 - ROFL.
User 2 - LOL
User 1 - Yes I do User 2, and I love fried chicken too Me.

I had to post another sentence telling people that the one that just came up was for four conversations ago. By the time I was able to enter this sentence, my computer had twice froze and three times disconnected, making the sentence appear six days later. The result of this was my telling people that the next sentence will hopefully match a conversation being had a month from now. So, I found myself typing random sentences with hopes I could actually say I was in an actual chat room chat. Things like, “That sounds like fun,” and “Amazing” were my fail safes.

User 1 - I can do the robot, but that’s it.
User 2 - Really?
Me - That sounds like fun.
User 1 - It is Me.
User 2 - Rock on User 1.
Me - Amazing.

With the way technology is today, and the sense of the gratification that comes along with being the fastest at everything, we really need to remember the times when Internet was in its infant stages and be grateful for what we have. Pretty soon, we’ll be saying to our PC’s, “Log me in Scotty.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"There's something interesting in every cabinet"

By Melvin Durai

Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, recently announced his new cabinet, giving portfolios of all sorts to 38 people. The cabinet includes Bev Oda, Minister of International Co-operation (formerly known as the Minister of Peace and Goodwill), Rona Ambrose, Minister of Labor (formerly the Minister of Labor and Childbirth), and Jim Prentice, Minister of the Environment (formerly the Minister of Ice and Snow).



Stockwell Day is the Minister of International Trade, which explains why there's a sign inside the Canadian Superstore that says: "Thanks to Stockwell Day, it's a well-stocked
day."

Also in the new cabinet are Peter Van Loan, Minister of Public Safety (it's important to keep the public safe) and Christian Paradis, Minister of Public Works (it's important to keep the public working). Van Loan, as you can guess from his name, was also under serious consideration for the position of Minister of Vehicle Rentals.

The cabinet has four ministers in charge of "affairs": Gregory Thompson, Minister of Veterans Affairs, Josee Verner, Minister of Intergovernmental Affairs, Lawrence Cannon, Minister of Foreign Affairs, and Chuck Strahl, Minister of Indian Affairs (yes, Indians have affairs too).Cannon's appointment is a significant one, because it's been more than 50 years since Canada used a Cannon to handle Foreign Affairs.

Also appointed to the cabinet are Lisa Raitt, Minister of Natural Resources, Gail Shea, Minister of Fisheries and Oceans, and Helena Guergis, Minister of Backyard Pools. Actually, Guergis is Minister of State, Status of Women, a promotion from her previous position: Minister of State, Status of Babes and Honeys.

Cabinet positions vary considerably from one country to the next, as you can imagine. In India, Prime Minister Manmohan Singh's Cabinet includes Lalu Prasad, Minister of Railways (also known as the Minister of Train Delays), Priya Ranjan Dasmunsi, Minister of Information and Broadcasting (also known as the Minister of Censorship), and Sis Ram Ola, Minister of Mines (also known as the Minister of Yours).



The cabinet has seven ministers in charge of "affairs," including Pranab Mukherjee, Minister of External Affairs, Shivraj V. Patil, Minister of Home Affairs, P.R. Kyndiah, Minister of Tribal Affairs, and Prem Chand Gupta, Minister of Company Affairs (the most common type of affair).

The minister with the most power is, of course, Sushilkumar Shinde, Minister of Power. But I wouldn't want to mess with Ram Vilas Paswan, Minister of Chemicals and Fertilizers. Nor would I want to tangle with Vayalar Ravi, Minister of Overseas Indian Affairs. I have nothing but awe for a man who oversees Indians overseas.

I also have to tip my hat to Syed Khursheed Shah of Pakistan, who serves as Minister for Labor, Manpower and Overseas Pakistanis. It may seem like an odd combination, but it makes sense: if you don't keep Pakistanis employed and happy, they soon become overseas Pakistanis.

Perhaps the most cutting-edge portfolio belongs to Australia's Stephen Conroy, Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy. I'm not sure what it involves, but it sure sounds impressive, especially the "Digital Economy" part. It would be more impressive, of course, if he were Minister for Broadband, Communications, the Digital Economy and Overseas Australian Affairs with Indians and Pakistanis.

Growing up in Zambia, I was envious of one minister in particular, the Minister of Sports. I wanted that job. Nothing would have been sweeter than attending all the football games, tennis tournaments and, if I could take a pillow along, chess matches.

These days, I'm envious of General Ulises Rosales del Toro of Cuba. He truly has a sweet job: Minister of Sugar.

Come to think of it, India does not have a Minister of Sugar. You'd think the country would at least have a Minister of Sweets. If anyone from the government is reading this, I'd like to offer my services for a much-needed position: Minister of Sweets for Overseas Indians.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com.

“Lisa Loeb has staying power.”

By Jason Tanamor

When Lisa Loeb burst onto the scene, she was an unsigned artist with a hit song for a hit movie. That was in 1994. Now, nearly 15 years later, the multi-talented singer and songwriter of “Stay (I Missed You)” is back with a new album that’s not only for her regular audience, but for kids as well.

Loeb recently took time from her busy schedule for an interview.



Q - You first broke onto the scene with “Stay (I Missed You).” How fast did your life change after the release of this song?

A - My life got even more crazy busy after the song became popular. I was in the middle of doing everything an independent musician does - playing shows, advertising the shows, making flyers, doing temp work, writing, recording, rehearsing with my band and playing shows, a few shows in other cities, developing the fan base, and all of a sudden I was also balancing the activities that happen when you have a commercial hit song - promotions on radio stations all over the country, interviews, TV appearances, and lots of people who wanted to re-connect and celebrate the success, lots of contracts that had to be signed and business relationships that had to be officially defined in contracts, a bidding war between major labels, which was the culmination of years and years of exploring the music business. It's hard to explain exactly, but it was like living many lives at once, and it was just very busy, and exciting.

Q - You came onto the scene when the likes of Jewel, Sarah McLachlan, Liz Phair, and Sheryl Crow were a huge part of the musical landscape. Now, with “American Idol,” and the country music version of the show, how different is it for you as an artist who primarily relies on her singing and songwriting and playing to put out music nowadays versus back when you first came out?

A - I still think the songwriting, performance, and production are most important, but as always, marketing is also very important to get the music out to people. I've always thought that musicians should make music and then figure out how to sell it (or get a friend or business partner(s) to help them) so that they can make a living, which gives most people the peace of mind to have the mental freedom to continue to create. I think you're really asking if I feel pressure to make really commercial music with more focus on the selling than on the music. If so, the answer is "no." I couldn't imagine doing something with the sole focus of making $$ or being famous. That's not a good life to lead.



Q - Your music has always been melodic in terms of a listening and storytelling standpoint. Is there a specific approach you take when you sit down to write a song?

A - Each songwriting process is different. There's some combination of ideas falling out of my head onto the guitar or into words or melody and at some point I have to sit down and figure out what I want to say, and/or just say it/sing it. That's the homework part: the finishing of the song. Sometimes I write with other people from scratch. Sometimes I call up writer friends to sit with me and help me finish songs, especially when I've started to over think the songs.

Q - Your new album is called “Camp Lisa.” Now there’s a Camp Lisa Foundation. Tell me a little bit about this.

A - I loved summer camp growing up, and I loved the music we did there. I thought it would make a great kids' album - there's so much variety too - fun songs, gross-out songs, deep songs sung around a campfire, songs with lots of words, melodic songs that sound like1970's soft rock songs. I wanted to share the camp experience with people who've gone to camp and those who haven't. Then I realized we should share the camp experience with kids who normally wouldn't have the opportunity to go so I started the Camp Lisa Foundation to do that. The proceeds of the album sales are going to send kids to camp!

Q - Now I understand you were on a television show on the Food Network. How did this come about?

A - I love food, and named an album “Cake and Pie.” It was based on my philosophy that sometimes you don't have to choose - if someone offers you cake or pie, you can say cake and pie. Also, it refers literally to the fact that I usually take both (or all) desserts offered to me. Anyway, as part of the promotion of the album, Dweezil Zappa and I devised a show in which our chef/friend Mark Tarbell would do a pie making demo on stage and we'd play songs and interview him, much like a cooking show, and then the audience would take away pie samples. Interscope Records, our label at the time, wasn't interested in financially supporting the idea, so we decided to go directly to Food Network to see if they might want to showcase our pie-making/music-playing promotion in one of their already existing shows, and instead, they were taken by our enthusiasm for the network, which we watched constantly, and our love of food, and how it related to our lives as musicians. So, they offered us a show.

Q - What types of foods do you like to cook?

A - I love sweets - cookies, cakes, brownies, and salads - really diverse salads that are delicious and healthy. I also make a lot of fake sweets, in which all real ingredients are used - no fake sugar or fat-free anything, but just tasty things that happen to be less sugary and fattening.

Q - So you sing, write, and cook. Why would you need to have a show about trying to find love? You would think there would be men lining up at your door.

A - Very nice. When I made the show, I thought a lot of other women were going through what I was going through (in my thirties, balancing my career and personal life, and hadn't really dated much), and through some experimentation with a great team of producers/TV people we came up with a reality concept that I thought could share my experience. E! let us do a reality show that real people, not the typical crazy drama queen people, and we were able to tell the story. It's not that there aren't great men out there, but you have to find the person that you really connect to, and that was the process of the show. I do have a boyfriend now.



Q - “Camp Lisa,” I had read, combines a lot of camp type songs you grew up listening to. Is this album geared toward younger people or do you still wish to reach your existing fan base?

A - I think the album is for all ages.

Q - What message do you want listeners to get out of the new album?

A - I want people to remember camp or if they haven't gone, I hope they feel the breadth and depth of emotions that you feel going to camp. It's a really unique experience, and one that everyone should have.

Q - Since you broke out in 1994, how do you think you’ve grown and matured in regard to writing music?

A - It's a constant evolution. I'm more comfortable with the fact that songwriting is work sometimes. That's very zen, huh? Also, I feel more of a challenge to write songs that people can connect to when they hear them. Sometimes I need to write more directly, sometimes more abstractly. Mostly, I need to try not to over think it. That's a tough one.

Q - How has your writing changed?

A - I think it's evolving, and it hasn't changed super dramatically.

Q - Your glasses have since been a trademark for you. Will you ever get to the point where you lose the glasses for contact lens?

A - I'd love to wear contact lenses, but my eyes have always been too dry.

Q -Anything you wanted to add?

A - Check out my website, Lisaloeb.com to find out other things happening. It's a community. I hope to see you out there on the road. Please keep me posted about restaurants I should try, and feel free to share book and music recommendations too!



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Pauly Shore is no longer the wee-sel bud-dy!”

By Jason Tanamor

“It’s something that my buds used to call me when I was younger and it just stuck,” Pauly Shore said, about his famous “weasel” moniker. That was then.

Now, Shore looks at himself a little differently. “Back then I was younger, naive and really outrageous,” Shore said. “Now, I’m a 39-year-old Jew with a bad back and I’m still outrageous prior to midnight.”



He added, “But after that I like to watch Anderson 360 on CNN. It’s true!”

However, the Hollywood born and raised comedian, who grew up around super famous comedians due to the fact his family owns the legendary Comedy Store, is thankful for his “weasel” persona. After all, it helped MTV introduce him to the world, which later proved to be a hit at the box office. “I will always be grateful to MTV for catapulting my career,” Shore said. “I don’t necessarily believe my career would be ‘bigger’ now if I went another route.”

From MTV, Shore hit the big screen, landing roles in “Encino Man,” “The Son-In-Law,” “Bio Dome,” and “In the Army Now,” in which he cut off his trademark hairdo viewers became accustomed to on his MTV show, “Totally Pauly.”



But after dips in box office numbers, Shore found himself doing stand-up comedy, where his career began. “Show business is a tough business and it has its ups and downs,” Shore said. “It runs on passion and that’s why I am still doing it.”

And even though his career has seen some downs, with Shore even mocking his career in his self-produced and self-written movie, “Pauly Shore is Dead,” in which he plays himself, Shore insists that the only way to approach a project is putting in the effort. “The choices I made early on in my career were made from me wanting to work. I never went into a project wondering if it was going to be successful,” said Shore. “Like in sports, there are several people involved. So I just did the best job I could, given the situation that was given to me.”

Now, Shore, aside from doing random TV appearances and movies, is working the mike full time and running his family’s comedy club, which was highlighted on the TBS series, “Minding the Store.” The show focused on Shore’s attempt to resurrect the club to its high point back in the ‘70's. “It’s actually doing really well since the show aired in August,” Shore said. “The show was awesome exposure for me and the club. I will always be minding the store. It’s a family business.”

From hanging out in a comedy club to doing a show on MTV and from appearing in hit movies to hanging out in a comedy club again, it seems that Shore’s life has come full circle. But, according to Shore, he doesn’t see it that way. “First of all, my life hasn’t come full circle. There’s still a lot of things I’m trying to figure out. I don’t think we ever stop learning. I’m just learning now how to direct, produce and do behind the scenes stuff,” said Shore. “I haven’t even found the girl of my dreams yet.”



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

"Pass it on..."

By Linda Sharp

Since posting a piece about a bogus, lie-laden Barack Obama chain email I received, I have ruminated on the whole "pass it on" phenomenon seen in this election...



People truly don't understand how pathetically easy it is to start something like this. Pick a date, come up with a name, throw in some quotation marks, copy to everyone in your address book, and count on at least 75% of them to not only buy into it, but to forward it to everyone they know, and on, and on, and on...

Let's see...

This is actual transcript taken from an interview John McCain did on February 30, 2006 with Tom Brokaw on the highly rated political Sunday morning talk show, "Inside The Beltway." It was a personal moment when Mr. Brokaw was asking him to share a peek into his courtship with his current wife, Cindy.

"Well, Tom, I do have one particularly wonderful memory that will always stick with me. It was back in the early days - we had only been dating for about two, maybe three weeks. I picked her up for a date - and she looked gorgeous - you know she was a cheerleader, right, Tom? My first wife wasn't. Hell, my first wife had cankles the size of summer sausages. Well, those limber long legs of Cindy's still drive me wild. Anyway, she got into the car and we headed to our destination, Brooks Hollow in the woods of Virginia. Beautiful evening, full moon, balmy temperatures. When we got there we put on our robes, our hoods, and joined our friends around the fire which was already burning brightly. As we began to chant, my spiritual advisor, Rod Parsley began to speak in tongues and Cindy stood, grabbed my bowie knife and slaughtered the three black cats our group had adopted from the local shelter. You'd never know it to look at her, but she is amazing with a knife. I hadn't seen anyone that skilled since I was a POW and one of my captors, Long Duk Dong, filleted a jungle snake right in front of me... I fell in love with her in that moment. She never looked lovelier - her face flushed from the fire, blood trickling down her blond hair... I proposed that night."



McCain campaign spokesperson, Tucker Bounds confirmed the appearance and quote.

OK, let's dissect this, shall we? Note the date - February 30th. I have lived nearly 43 years. I have yet to see February have 30 days.

There is a Tom Brokaw, which immediately puts people at ease. Ahhh, I know that name! But there is no Sunday morning talk show called "Inside The Beltway."

Quotation marks! Look, an actual quote! It must be real! You can't just BUY quotation marks and use them willy nilly, you know!

Limber long legs? My God, he's a disgusting, adulterous poonhound.

Rod Parsley! His spiritual advisor! Another NAME! It must be TRUE.

POW! He mentions being a POW! THAT'S TRUE!

Long Duk Dong! I KNOW that name, can't exactly remember where from though, must have been a news program.

Slaughtering cats?!?! How DARE she? I have a cat! I love my cat! That bitch!

And Tucker Bounds?!?! I hate that douchebag!

OMG, I would never vote for someone who admits to being in a cult that slaughters cats by the moonlight! I MUST warn everyone I know before it's too late!

Am I making my point?

BYLINE:

Linda Sharp has contributed to numerous publications, both on the web and in print. She is also the author of “Stretchmarks On My Sanity.”

"Just give me a burger."

By Michael Angelo

I've done a lot of embarrassing things in my life. At the age of nine, I got my head stuck in a vase at the flea market. I even fell down a flight of stairs, in college, while turning around to check out a cute girl. Despite those humiliating moments, I never felt sillier than when I order fast food.



The names for some of the entrees are so childishly bizarre that it is almost mortifying to give an order. At Wendy's, it used to be biggie this and biggie that.

Me - I'll have the number six, please.

Employee - Biggie Fries?

Me - Excuse me?

Employee - Biggie.

Me - He was a great rap artist, but what does that have to do with my fries?

Don't even try referring to the food's technical name. Some counter attendants will refuse to take your order unless you honor the trademark name.



Me - Six inch vegetable sub please.

Employee - We don't sell that.

Me - (pointing at menu) Then what's the veg - (I stopped mid-word after realizing that the sandwich is called a Veggie Delite.) Umm - a whole grain bun topped with fresh vegetation will be all. Thanks.

Employee - Whole grain bun topped with fresh vegetation is NOT on the menu, sir. (He was thinking, "Just say it, ass face.")

Customers behind me - (muttering) Just say it, ass face!

I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT, OK?? No self respecting adult should have to request Horsey Sauce on his/her chicken sandwich. Thank the tards at Arby's for that one. Nor should they be expected to ask for an Awesome Blossom when craving a batter dipped onion. And saying, "I'll have the Lumberjack Slam" sounds ridiculous EVEN IF YOU ARE A LUMBERJACK.

Message to Sonic. It's called a HOT DOG (or a frankfurter if you are truly old school), not a Coney. Hey Burger King, it's not a Whopper, it is a burger with the works. Denny's Moon Crater Mashed Potatoes? You can’t be serious? By the way, how can I be sure the waitress won't slap me delirious when ordering her Moons Over My Hammy?

Why can't restaurants create a loyal customer base by way of exceptional service rather than inane marketing concepts? For example, when we order a hamburger via drive-thru, give us a hamburger instead of having us discover an empty bun once we arrive home. Also, hold the side of hairs that are way too short and curly to be part of the human head, if you catch my drift. And most importantly, allow us to call it a hamburger. That's how to get repeat customers. But having us say, "Big Mouth Burger for the lady" just encourages us to enroll in cooking classes.

Bottom line, if I am expected to speak like a toddler when ordering my meals, then I should be allowed to pay with Monopoly money.

BYLINE:

Michael Angelo is a Connecticut based accountant. He also hosts a humor blog that is universally read, assuming that your definition of universal is two Canadian housewives and a schizophrenic who claims to speak telepathically with the Sultan of Brunei. Visit Michael Angelo at www.myspace.com/humorwriter

"Don't mess with the Zohan - Seriously." - DVD Review.

By Bob Zerull

2 1/2 Stars:

I've always kind of liked Adam Sandler. "Happy Gilmore," "Billy Madison," "Big Daddy" and "Anger Management" are among my favorites while "Little Nicky" and "I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry" lack something to me. I think Adam Sandler is a very funny man when he plays it straight. When he starts yelling or just making noises instead of talking I tend to lose interest in the movie, i.e. "Little Nicky."



"Zohan" was written by Sandler, Robert Smigel (creator of Triumph the insult comic dog and the "TV Funhouse" sketches on SNL) and Judd Apatow ("The 40 Year Old Virgin" & "Knocked Up"), so naturally that got me somewhat excited for this movie. To me Judd Apatow has yet to really mess up and I've always found Robert Smigel's skits including "Da Bears" and Triumph great. How could this movie go wrong? I guess it's unfair to say this movie went wrong, because it's not bad, it's just too long. The running time is 117 minutes and it feels like it is well over two hours.

The movie starts out with Sandler, who plays The Zohan, an Israeli counter-terrorist who fakes his own death during a mission going after a Palestinian assassin named The Phantom, played by John Turturro. Zohan fakes his own death to move to America and start his life over as a hair dresser at the Paul Mitchell hair salon in New York City.



Zohan has no hair dressing experience so he is not able to land his dream job at the Paul Mitchell hair salon, but he does eventually hook up with a Palestinian owner of a much smaller salon. At first he's only allowed to clean up after the other hair dressers but as soon as he gets his chance he makes the most of it and then he bangs his old lady customers. Word of mouth begins to spread and Zohan's customer base begins to explode. There are some very funny moments with Zohan in the salon. To me the premise alone is worthy of a laugh.

Eventually The Phantom makes his way over to the United States and runs into Zohan. "Don't Mess With the Zohan" tries to simplify the Israeli-Palestinian issue the way "South Park" successfully simplifies issues, but Zohan has much less success.

*SPOILER*

Mariah Carey plays a pretty big role in resolving the issue. I'm not kidding.

*END SPOILER*

What's Good?

The movie is funny. Sandler does use an accent, but it is nowhere near as annoying as "The Water Boy" or "Little Nicky." The cameos are great, from Rob Schneider as a Palestinian cab driver to Kevin Nealon as a neighborhood watch agent and many more that I'll save for the surprise. Additionally Zohan's giant bulge is great, especially when he addresses the size and why it is so big.

What's Bad?

The movie is 117 minutes and feels longer, which is never a good sign for comedies. The way they play out the Israeli-Palestinian conflict is similar to how they played out the gay marriage issue in "I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry," which was weak. Also, I know that naked men usually means funny, but there was just too much of it here.

In the end "Don't Mess With the Zohan" is OK, not good, not bad, just eh. If you think this movie looks great, you'll most likely be disappointed and if you think it looks stupid then you might be surprised. Go ahead and give this movie a chance.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com.