“Josh Blue says everyone has a disability of some sort.”

By Jason Tanamor

“Last Comic Standing” launched a bunch of comedians’ careers. For one season’s winner Josh Blue, however, his career was already in mid-flight well before the popular NBC show. Zoiks! Online recently had the opportunity to chat with the comedian while he was touring in Florida.



Q – Hey Josh, how’s it going?

A – Hey, what’s up? How’s it going man?

Q – Good, good. How are you doing?

A- Well, I’m great. I’m here in Florida.

Q – Are you on vacation there in Florida?

A – No, I have a show tonight. That’s number five in the last couple days.

Q – So the nice weather doesn’t take into effect when you’re working all the time?

A – It’s a nice bonus, that’s for sure.

Q – Hey, I interviewed you before and I apologize if I ask you the same questions, but you’ve probably heard a lot of the questions since you get interviewed a lot.

A – I hear a lot of the same questions so no need for an apology.

Q – Good, if I ask you the same one, just act like you’re coming up with the answer spontaneously (laughs).

A – I’m a good actor.

Q – Was there a specific moment that made you say, “I'm going to do stand-up comedy?”

A – Everyone said I was funny and I sort of just had this gut feeling that this was what I really wanted to do.



Q – But it’s one thing to make people laugh in a group setting but to actually go up there and do it, wasn’t that kind of nerve wracking?

A – Oh yes, it’s terrifying (laughs). But that’s why it’s great because it’s also addictive, you know? That’s why people jump out of planes and bungee jump. It’s exhilarating.

Q – You have Cerebral Palsy. Is that something that when you first got up there on stage that you thought people were going to look at that, instead of listening to you?

A – Well, let’s just face it. There’s no denying that I have Cerebral Palsy and if I think that they’re not looking at that then I’m a fool. But I think it gives permission to look and get a good eyeful. I definitely have to address it.

Q – Now, I’m glad you said that because you almost have to acknowledge your disability immediately because people notice it. But other than that, how much of your disability do you use in your act in terms of material?

A – Well, like you said I pretty much have to bring it up right off the bat because then people are like, “hey, does he KNOW that he has that?” So you might want to bring that up.

Q – Has having a disability affected your stand-up career?

A – Yeah, in a really positive way. People see me on TV and it’s nice to be able to touch people with a disability. I have a really big disabled following and I think everyone knows someone with a disability. I think everyone is disabled whether you want to admit it or not.

Q – I’ve talked to a crap load of comedians and they’re always saying that there’s nothing like being up on stage and making people laugh. But I don’t believe people laugh all the time. Are there any performances that jump out at you when the audience just wasn’t laughing?

A – I just had one that just happened, I was at a 70-year-old’s birthday party. What was I supposed to fucking do?

Q – How do you overcome a bad performance?

A – The only way to overcome a bad one is to make the next one good. If you do a good show, you feel good for a night. If you do a bad show though, it haunts you until you rectify it.

Q – Refresh my memory. You won “Last Comic” right?

A – I did.



Q – How much notoriety did it really get you? It seems like back in the day, “The Tonight Show” was the show to be on to get visibility. With all the different venues to showcase comedy like Comedy Central, HBO, and YouTube, do you think LCS is any better or worse in terms of getting noticed?

A – “Last Comic Standing” was a hot thing to be on. Nowadays, “The Tonight Show” really doesn’t do too much for a comedian. I couldn’t have been on a better show for comedy to get to do what I wanted to do. I mean, primetime NBC. It’s pretty amazing.

Q – I’ve interviewed a lot of comedians who have been on LCS. Did they go through your material and tell you what you could say and what you couldn’t or did they let you be yourself?

A – Yeah, the problem with that was that they wanted you to write down everything that you were going to say, but I’ve never written anything down so I didn’t know what I was going to say either. In terms of guidelines, I’d be like, these are things I’m going to talk about for a little bit.

Q – When you do a TV appearance, do you have a certain set of jokes that you always do or do you do the material that you just happen to be doing on the road at that time?

A – Well, you have to take out all the swear words. But it’s constantly changing. I just say the freshest thing that’s in my head.

Q – What’re you working on right now? Are you doing anything other than touring?

A – I just had a special air on Comedy Central. And I’m working on a sitcom pilot. Hopefully that will pan out. It seems pretty promising.

Q – Is that going to revolve around your life or is that something else?

A – Yeah, about me.

Q – That’s awesome.

A – Yeah, it should be awesome.

Q – That’s all I had for you Josh. Anything you wanted to throw in?

A – Yeah, my MySpace. I have 50,000 friends out there, the next time I move it’ll be a piece of cake.

Q – (laughs) I never thought about that. That’s awesome. I appreciate the time Josh.

A – Thanks man.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Faking our way through life.”

By Melvin Durai

I don't mean to alarm you, but there's a lot of faking going on - and not just in the bedroom. Everyone's involved in some form of faking, and if you don't believe me, just visit your local high school. You'll see fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails and fake breasts - and that's just in the teachers' lounge.



The latest form of faking is called communifaking - pretending to have a conversation on your cell phone. It's a good way for women to protect themselves when they're alone. If you happen to be on the train with a couple of thugs, just take out your cell phone and say, "Hi honey, I'm running a little late. I spent a few extra minutes practicing kicks at karate class."

Many people communifake to avoid talking to someone, perhaps an ex-girlfriend who just happens to be walking toward them. "Hi honey, just wanted to tell you that Barack and Michelle are coming over for dinner. Yes, we'll have cocktails on the yacht. Tell Nigel to get the Bentley ready."

Some men even communifake to impress women. One day they're dorks with no life, the next day women are drooling over them.

Anita: "Do you see that guy? He's really popular."

Maria: "He looks a little like your ex-husband."

Anita: "Yeah, but this guy never gets off the phone. My ex-husband never gets off the couch."

Maria: "He must be rich and successful. Look at the phone he's using - a Sprint Blackberry Curve Palm Centro Smartphone!"

Anita: "I'd love to have his number!"

Maria: "I'd love to have his children!"



Impressing others is, of course, one of the main reasons for faking, whether you're wearing fake jewelry, displaying a fake diploma, or chatting on a fake Smartphone. Fake hair can transform a man's life instantly. That's why I'm thinking of getting a toupee. Women will stop thinking of me as "the guy with the bald spot," but instead think of me as "the guy with the bad toupee."

Fake hair may not be a huge improvement, but fake teeth usually are, as long as your dentist didn't graduate from a fake university. You know, the ones that hand out fake
degrees, but get really mad when you pay them with fake money.

Take it from me, the best fake teeth are the ones that are specially fitted for your mouth, not the ones that come in a box that says, "One size fits all." If your dentist has to hammer them in, it's time to get yourself a new dentist - and preferably not one who's approved by the FDA (Fake Dentists Association).

Fake teeth can help you get a date, but so can fake accents, especially if they're French or Irish or even Jamaican. An Indian accent may not get you a date, but it might get you a job at Microsoft. Just don't show them a fake degree or you might soon be standing before a judge, trying to produce fake tears.

Trust me, it isn't easy to produce fake tears, even when your wife decides that the cooking show is more exciting than the football game. Fake laughter is much easier - and more essential to everyday life. It comes in handy at most workplaces, whenever the boss tells a joke.

Fake laughter, of course, is much better than the faking that goes on in the bedroom. This is particularly troublesome to men. We don't mind a certain amount of faking, but do you know what we absolutely hate?

Fake headaches.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

“Ramblings of a road comic.”

By BT

Close call today! A near tragedy you might call it. Here's the dish…



I'm lactose intolerant. Bad. It's weird though. I can drink a full glass of chocolate milk, no problem. I can drink the milk from my bowl of Fruity Pebbles, no problem, but if I drink just a straight glass of "white milk," we got some problems! I say WE because if you're around me, and I'm drinking white milk, then trust me, WE got problems.

What possessed me to drink the white liquid of death? Plain and simple. There was no other liquids to drink in the house and I had just gotten through eating some Ramen Noodles with pasta sauce and turkey sausage. Delicious by the way. Anyway, I opened the fridge, saw that my options were limited to nothing and milk, so without thinking I chugged that bad boy like it was going out of style.

Well, apparently I had a little left over this morning and I had to take my vitamins and I drank some more. I honestly thought, "maybe my body has adapted to the evil ways of "Moo Nectar." Well, it didn't, and not even close.WOW!!! I took extra strength TUMS and everything!



Luckily, I live alone and it's summer, so all the windows were open, along with the patio door. Luckily!! If this had been winter, and I would have started to warm the stove up? KABOOM!! Just like BATMAN, but this time in real life.

The worst was riding my motorcycle. There is nothing worse than being at the stoplight and your stomach is "gurgling" a then you're thinking, "Uh-oh! What if this is the big one?" I'd be like Fred Sanford from Sanford and Son, clutching my butt-cheeks saying "Somebody, I'm coming to join you honey! And I got a case of the bubble guts!" and as we all know, "bubble guts = mud butt."

Luckily, I made it everywhere safe, but there were some tense moments. The poor people behind me at the stoplights. They had to be thinking, "That guy must be burning oil or he's got bad pipes." And I would be like, "Brotha, you don't know the half, trust me you don't.”

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

"Christopher Titus' childhood was f -, no challenging."

By Jason Tanamor

If you know anything about Christopher Titus, either from his sitcom "Titus" or stand-up shows, you'll know that he has had an interesting, to say the least, upbringing. This rang true when the comedian called me to do an interview. You see, he had to reschedule the first call because he was in court for a family issue. When Titus did finally call, all was good and then some.



Click on the link to hear the interview:

http://www.mediafire.com/?wiigjhmwzmh





BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“John Roy loves TV but prefers you see him live.”

By Jason Tanamor

John Roy used his stand-up comedy experience to get his life together. No, he didn’t quit and get a real job. Rather he just paid attention during a particular night he was working a gig. “The most depressing moment I had was sitting in the off track betting parlor/motel where my bar gig was that week, in some horrific part of Ohio, watching my alcoholic headliner get drunk in an empty bar betting on horse races he knew nothing about just to pass the time,” said Roy. “I thought, ‘Man, I gotta get serious about getting better or I’ll end up like that guy!’”



So that’s what he did. He got serious. The Chicago native whose self-describing act is “a young Chicago white guy who grew up in a multi ethnic neighborhood’s look at life,” first started doing comedy because the band he was jamming with wasn’t really that good. “My friend who was already a stand-up said my band sucked and I should give it (comedy) a try. He gave me a week to write five minutes and go to an open mike with him,” Roy said.

And thank goodness for that. That’s because, since Roy dedicated himself to comedy, he has appeared on several television shows including ‘Star Search,’ in 2003, in which he was the show’s first champion, earning $100,000 dollars and a development deal with CBS. He’s also been a square on ‘Hollywood Squares’ and Comedy Central’s ‘Premium Blend.’



Part of Roy’s success can be credited to his writing. “If I see, say, or hear something funny, I’ll write it down, and then later, I’ll think, How would I get this out to someone who didn’t know the conversation or moment it came from? How would I get to this same laugh going from zero to sixty?” said Roy. “Then I’ll write it down and get the wording right. Usually, more lines will come after doing it on stage for a while.”

About his live shows, Roy said, “I love performing on television, but live performance is the way to experience stand-up comedy, and I urge everyone to come out and see a show, as you can’t get that extra energy from any media.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“’Relentless’ by Dean Koontz.” – Book Review.

By Bry Schulz

4 Stars:

What it's about: A successful author, Cullen "Cubby" Greenwich, receives a poor review of his newest book. The critic writing the review, Shearman Waxx, is seriously creepy. Things get really weird when the critic shows up in Cubby's house in the middle of the night and uses a taser on the author and his wife while they sleep.



Apparently, Waxx doesn't just hate his book, he hates Greenwich too. As soon as they find the strength to get up from the taser assault they discover two bombs have been hidden in their house. Cubby, his wife, 6-year-old son Milo and dog Lassie escape the explosion and from that point on are on the run. Shearman Waxx is definitely more than just a book critic.

“Relentless” is certainly the way to describe the sociopathic murderer. He stalks the Greenwich family with sometimes bazaar abilities. After some digging, Cubby and his wife discover they are not the first author and company to be terrorized by Waxx. In fact, there's a trail of death left by the critic. It's a cat and mouse chase to the very end. All the while you're also wondering what's going on with Milo, who's beyond intelligent for his young age and their dog Lassie. Both these characters turn out to be pivotal at the end of the book.



What I liked about the book: the suspense weaved in with humor. Take this line by Cubby for example: "I began to wish I'd spent the past 10 years writing thrillers, because then perhaps I would know something useful about tracking devices, electronic surveillance, phone tapping and techniques of evasion when pursued by psychopathic book critics." It's not just a thriller you're reading it's a bit of a comedy and until the end you're wondering if it might end up a tragedy too. It doesn't end tragically but it wasn't the ending I expected. It was almost like Koontz had dug Cubby and his family into such a deep hole that he couldn't figure out how to write them out of it. And I suppose that's what I didn't like about it.

Other thoughts: At first I thought to myself, what a stupid idea? A book critic who kills what he thinks are bad authors? Then I thought about that and realized if someone who just reviews books can find a way to become a really freaky psychopathic murderer, so could anyone. And that's the part that freaks me out. Shearman Waxx seems like nothing special except that he can hunt you down and ruin your life using unimaginable methods. What's to say the local shoe salesman couldn't hone the same skills? This makes me think twice about who I piss off! Because at first glance there's nothing impressive about Waxx, he's just a grumpy guy with bad syntax. To quote the wise Transformers: There's more than meets the eye.

Final words on the book: I loved 90% of it. I read it fast (and I'm a slow poke). As with most books you'll more than likely want to talk about the ending with someone else who's read it. It's an intriguing idea but not the most obvious. (I'm trying to keep it a surprise for you). Read it and decide for yourself. But it's not the ending I wish he would have chosen. They don't ride off happily into the sunset and I like my heroes to do that in the end.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable.

“Green Day rocks the United Center.” – Concert Review.

By Julia Barr

The United Center’s lights go down, the crowd grows silent, waiting for those dramatic opening chords; the curtain opens….and a guy in a fuzzy pink bunny suit staggers onto the stage drinking a PBR.



Everyone cracked up, looking at each other with identical expressions of “what the fuck?” written on their faces. The mysterious drunken bunny man (who turned out be bass player Mike Dirnt) flopped around the stage to “Rock n’ Roll Radio,” by the Ramones, chugged the rest of his beer, and then suddenly took off and ran behind the curtain. Now we knew it was going to be a good show.

Billie Joe Armstrong, lead singer and guitarist, started out the set singing “Song of the Century,” the first track on the new album “21st Century Breakdown” a cappella into a crackly microphone, the rest of the band joining in on the title track. “21st Century Breakdown” seems like something from a musical, or a rock opera. It centers on a theme of living in America in disillusioned times; as do lots of songs on the new album.

The last time I saw Green Day was four years ago, after the release of “American Idiot,” an extremely political album, full of rage at the Bush administration, and anti-war songs, such as “Holiday.” The last time they played it, it was announced with the battle cry of “This song is not anti-American, it’s anti-WAR!” This time around, all he said was “This is our lives on holiday,” and it seemed like a victory song.

Now that Obama’s in the White house, Green Day’s rebellion is not so much targeted at the government, but more at the general mindset that Americans have grown accustomed to. “Static Age,” on the new album, is all about that materialism and chaos, and before they started playing it, Billie Joe paced back and forth screaming at the crowd to ignore all the “bullshit we see every day on the television and the Internet and all the useless information coming at us constantly.” What I love about Green Day though is that no matter what messages they are trying to send, it never gets too serious. Billie Joe never seems like a glorified rock god; he’s more like that spastic kid at your lunch table in high school who just clowns around and never shuts up.

He dedicated “Before the Lobotomy,” a song about “whiskey shots and cheap cigarettes,” to a guy in the audience that had shown them around Chicago the night before, saying “We got really fucking wasted with him last night. He’s probably here somewhere right now. Let’s get a round of applause.”

After playing their classic song, “Brain Stew,” he trailed off into a series of funny noises, making the crowd repeat after him, and finally he said “This is what we’re gonna do… I want everyone in the audience to make fucking sounds!” and the arena burst into a cacophony of ridiculous sounding sexual noises, and then Billie Jo busted up laughing and pointed at this guy in the front, and said “You! In the tenth row… I can’t believe your wife, girlfriend, whatever, likes it when you get on top of her and go ARGGHHHH (blood curdling scream). But hey, that’s how you roll!” And then, like that, he’s off on another tangent.



He led into a song off the new album called “East Jesus Nowhere” by talking like a Holy Roller preacher - “Can I get an Amen?” - and halfway through the song, stopped and said “I need a child! Where can I find a child?” and pulled a curly haired kid up onto the stage. He whispered something in the kid’s ear, marched him out to the end of the platform during the quiet part of the song, and then, as fireworks behind the stage went off, in time with the last loud chords, the kid fell down. When he popped back up to applause, he was grinning ear to ear.

There was audience participation like this throughout the entire show. During “Longview,” an old favorite about sitting on the couch being bored out of your mind, he picked fans out of the audience to get up and sing. This great big guy sang the first verse and was hilarious, jumping around and repeatedly hugging Billie Joe. Then a girl in tube socks sang the last one, and at the end, Billie Joe said “You’re so awesome. Now get your ass of my fucking stage!” and she ran off the end and did a stage dive.

“Longview” wasn’t the only old hit they played, they also did “Basketcase” (my all time favorite Green Day song), “Hitchin’ a Ride” (during which they squirted everyone with squirt guns and blew toilet paper on the crowd with leaf blowers), and the hilarious “King for a Day” (about the joys of cross-dressing) with Billie Jo in a cop hat, drummer Tre Cool in an Easter bonnet, and Mike Dirnt sporting the tell-tale bunny ears.

All three of them had an insane amount of energy throughout the whole show. They played a covers medley with “Shout,” “Stand by Me,” and a surprising few seconds of “I’ll Be There,” in a tribute to Michael Jackson. Their radio hit, “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” was another surprisingly touching moment. When it first came out, I thought it was whiny and never liked it, but I have to admit, when he held the microphone out and let the crowd sing an entire verse, it sent shivers up my spine, and made me feel good in a way that only singing a song about loneliness with a stadium of people who know every word could. “21 Guns” is this album’s equivalent to “Boulevard of Broken Dreams,” an epic ballad, which was even better live than on the CD because they added piano in the middle.

For the encore, they played a super-speed version of “American Idiot,” followed by “Jesus of Suburbia,” an epic song with multiple parts. For this one, Billie Joe said “Who here knows how to play this song?” and scanned the audience. Finally he said “Ok, it’s cute little kid time!” and this kid who couldn’t have been more than ten climbed onstage, Billie handed him a guitar, and he played the entire song, and even sang a verse in his squeaky voice. That was the best thing about this show. It was all about giving people moments they’ll always remember, and as cliché as it sounds, letting regular kids feel like stars.

During the anthem “Minority,” he thanked the crowd for being there and said “We’re doing this now! We’re in the present, and it’s great,” and at that point I realized that behind all the constant chanting of “hey, hey, hey, hey,” and doing the wave, and all of the other audience participation, there was a mission to make people wake up. To make them experience this show as an active part of it, not just like they would if they were sitting around watching television.

This show was a perfect mix of new and old, of silly and epic, and it was all about the crowd. By the time they ended the show with “Good Riddance,” you could tell they really did “hope we had the time of our lives.”



BYLINE:

Julia Barr is a creative writing major at University of Iowa who is obsessed with music of almost all genres. Check out her Facebook or shoot her an e-mail.

“Carl LaBove equals Christian comedy.”

By Jason Tanamor

Carl LaBove describes his act in two words: “Christian comedy.”

He’s joking, of course.

After all, LaBove is an alum of The Outlaws of Comedy, the comics’ group that included Sam Kinison that wreaked havoc throughout clubs during the ‘80's. And while his work still has that edge to it, there’s a method behind the madness.



“I love what I do. I eat it, I breathe it, I enjoy the moment,” LaBove said. “I plan all day being in tune, checking things out, writing things down in a notepad, watching people interact with each other. Then when I’m on stage, I want people to forget about the bill collectors, the screaming kids, their jobs - all that stuff is not allowed.”

The comedian started his career in Texas at the age of 19. He was helping his father start a gas-station business almost two hours away from Houston, when he finally bought a station wagon, put curtains up on his windows and lived in his car while doing stand-up comedy. “I was enthralled by stand-up,” he says. “It took two weeks to get rid of the high of being around a microphone and crowd.”



On the way up, he and another comic, Sam Kinison, started the Outlaws of Comedy. “It was a group Sam and I (as well as other comedians) started because we thought we would never be on regular network TV,” LaBove said. “The subject matters were not safe. It was a payback to those who helped us on the way because we starved for seven years. We put those guys on tour, the ones that helped us out. We opened doors for them. The Outlaws were outrageous guys that wouldn’t play by the rules.”

LaBove has performed with greats Robin Williams and Damon Wayans, be he credits Red Skelton for “quote unquote” helping him out the most. “I look back a lot, when I was younger, (Red) Skelton came on every Sunday night. I watched with my mom, dad, brother, grandparents, and was amazed that he made all of us laugh. The fact we were all generations apart,” said LaBove.

These Sunday-night shows were a foundation or building block for what LaBove does today.

LaBove has performed on “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” had guest spots on “Seinfeld,” and “Roseanne,” and had roles in “Parenthood,” and “Ace Ventura: Pet Detective.” He was also in the Pauly Shore movie “Pauly is Dead,” where he played Pauly Shore’s insincere agent.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Papa CJ is just his witness protection name. Oops!”

By Jason Tanamor

Papa CJ is an established international comedian. As his website states, “rumored to be a direct descendant of the Maharaja of Merebaapkaraj (pronounced Mere-baap-ka-raj) in India, in 2008 he was chosen as one of the top ten acts in the world on NBC’s hit TV show “Last Comic Standing.”

The direct descendant took time out of his busy schedule to chat with Zoiks! Online.



Q – Where did the stage name Papa CJ come from?

A - As a teenager I witnessed a brutal assassination by an international mafia cartel and have since been under a witness protection program by the International Court of Justice. That's why the stage name. Although the latent fringe benefits are a brand that is catchy and memorable and anonymity from the psychos who want to find you after a show and stab you.

Q – You have an MBA from the University of Oxford. How and why did you get involved with stand-up comedy?

A - I saw stand-up for the first time in 2004. That’s when I figured that if you could make a living fooling around on stage, I didn’t want to be in an office anymore. I’ve always believed that if you love what you do, you’ll get good at it and if you get good at it the money will follow. The challenge is whether you have the tenacity, perseverance and self-belief to get from loving what you do to the money actually showing up because it can take a long time and it isn’t always easy. In fact if any of you out there are considering it I'd suggest you try prostitution first. You get paid better for a shorter performance and you don’t get screwed or abused as much. But while starting out in stand-up can be tough it does lead to a fun life – waking up late, never having to commute at rush hour, traveling to interesting places all over the world, working less than two hours a day, exercising free speech in its truest form and of course, spreading laughter and cheer.

Q – Being a stand-up comedian from India, would you say that your material is suited for all countries?

A - In that question, replace the word India with any other country and the question still holds. The answer is yes for whichever comedian you ask it to. It all depends on how much effort the comedian has made to customize his material for the country he is performing in and whether he has thrown in the relevant local references. What matters is whether the audience can relate to where the comedian is coming from. The thing with the US is that Americans are not very good at laughing at themselves and expect the whole world to revolve around them. To be catered to them. Case in point, the 'World Series Baseball' How much of the 'world' really takes part? Now I wrote that line intentionally. Because I know that me writing just that line above has pissed some of you off. And you're thinking, 'I don't like that Papa CJ. He sounds anti-American.' And that just proves my point. Take a chill pill dude. I'm not a politician offering a deep critique of your basic beliefs and way of life, I'm a bloody comedian. Relax! It's a fucking joke!!



Q – Do you think "Last Comic Standing" (LCS) was biased toward certain performers versus others?

A - A local (US) performer always has an advantage. Firstly because a large part of humor is culturally specific. Secondly because audiences in different countries have different sensibilities which you can only understand after having performed there at least once. And thirdly try putting any comedian in the world in competitive show against me in India, where only an Indian audience votes. Who do you think the audience is going to vote for?

Q – How much did LCS help your career in terms of exposure and experience?

A - I remember at the audition in Miami, one of the comedians said, 'Did you know that 10 million people watch this program?’ To which I said, 'I come from India brother. If I open my bathroom window to crack a joke, 10 million people show up live.' Unlike the other comedians, I came along just for the experience. I had never performed in America and I thought it would be fun. You might not believe me, but I have never even seen the show, not even the one I am on. For me the journey was over in Vegas after the semi-finals because after that it becomes a reality TV show.

Q – When you told Iliza Shlesinger, "Welcome to the big leagues, sweetheart," on LCS, do you think that was the beginning of the end for you on the show?

A - Well firstly, I didn't really give a crap about how far I got. Secondly, I'm not the kind of guy who becomes a monkey just because the camera comes on. I'm a regular guy who does stand-up. However the soulless putrid filth that is reality TV survives on sensationalism and I was just giving the audience a bit of that to feed on. The live audience who voted me out hadn't seen that and in fact I had been voted off the show over a month before those episodes aired, I think. So no, that's not why I got voted off.

As regard to voting for Iliza, if she performed her winning set in front of 20 Indians they wouldn't laugh because they wouldn't know what she was talking about. So I voted for her because I personally didn't find her funny and couldn't relate to her material. I was being true to my thinking. Of course at that time I hadn't considered the fact that the local audience would relate to her material and that she was from LA and the elimination performance was in LA. And for those of you who might think I voted for her because she is a girl, screw you. Because in YOUR minds you are putting women on an unequal playing field. You're saying that women should not be 'picked on' because they are weaker. I gave her the respect of considering her equal to every other comedian. And I'm glad she got to where she did because she is a lovely person and deserves the success.

Q – How difficult is it doing stand-up around the world where you deal with different cultures and languages?

A - Stand-up is a beautiful art form because you are learning and growing with each performance. I've been performing for less than five years. Even in my own eyes I'm just touching the tip of the iceberg. It's a joy and a privilege to perform in different countries and cultures. I've performed in Europe, Africa, America and Asia and the journey has been fun. With each performance in a different culture I've learned something new. The third show in a new country is twice as good as the first show because you pick up on so many nuances of the local culture and sensibilities.



Q – Is it difficult to write universal material or do you often find yourself dancing around Indian stereotypes?

A - Writing universal material is not an issue. But the question you ask is one that every so called 'ethnic' comedian faces. You see the thing is this. I can count on my fingers how many Indian stand-up comedians there are that perform in English. And that is including the British-Indian and American-Indian comedians. If you look at Indians from India then I can count them on one hand. Now if I don't talk about what it is like being Indian, then who will? Who is gonna offer our point of view? How many white comedians do you know who can talk about relationships with their girlfriends? You want to hear the same stuff from me? Asking me why I talk about what it’s like being a brown guy is like asking Richard Pryor or Chris Rock why they talk about being black.

Q - A lot of comedians are offered sitcoms based on their lives. If one was offered to you, what type of television show would you have?

A - Interesting you ask that question. So far I've been doing stand-up because I love doing it live. There seems to be a trend in the US about live stand-up being a means to an end as opposed to an end in itself. It's all about doing my seven minutes and getting my sitcom. As regard to the kind of television show you'd have a sitcom around my life. That's something you'd have to ask the TV chaps. Because what is OK for TV has nothing to do with reality or what I might want to be shown. It's what the studios think the audiences want. I'm not sure I'd have the patience or moral and ethical flexibility to tolerate that. I'm not Chris Rock or Seinfeld where I have the muscle to dictate terms. Besides if they beeped out a joke with clean language on a three minute set on LCS, do you really think they would approach me with a sitcom? Ha! Leave me with the joys of performing live and don't tempt me into the world of TV. I don't need that much money and I don't want that life.

Q – Anything you wanted to add?

A - Get out there and support LIVE stand-up comedy. It is an art form best enjoyed live, not in front of a screen. It's like sex. There is no substitute for actually being there. The magic lies in the spontaneity of it. Of reacting to what happens in the room as opposed to 'performing' a chunk of material that some producer has signed off as being fit for television audiences. Watching stand-up on TV is like surfing comedy porn (only worse because the stand-up is censored and the porn isn't). So if you're surfing comedy porn, that makes you a wanker. You don't want that!

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“’My Sister’s Keeper’ is not as funny as I thought it’d be.” – Movie Review.

By Bob Zerull

4 1/2 Stars:

Sometimes when you’re married the only way to see a “guy’s” movie with your wife is to sit through a “chick flick.” I had no idea what “My Sister’s Keeper” was. It stars Cameron Diaz (“There’s Something About Mary”), Abigail Breslin (“Little Miss Sunshine”), Jason Patrick (“Speed 2: Cruise Control”) and Alec Baldwin (“30 Rock”). As you can see this cast has a history of hilarity. I challenge you to find a funnier movie than “Speed 2: Cruise Control.” Needless to say I was in for a surprise when I didn’t laugh once.



“My Sister’s Keeper” is no “chick flick.” I’m not just saying that because I liked it either. “My Sister’s Keeper” is about a little girl named Kate Fitzgerald played by Sofia Vassilieva (“Medium”). At a very young age she is diagnosed with cancer. Neither of her parents (Cameron Diaz & Jason Patrick) nor her brother are matches to be donors. Kate’s parents decide to have a test tube baby specifically for spare parts for Kate. Out comes Anna Fitzgerald (Abigail Breslin).

The story kicks off when Anna is eleven. It’s getting near the end of the road for Kate. Kate needs a kidney from Anna, but Anna is having second thoughts. Even with Anna’s kidney, Kate may still die. Anna may die and she won’t be able to play soccer or be a cheerleader. What if Anna needs that kidney later in life? Anna hires a lawyer played by Alec Baldwin to sue her parents for medical emancipation.

What is good? The performances are top notch. Sofia Vassilieva is deserving of an Oscar nod. She was fearless in the role. Cameron Diaz was great. It is good to see her in something other than a comedy. She can be funny, but she proves here she’s a great actress. Jason Patrick holds the movie together. Being a dad myself I found myself relating to his character and liking every move he made. Alec Baldwin shows up for his typical scene stealing cameo that he’s becoming famous for.



I don’t know if it’s because I have a daughter or if it’s because I lost a college friend to cancer, but this movie really got to me. I can’t imagine my daughter going through something like that. The thought of it eats me up. Additionally, Kate reminded me of my friend. His name was Ben Peters. Before getting cancer he just seemed like the ideal guy. Good looking, incredibly smart, and likeable and I’m not just saying that because he’s dead. Even when he was diagnosed with cancer, his amazing attitude never changed. As cheesy as this sounds, I could see him in the character of Kate. Maybe that’s why I like this movie.

What is bad? I have read online that many people who have read the book can’t stand the direction the movie went. I haven’t read the book, but I have looked up how it ends. In my opinion, this movie ends much more realistically. I don’t think the book would have translated to the screen based on what I’ve heard. The movie isn’t just about the rights of the little girl, but it’s about how the family spends their final moments together. The impression I’m getting from what I’ve read about the book is that the book is about the little girl’s rights. It makes for an interesting argument, but in the end 90% of the kids in the world are going to want to help out a sibling. If I’m wrong I apologize, like I said I haven’t read the book, so I’m relying on hearsay.

For all you guys out there who want to go see “Bruno” or “Transformers” but can’t because you’ve already seen “Star Trek” and “Wolverine,” and the wife or girlfriend wants to go to one of her movies, give this movie a shot. I found myself gritting my teeth trying to avoid tears through almost the entire movie. I realize that the only movie guys are allowed to cry at is “Brian’s Song,” but this is a tough one not to get a little emotional at. Go ahead, take my man card, “My Sister’s Keeper” is a great movie and I recommend that everyone check it out.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.

“Lessons in Parenting: Couch Potato 101.”

By Bry Schulz

As a mother I have many opinions. It’s just how mothers roll I guess. And since I'm relatively new at this gig (my son’s only 1), I'm still a newbie. However I feel it necessary to share any knowledge I do have on to other mothers, and parents in general.



We fumble a lot, us parents. So I figured I'd throw our little new parental "demo" a bone. I've done some "research" into current children's programming. There are two channels, at least in my cable line up, that excel at TV shows for the kiddos. Those channels are Sprout and Noggin. Here's a list of my top three favorite kids’ shows from those two channels.

Number One: “Yo Gabba Gabba!” on Noggin. I admit my prior knowledge of this show was based on what I'd seen on E!'s “The Soup's” segment called "What the Kids are Watching." And for those of you who know what that is there's more to it than just watching Nathaniel who "likes to dance." The show centers on a bizarrely clothed DJ whose boom box holds five cool characters who come to life and sing and dance for you every day. One of them even looks like a bumpy fallace. I can laugh at that.

One of the main reasons I enjoy this show though is the music. They sing an interesting library of music that's not only fun but seriously poignant. Like singing about waiting in line, "It's only fair to wait right there!" or the song about not biting each other, "We don't want to bite, cause that's not right." Another reason this show is fab is the guest stints. Jack Black, The Ting Tings, Laila Ali, Biz Markie, just to name a few. Plus there's a regular knock-knock joke told by Paul Sheer (frequent on 30 Rock) and Jack McBrayer (regular on 30 Rock). To be honest this show is so much fun I might be a fan even if I wasn't a parent. (maybe not).

Check out a sample here:

http://2nuff.multiply.com/video/item/8/Dont_Bite_Your_Friends_-_Yo_Gabba_Gabba



Number Two: On the Sprout channel you can find “Thomas and Friends.” It's an old school looking show done without any animation and using all live action trains. A break from the ordinary cartoon you usually get forced into watching. The episodes are quick, usually only seven minutes or so. There's always a lesson to be learned like why you shouldn't call other trains names, or lie, or be too full of yourself. (trains are so hot right now). I have a son so this may not be interesting if you have a daughter, but my son's already into it.

The best part about this show? It's voiced by George Carlin. He does great voices too! Each character he gives a different voice or even accent (one of them is Scottish, no lie). I have also seen one episode voiced by Alec Baldwin and he did a good job too. According to www.imdb.com Carlin was the voice from 1991-1995 and Baldwin voiced from 1998-2003. So while these are apparently old episodes you can still get into them. Toot toot.

Number Three: “The Backyardigans.” This show will reach inside you and pull out your inner child. There's singing, dancing and playing pretend. The five main characters (not all appear in every episode) meet up in their connecting backyards to play. Quickly after the beginning of the show the backdrop melts away into whatever they've decided to imagine for the day. They've been pirates, cowboys, explorers and spies all the while singing songs that will get stuck in your head. Not stuck in your head in the way a Britney Spears song will (and make you want to jam a pen in your ear and lose all bladder control). They're silly and clever and it's fun for the kids. Oh, kids - that's what this is really about anyway right? “The Backyardigans” is on Noggin and I highly recommend it.

Tolerable Mention: There are a few shows that should get a nod from me too. “Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends” is on Noggin. The coolest thing about this computer animated show is that Miss Spider is voiced by Kristin Davis (Charlotte of S&TC). Another show worth mentioning is the always educational “Sesame Street.” The other day they had an episode where monsters just walked around beating themselves in the face to a beat - their noses make noise. Pure genius. I laughed for a while about that one. And lastly “The Hoobs” on Sprout. It's British. It's about alien puppets who call the "humans" (us non-puppets) Tiddly-Peeps. That's fun.

All mom and dad tiddly-peeps rejoice and feel guilt free when watching the tube. To hell with those people who say television rots the brain. You know the TV can't teach your children not to stick their fingers in a light socket or feed them nutritious meals. So enjoy the moments you get in your day to sit with your kids and "veg out." Because relaxing can be a good lesson, right? Watch me son, this is how you sit on your ass.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable.

“Jim Breuer bakes up some comedy.”

By Jason Tanamor

While I was preparing for my interview with Jim Breuer, flashbacks of his role on “Half Baked” came into my head. A pothead partier who shied away from responsibility was minutes away from calling me. As I sat waiting for the comedian to call, I realized something. It was past 7:00 o’clock, the time he was supposed to call. And not just a little bit, I’m talking about an hour late.

I thought to myself, “what a stoner.”

When Jim Breuer finally did call, he was quick to apologize. And that’s when I realized the comedian really wasn’t a stoner.



Q – Hey Jim. How are you doin?

A – Was I supposed to call you like an hour ago?

Q – Yeah, yeah, but that’s OK.

A – That was my goof up, cuz I was thinking Chicago, and I was thinking 8:00 o’clock your time which would have been 9:00 o’clock my time.

Q – Are you in Chicago?

A – No, no, no, I’m in Jersey. I apologize for that.

Q – That’s all right. Sometimes I get confused too.

A – (laughs) It’s all good.

Q – So, ready to go then?

A – Yeah, yeah, yeah, I don’t want to waste your time.

Q – Oh, that’s all right, I was watching “Ghost Hunters International.” Do you ever watch that show?

A – I do, I watch the first couple.

Q – Do you believe in that stuff? I wish they would find more. It’s been like 10 years.

A – There’s a shadow over there. There definitely was a shadow on the video tape. Oh, the chair moved. I want to see a guy get lifted up and thrown across the room. Then I’ll buy it.

Q – I agree, and I think they wouldn’t have to work at Roto Rooter if they get stuff like that.

A – (laughs)

Q – Most people know you from “Half Baked” and SNL. But your background is in stand-up comedy. Tell me, when and where did you start your career in stand-up comedy?

A – I started playing rock clubs in high school because I couldn’t get to the comedy clubs yet. Once I was able to drive, my mother let me get out to the comedy clubs, in Long Island, and then went full blown into stand-up comedy in 1989. And then I never looked back.

Q - Did you always want to do stand-up?

A – Always, stand-up comedy and comedy acting.

Q – I mean, did you see someone perform? What inspired you to do stand-up?

A – I heard Steve Martin’s first album. I was like 10 years old listening to that. And then I saw Richard Pryor on HBO when my parents were sleeping, and then I saw George Carlin. As a kid, I loved the whole comedy world.



Q – How long did it take you to do comedy as a full time job?

A – About a year. A little over a year. Yeah, I came up the ranks pretty quick.

Q – You’ve done a lot of different things in your career. Is there a certain approach you take for stand-up versus television or even film?

A – Yeah, each venue is completely different, each show is completely different. I usually go on the passion of how I feel, and then I measure out the crowd. Sometimes they’re really young, sometimes they’re mix, a little more conservative, but I usually do what I want to do that night. Depending on the crowd, I’ll shuffle my material.

Q – That’s interesting you say that your crowd can be young or old, because a lot of my friends think you’re a huge stoner, partly because of “Half Baked.” But that’s not true at all, is it?

A – No, not at all. My audience is a great stand-up comedy crowd. I get a young “Half Baked” crowd. I get a great SNL crowd. I get a huge stand-up crowd, so it’s pretty diverse. And even the “Half Baked” crowd is starting to get married.

Q – I actually saw Tommy Chong about a year ago and it seemed like everyone in the crowd looked like Tommy Chong.

A – (laughs)

Q – Will there ever be a “Half Baked 2?”

A – That’s something you’re going to have to ask Dave Chappelle. That was his baby. I told him there shouldn’t be until we’re like 50.

Q- You should call it “Full Baked.”

A – Yeah, if we did it would be called “Fully Baked.” But we’d do it like when we’re all 50 or so.

Q – Still smoking with Steven Wright on the couch.

A - (classic Jim Breuer laugh) Yeah.

Q – You came from SNL when it was actually funny. What do you think of the show now?

A – To be quite honest with you, I haven’t watched it since I left.

Q – Really? I don’t think I have either.

A – I rarely watched it before I got on it. I started watching reruns when Sandler was on, Chris Farley, but that was never a show I was really fascinated with.

Q – How did you get on it?

A – It was really a fluke that I got on. It wasn’t a dream of mine, I had no intention of being a part of it.

Q – Your resume also includes the “Heavy Metal Comedy Tour.”

A – Yeah, I did that a long time ago.

Q – How come it seems like all comedians want to be rock stars?

A – Because we can never reach that status. I would still leave it all to go that route. And I just might.



Q – What would you play?

A – I’d be the front man.

Q – Your new comedy special, “Let’s Clear the Air,” will premiere July 25th on Comedy Central. The special actually touches on your family life as a husband and father.

A – Yeah, it’s almost my life caught in the middle. I really take care of my dad, and my mom who are deep in their 80’s. I mean bathe them and shower them. It’s definitely a life experience. And then I have my three little ones and I’ve been married for 17 years. I tell stories about “Half Baked” and “Saturday Night Live” and then I go into my family life.

Q – That’s awesome. And I hear the material is clean for the most part.

A – Very clean but not fairy tale clean. When I say clean I mean I’m not dropping “f” bombs. It’s still edgy. It’s still belly laughing my style edgy. No one’s going to leave the show feeling offended. That’s what I mean by clean, that’s all.

Q – Eddie Murphy and Chris Rock’s earlier stuff was dirty and adult related and they seemed to tone it down when they had families. Was this something that crossed your mind when doing this special?

A – To be honest with you, when I started toning it down, it’s because my kids watch everything I do now. I want them to be able to watch me and crack up. They’re kids in school and that’s definitely a major factor.

Q – What do you want people to take away from your comedy special?

A – I want them to go out and enjoy their families. No matter how dysfunctional it is.

Q – Say you’re at the end of your career, what’s the one thing you want people to remember about Jim Breuer?

A – (long pause) Aww God he made me laugh hard.

Q – I haven’t seen it yet.

A – I think people are going to like it.

Q- You’re special, again, will air on Comedy Central, July 25th. Is there anything you wanted to add to this interview?

A – See me on tour, I’m a monster on tour. And now is the time to catch me.

Q – Sounds good man. Hey, thanks for taking the time to call in.

A – Thanks for being patient. And sorry I called late.

Q – I was sitting behind my computer for an hour man.

A – (laughs) All right. Well have a good one. And thanks a million.

Q – You too.

A – Take care.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Dax Riggs is a combination of metal and magic.”

By Julia Barr

I arrived at the Picador to see Dax Riggs in concert, curious and excited, a fan of their newest album, “We Sing Only of Blood or Love.” The bar was dimly lit by red lanterns and cigarette smoke hung thick in the air like anticipation. I sat in the bar taking in the atmosphere and the crowd, which could be summed up by the graffiti that decorated the Picador’s bathroom walls. “If I took this cigarette and put it out on you, would you love me?” was on one wall, in angry red letters. Across from a grinning stick figure on the opposite wall was accompanied by the message “Always be happy.”



A man in a black cowboy hat with a bushy beard stepped up to order a Jack and Coke. “You ever seen these guys?” I asked. He chuckled deep in his throat and said “I’m the drummer.” He introduced himself as Andy Macleod, as we struck up a conversation, and he and Dax Riggs, the lead singer, guitarist, and namesake for the band, gave me some insight into their artistic process.

Dax Riggs was a thin, elfin figure with expressive features and hands that seemed to always be moving. We bonded quickly over the fact that we’d unknowingly been onstage together with Iggy Pop at Lollapalooza last summer when Iggy invited the crowd to rush the stage. Riggs cited Iggy as one of his greatest influences when it came to performance. Riggs had similar passion and intensity in his physical movement, and the ability to captivate the crowd with a single look. Riggs also confessed a secret adoration for glam rock like New York Dolls and Roxymusic. Both Macleod and Riggs had been around the block musically speaking. “I started playing drums at age three, as soon as I was old enough to hold the sticks,” McCloud said.

Stylistically, they’d evolved from heavy metal to psychedelic rock to blues. Their show encompassed elements of all of these genres. Riggs said that his vocal style had also developed over the years, as he progressed from mere screaming to confident singing. It was his early love of singing that prompted him to get into music in the first place. He never fancied himself a musician or a poet.

“I just wanted to sing and realized I needed words to sing and melodies to back them up,” Riggs said. For all their experience, Dax Riggs had yet to reach critical acclaim, yet according to their documentarian, Sloan Incosis, the band had a dedicated and cult-like following. Their poetic lyrics and ability to authentically play a diverse array of styles had led fans to call Riggs “the Jim Morrison of our generation.”

The story of how the band came to be called Dax Riggs was bittersweet. Originally, the band was a trio called Acid Bath, but the bass player died tragically in a car accident, and the remaining members “didn’t feel (they) could go on as the same band with him gone.”



The pain they’d been through showed in their music. They captured feelings of melancholy and darkness without seeming overly negative. The first song on the new album, “Demon Tied to a Chair in my Brain,” upon first listen, seemed to be a parody of gothic melodrama, but was actually a sincere expression of self reflection. Of all the songs on the new album, Riggs felt that this one most exemplified him as a person.

“It’s about sitting at home, staring at the walls and going crazy. It taps into that Jekyll and Hyde side of my personality, the side that everyone sees versus the one that comes out when you’re alone,” he said.

An art school dropout, Macleod believed that the thought processes of creating visual art were similar to those of making music. When describing “Night is the Notion,” his favorite song on the new album, he said, “The difference between that song and other songs is that every beat is calculated. It’s a minimalist approach, like in art school when you only can use so many lines to draw that potato, but you still manage to communicate that it is a potato.”

This decisiveness defined Dax Riggs’ music. Every note, every drumbeat, and every movement had a purpose. When recording “Night is the Notion,” they recorded more than forty takes, with no editing, because they wanted it to sound live, but still be perfect.

“We’re both constantly writing lyrics,” Macleod said. “I think of them when I’m driving and put them in my Blackberry. So we just have this stockpile of words and phrases, like a collage.” The two musicians seemed continuously to be on the same wavelength, to the point of finishing each other’s sentences. Although Riggs was the front-man, the songwriting was collaborative. When I asked Riggs which of their songs was his favorite, he replied with the same one.

It was easy to see why “Night is the Notion,” a calypso explosion, full of atmospheric reverb from a KROG synthesizer, was their favorite to play. One lyric within the song about a “black balloon” embodied the music and attitude of Dax Riggs perfectly.

“Above all, I believe that the imagination is the most powerful weapon a human being can have. Above all, I believe in magic. That’s what it’s about,” Riggs said. “Our music comes from a dark place, but it’s meant to be uplifting.”

This pretty much summed up their music; a journey through an uncharted fantasy world; dark yet whimsical; at times bleak, yet open to all the possibilities the universe had to offer.



BYLINE:

Julia Barr is a creative writing major at University of Iowa who is obsessed with music of almost all genres. Check out her Facebook or shoot her an e-mail.

"Ramblings of a road comic."

By BT

My butt is sore!! Stop it!! It's not what you think, no weekend prison stay, no weekend at Little Richard's house, I've ridden my motorcycle a lot this weekend!!

I mean a lot! I set a goal and didn't accomplish it, but along the way, I had a lot of fun. My bike had 26,234 miles on it, my goal was to finish with 26,800.



As of now it has 26,634. Didn't make it, but the fun was in the trying. Now if you don't get motorcycles, that's fine, but please don't tell us or any other motorcycle riders, horror stories, we don't wanna hear it. Why would I wanna hear about somebody who got "done in" by a motorcycle? It's like if you just got married and all your buddies had horror stories of marriages gone bad then they say to you, "Good luck!" Yeah, thanks for pissing on my parade, muthafuckers!!

Sometimes I just wish people would just shut up. Everyone feels like they have to talk. Why? I'm to the point in my life where (and granted, this would look a lot better if I had a graph to illustrate my point, but…) if the "I don't give a fuck" line is here, well I'm slightly below it at, “I just give enough of a fuck to say, ‘I don't give a fuck,’” and "Why the fuck are you talking to me?"

Of course I'm too nice to actually say this but damn it, I'm thinkin' it! Know this if you happen to comment on some shit I could care less about, like say, anything that doesn't involve bikes, MMA, Sports and comedy/entertainment. Okay, maybe pizza! C'mon pizza? Seriously!

That actually reminds me of a funny joke from a comic but so true.

As an African-American you sometimes feel self-conscious during certain times, like "tipping" at restaurants. Even if you have shitty service, you feel like you have to because of the stereotype of "not tipping." But the big one for me and a few more of us is eating chicken or watermelon in public or in front of white people.

I really feel like I don't have to explain why, but the joke was: This black comic said he was at "The Taste of Chicago" and they had "seedless watermelon" and he said "c'mon black people, seedless?" And I giggled my ass off, because I was thinkin' that sounds delicious.



“Seedless? C'mon black people, seedless?" That means you can eat and eat without once spittin' that shit out or taking a pause.

Funny huh? That's where we differ as races. There's not one food white people feel self-conscious about eating in front of black people, unless it was actually called, "Niggers Head Cheese!" Then you'd feel a slight bit uncomfortable, right? "Hey Chad, what are you eating? That looks scrumptious?"

"I'm eating a ham sandwich with some nig,nig, ni, ni uh, uh, Oh God, Oh Jesus, Mary and Joseph –“

"What's wrong Chad? Cat got ya tongue? Spit it out!"

"Can we talk about the game? How about that Vince Carter? Can that Nigger's head cheese jump or what? Oops!"

"Tha fuck did you just say?"

"I was talking about the cheese!"

"Vince Carter is a cheese to you? He ain’t even a man now, he's a dairy product to you? Kiss my ass Chad, if you weren't signing my checks I'd whoop your Ham and Nigger's Head Cheese eating ass!"

“Wow!! Where did that come from? Who knows, but hey you know me, I go crazy and go off sometime. Well, hope you enjoyed it like I did.”

“Talk to you in a couple of days.”

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

"Lisa Landry says stand-up is better than acting."

By Jason Tanamor

Comedienne Lisa Landry began doing stand-up because she kept on getting fired from her job. And that's a good thing. Not getting fired, but getting into stand-up comedy. That's because, Landry is one of the funniest comedians working today. Zoiks! Online recently called in to chat with her.



Click on the link to listen to the interview with Lisa Landry.

http://www.mediafire.com/?hmgwzgkjjnq



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“There is ‘Chaos’ ‘Inside.’” – DVD Reviews.

(3 reviews for the price of 1)

By Bob Zerull

I don’t know why I do it. Whenever I hear that something is disgusting or disturbing I feel the need to see if it’s true. Torture Porn as they call movies like “Hostel” or “Saw” ruined good, scary horror movies. Sick stuff doesn’t scare me. It may make me cringe or feel sick, but I’m not scared. Two of the scariest movies I’ve seen in a long time are “The Strangers” and the foreign film titled “Rec” (which was later remade as “Quarantine”). Neither movie relied on gore. It was the unknown that scared you.



This brings me to the first of my three movie reviews, “Chaos.” From what I understand, “Chaos” was a failed attempt at a remake of the Wes Craven classic “The Last House on the Left.” I loved “Last House,” because it seemed so real. It was like they were taping these people torturing these girls, which scared me to death because it was so real. In the end, the parents of one of the girls turn the table on them.

“Chaos” is almost the same exact story. The problem with “Chaos” is that it is just plain stupid. The acting is horrific. The only thing that is done even remotely well is the use of effects. When they are torturing this girl the camera doesn’t cut away and it looks like they really did what they did to her. They succeeded there, but everywhere else was a flat out miss.

The characters are as dumb as they come in a horror movie. I’ll forgive some level of stupidity in a horror movie. For instance, in the movie “Wolf Creek” the characters make some pretty bad decision that end up getting them killed, however I can see those decisions being made in the heat of the moment.



In “Chaos” it’s just ridiculous. In the history of movies I feel safe in saying that the two cops in this are the two stupidest characters ever - I am not exaggerating. The worst part of the whole movie is the crappy ending. In “Last House” the bad guys get tortured by the parents of one of the victims.

*SPOILER*

In “Chaos” you think that is going to happen, but then all of the sudden the main bad guy survives - it’s just stupid.

*END SPOILER*

Please don’t ever see this movie, the filmmakers don’t deserve your money.

Movie number two is a French film entitled “Martyrs.” This is a movie that started off with so much potential. It begins with a girl who is trapped in some dungeon. She’s clearly being tortured, but you don’t really know how or why. She escapes and becomes an orphan where she befriends another little girl. Fast forward to when they are in their late teens/early twenties, the tortured little girl returns to the home where she is tortured and murders a family. It is one amazing scene. It is brutal and horrifying. It’s not because of the gore, although there is plenty of it, it’s the intensity behind it. The fact that we don’t really know if this is the house where she was tortured or not keeps it that much more freaky.

The girl’s friend comes to try to save her/get her out of there, but with no luck. Then the movie just goes crazy. I’m not going to tell you how it goes crazy, because it would spoil the movie. I personally think where they went with this movie sucks. It is incredibly original. It took me a couple days to decide if where they went was good or bad. If any of you do see this movie and want to discuss it please email me, because it is in a way a fascinating idea, I just don’t buy into it. Why would someone go to all that trouble for that? You’ll have to check out the movie to understand.



Finally another French film titled “Inside.” Again, this is a movie that started off with a ton of potential. It is about a pregnant lady who apparently lost her husband in a car accident in which she was driving. The night before she is going to be induced into labor this crazy woman comes over and is pounding on the sliding glass door. There are some terrifically scary images here. The woman on the outside, you never really get a good look at her. The cops are called and once they arrive, it appears as if the lady is gone. The pregnant woman goes to sleep. Next thing we know, the crazy woman on the outside, is inside (hence the title).

At this point the movie starts to head down the path of crappy. Once the crazy woman gets inside, she tries to cut open the pregnant lady and take the baby out. The movie was so good up to this point that this didn’t really bother me. The pregnant lady manages to get to safety. In the mean time two guests and three cops come by and none of them manage to save this poor girl. I said the cops in “Chaos” were the stupidest characters in the history of movies, and I stand by it. The cops in this tried very hard themselves. I don’t understand it. I know five cops personally, none of which are stupid. Needless to say, the climax of the movie is the showdown between the pregnant lady and the crazy woman.

*SPOILER*

The pregnant lady manages to burn the woman that is attacking her. Just as she’s about to escape to safety, one of the dead cops gets up looking like a zombie (there were no zombies in this movie up to this point) and attacks the pregnant woman. The crazy woman apparently survived the burn. The pregnant lady then all of the sudden goes into labor, the crazy woman delivers the baby, you find out that at the beginning of the movie, in that car accident the crazy woman miscarried, which is why she’s after this one. Don’t bother trying to figure this out, because really it is just stupid. The final scene is of the burnt crazy woman sitting in a rocking chair with the new born baby that somehow survived all of this.

*END SPOILER*

So to sum it all up, stay away from “Chaos” and “Inside.” They are incredibly gory movies, but they are such bad movies that there is really no point in seeing them. See “Martyrs.” While I hate where the movie went, it is still interesting and I’d love to debate/discuss it with anyone.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email him your thoughts at: bzerull19@gmail.com. Also visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.

"Lisa Loeb on YouTube."

By Jason Tanamor

Lisa Loeb is one of the most successful female musicians on the scene today. Her new album, "Camp Lisa" is in stores now. Zoiks! Online had the pleasure of sitting down with her for an interview. Check her out here on YouTube.





Also check out the interview Zoiks! Online did with her:

"Lisa Loeb has staying power."

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."