“Rahn Ramey’s law degree takes a back seat to comedy.”

By Jason Tanamor

Rahn Ramey went from practicing law to practicing jokes. The former attorney decided a career in law wasn’t for him when he was fired from a volunteer job. “I was a legal aid and apparently wasn’t very good at it,” Ramey said. “Aside from that, it took seven times to pass the bar.”



When he did finally pass, Ramey said he hated being a lawyer. “It sucked. I sucked at it. The problem was, my parents are doctors, my siblings have PhD’s, and then there’s me,” Ramey said. “It was a lot to live up to.”

Ramey didn’t realize he wanted to be a comedian until he saw a horrendously bad comic in St. Louis, his hometown. “There was this guy named Jerry West. Heard of him? Of course you haven’t. He’s terrible,” Ramey said. “When I saw him, I said, ‘I could be drunk and be funnier than him.’”

After making that comment, Ramey tried his hand at stand-up comedy. His act, “Bill Cosby on crack,” or “Adulterated garbage,” takes a look at marriage, weddings, relationships, among other subjects. “Whatever’s being talked about in the media, I’m doing jokes about it,” Ramey said. “I write for seven different comics. I’m always getting subjects thrown at me so I write jokes about them. I have nothing to do all day.”

Ramey has opened up for the late Luther Vandross, Earth, Wind and Fire, and Randy Travis. “I was opening up for Randy Travis and someone yelled, ‘Hey, get that (n-word) off the stage.’ I don’t do a lot of musical acts anymore,” said Ramey.



Now, Ramey plays clubs across the world and also dabbles in film and television in his spare time. “I’ve been in movies with Jude Law and Martin Lawrence and had my own television show in ‘99. I was in a show called “Willie the Mailman.” It was so bad UPN didn’t even want it,” said Ramey. “I had the development deal, I went all through that.”

Ramey says being a television or movie star isn’t what he dreams about. “I love what I do. I get paid for it. I used to hate the traveling but that was because I had a bad attitude,” Ramey said. “You eventually get used to the traveling and the bad shows that go along with it. You’re only as good as your last show.”

He added, “I can do this for a long time. The only thing I want when I’m done is for my kids to think I was a cool guy and dad. I just don’t want them to be on Maury Povich talking about how bad a father I was.”

Thinking their father is a cool guy shouldn’t be that hard. Ramey, wanting to spend some time with his son, took him on the road with him when he opened up for Hall & Oates. “Instead of riding on the bus with the band, my son and I decided to get an RV to spend some father/son time together,” Ramey said. “After our first leg, I was ready to get on that bus.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Where can a girl get explosions around here?"

By Bry Schulz

I just saw the new sci-fi movie “District 9.” I went to see it with my husband in the theater because that's the best way to see sci-fi movies, right? In the theater? I know, I'm a chick, but I can still get excited for a good gory alien movie! Unfortunately this movie did not satisfy my alien "shoot-em-up" desires.



“District 9” was a thought provoking alien movie. I was confused and a little upset by that. I don't like my thoughts to be provoked by alien movies. Aren't these movies designed to gross you out, freak you out, and plant serious worry in your mind about the future of our planet?

Is it just me?

Now pardon the stereotyping but I think of sci-fi movies as man movies. The antithesis of the chick flick. I can remember when I was younger my father would say to me, "Let’s watch something with mindless violence." He loved a movie with little plot and lots of action. The kind of movie where someone takes off their sock, puts a cue ball in it, and bashes sculls in. The proper way to view these movies is slouched, in sweat pants, drooling, and cross eyed. While thought provoking movies are good there's also a purpose to mindless violence. Isn't that what men want? And what happens to the world if you take away the senseless violence of a good sci-fi movie? Aliens might as well invade.

Seeing “District 9” and it's heavy social undertones begs the question - what's wrong with the dudes? It's like they started thinking. As a chick feeling threatened, I don’t want my dude movies to make me think. I want my dude movies to flash inappropriate boob shots and be filled with yelling while shooting a gun in slow-mo. This is the way it is supposed to work. Arnold Schwarzenegger didn't get to where he is today because “Conan the Barbarian” satiated your desires to compare Greek Mythology to the foundations of Christianity. Hello, he wielded a sword!



What constitutes the perfect sci-fi movie? Aliens? Yes. Explosions? Yes. Advanced computer systems we don't have the technology for? Yes. Emotional connections between the audience and the aliens? NO! No, no, no! Where's the gore? Where's the slow-mo? I don't think anything in “District 9” was in slow motion. That right away should DQ it from sci-fi standing. If this behavior keeps up it'll be the death of an entire movie genre. Plots can kill!

When you look back at sci-fi movies like “Species” or “Predator” there is greatness in their simplicity. Look at “Predator 2” for example - Rastafarian drug lords, gratuitous sex scenes, and Danny Glover. Bam, you've got a sci-fi movie. Break down the 1995 movie “Species” - Natasha Henstridge, Forest Effing Whitaker, Ben Kingsley, modified human DNA, it all equals sci-fi genius. Nowhere in either sci-fi movies are their alien kids.

I concede that “District 9” had some fabulously realistic aliens. The movie was shot in a cool documentary style. There certainly were explosions and blood and those were done well. But there wasn't one boob. No I'm not gay but even “Star Wars” had some serious cleavage going on. It's just what's right for sci-fi, or isn't it? Even a girl can realize there are just some things in life you can't change. But not with this movie. I hope this hasn't started a trend. I'm going to have to pray the SyFy channel re-runs “Mansquito” soon just to feel vindicated.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Thank you for not sharing.”

By Melvin Durai

I'd like to take a few minutes to thank some of my friends for not sharing. I know how hard it is not to share. After all, when I was a little boy, my mother drummed into me the importance of sharing. And soon after that, she scolded me for coughing on my sister and trying to share my germs.



I learned, of course, that sharing has its limits. There are some things in life you just shouldn't share, such as underwear, toothbrushes, and girlfriends. It's also not a good idea, however tempting it might be, to share a spouse. I have no idea how women in some parts of the world – not just Utah - manage to share a husband. I have enough trouble sharing my wife with the Food Network.

Yes, sharing isn't always a good thing. That's why I want to thank some of my friends:

Thank you for not sharing the photos of your vacation in Hawaii last winter. I really didn't want to see you relaxing on the beach with a margarita, not when I was stuck in Winnipeg, getting treatment for frostbite on my butt.

Thank you for not sharing all 284 photos you took at your daughter's graduation from nursery school. The three photos you shared were just perfect, showing what an emotional occasion it was, with several graduates crying as they came to terms with the fact that, after a whole year of school, they weren't getting the piece of cake with the flower on it.

Thank you for not sharing your home movies with me. I'm sure it was hard to keep them to yourself, especially since you've taken your video camera everywhere and captured so many proud moments, such as your 6-year-old daughter finishing No. 1 in the egg-and-spoon race and your 3-year-old son doing No. 1 in the bathroom.



Thank you for not sharing every detail of your life through Twitter. I'm really grateful you didn't feel the urge to send out a tweet that said, "It's that time of the month again. Yes, it's time for me to take another bath."

Thank you for not sharing what's on your mind every single time you log into Facebook. It's very kind of you to wait until you have a really deep thought such as, "If the people of Madagascar were really serious about going green, they'd change their country's name to Madahybridcar."

Thank you for not sharing your family's recipe for squirrel stew. I tried squirrel once and, to be completely frank with you, I've had my share of rodents for a lifetime.

Thank you for not sharing your true opinion of my clothes. I know I'm out of style: my shorts are too short, my pants are too narrow, and my underwear is too concealed.

Thank you for not sharing your copy of Bill O'Reilly's book "Kids Are Americans Too." Having three children caught between two cultures, I'm more inclined to read Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's book "Kids Are Too American."

Thank you for not sharing any gossip about our other friends. You and I are alike: We don't like to gossip. But do you know who does? I'll tell you later.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

“The genius of Harry Shearer.”

By Jason Tanamor

Some of you know Harry Shearer from his days with SNL. Others know Shearer from the movie, “This is Spinal Tap.” Most of you know him as playing a barrage of voices on “The Simpsons.” But what you probably didn’t know about him is that, aside from being a multi faceted actor/comedian, Harry Shearer also has a long running radio program in which he voices his opinion about anything and everything.

Zoiks! Online recently had the pleasure of speaking with Shearer about his past, present, and future. Not to mention his acknowledgment to me that Ricky Martin is no longer working.



Q - You, let’s face it, have cult status to myself and millions of others around the world. From “This is Spinal Tap,” SNL, to “The Simpsons,” how does it feel to be a part of these projects?

A - It feels better than to be constantly recognized for having been in some crap show or movie. But, basically, my focus is on the next stuff, and if that status can help the new stuff get made, it's great. If not, well...

Q - Which voice is your favorite to do on “The Simpsons”?

A - C. Montgomery Burns. He reminds me of people I have worked for.

Q - Do you like doing voices rather than physically being on screen?

A - Obviously, it's less arduous, there's less waiting, you're not wearing a lot of prosthetic make-up (which I have in a lot of roles I've done). On the other hand, you have only one medium with which to express yourself, so you have to focus even more than in onscreen acting.

Q - When people see you on the streets, do you find yourself standing for hours doing voices just to satisfy them or is there another route you take to cut things short? Say, “Look over there, it’s Ricky Martin,” then running off?

A - No, Ricky Martin doesn't work anymore. Actually, most people who come up to me are very nice, and not at all demanding. I don't do voices for people ordinarily, and they seem (or pretend) to understand.



Q - What avenue do you enjoy doing most and is there a hidden talent that no one knows you have that you would like to share today?

A - I think Chris Guest and Michael McKean and I all have the same answer to this question: I like doing it all. That was always the plan. There's no hidden talent, although, given the distribution of my first feature as a director, I guess you could say that talent is still semi hidden.

Q - I’ve watched SNL and think that it’s lost its funniness. What is your opinion on SNL now compared to when you were with the show?

A - I've long since said everything I ever wanted to say about SNL. It's a great way for advertisers to sell beer and movies.

Q - Who gave you your first break?

A - Jack Benny.

Q - Who is the best person, or most talented person, you’ve ever worked with?

A - Long list: Chris, Michael, David L. Lander, Martin Mull, Catherine O'Hara, John Michael Higgins, Phil Kaufman, that's just scratching the surface. I've been fortunate to work, most of the time, with wonderful people and wonderful talents.

Q - You take on serious tones on your radio show, “Le Show.” Does the world, being in the state that it’s in, drive you crazy or is it just something to criticize about?

A - It doesn't drive me crazy. The American media's dogged refusal to cover much of it does.

Q - When you give your opinions about current events, do you care what people think?

A - I almost never care about that, as long as they are amused by the comedy I do.

Q - What is your career highlight?

A - As an experience, I think the “Mighty Wind” movie and tour.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“The Time Traveler’s Wife.” – Book/Movie Review.

By Bry Schulz

The book “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” by Audrey Niffenegger, is pretty much as simple as it sounds by the title. It's about a chick married to a dude who travels through time. Simple, right? WRONG. It is about love transcending time though and I can dig that.



Don't be worried that this book will be hard to follow due to time traveling logistics, it isn't. The story is told through both Clare and Henry's eyes. The beginning of the book really starts with Clare as a very young girl, about six-years-old. She meets a man in the meadow behind her parents’ house who introduces himself as Henry and explains he's a time traveler. He's naked and she wants to know why - because apparently you don't take your clothes when you time travel.

What could totally be creepy - old naked man hangs out with 6-year-old girl in the woods, sounds like a love story for the record books - isn't creepy but sweet. Henry is kind and good to his future wife.

Through the years as Clare grows up meeting Henry in the meadow she falls in love with him. Henry basically became Clare's Prince Charming at age six and she grows up idolizing him and eventually falls in love when they finally meet in present time. The relationship hits bumps along the way once they get married and attempt a family. Henry is constantly vanishing, leaving only a pile of clothes where he once stood. Clare waits patiently for her husband to come back from his time traveling. Mostly Henry travels to see Clare in her past but he has many destinations. Some of those destinations are dangerous and eventually seems to end his life. A tear jerker for sure, this book is great. I suggest reading this book with a bag of Oreo's and a box of Kleenex.

I loved the book “The Time Traveler’s Wife.” I'm not usually into romance novels but this one hooked me early on. I read this book in fewer than five days, definitely a page turner by definition. Not only was it romantic and thought provoking but it had humor. Romance + Humor = Heart! The book was great and not just because of Clare and Henry but I'll let you discover the rest of the cast of characters that round out this novel. I give it a solid A.



The movie: Anytime a movie is made and based off of a book you know what's going to happen. Undoubtedly you'll hear, “It wasn't as good as the book.” The same was the case here but - DUH! Does a movie better than the book version exist anywhere? However, I really enjoyed the movie.

Rachel McAdams did a great job as Clare. And the cute girl who played Clare as a child was adorable. Henry was played by Eric Bana and I think he did a fab job too. It's a difficult roll because Henry ages so much. He goes from a child to his early 40's. Both Bana and McAdams are great actors and I was glad to see their portrayal of the two lead characters. (Ron Livingston, AKA “Burger” from “Sex & the City” is in this movie too - bonus!)

There were, of course, some changes from the book. A few main characters are left out. Kimy, the landlord who helps raise Henry after his mother’s death, was left out entirely. There were no shenanigans pulled by Clare's mother like in the book. Clare's mom kind of sucks though so I was cool with her absence. And Gomez (Burger) did not have as large of a role either.

You just couldn't fit all that information into the movie so I think these missing parts were good choices to lose. So in comparison to the book I'd give the movie a solid B+. I can't say what anyone who hasn't read the book will think because I have read the book. But I hope you do read the book first. And you should always read the book first.

The Book: A
The Movie: B+



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Funny People.” – Movie Review.

By Bob Zerull

4 Stars:

“Funny People” is the latest film from director Judd Apatow (“Freaks & Geeks,” “The 40 Year Old Virgin”). It stars Adam Sandler in probably his greatest role ever. He plays George Simmons, a hugely successful stand-up comic who’s made the move to big screen star much like Tim Allen, Eddie Murphy and Sandler himself. At the beginning of the film George is diagnosed with cancer and it’s too late for chemo or radiation to have any effect. George’s last chance is an experimental drug that has only been effective 8% of the time.



George takes a long hard look at his life and discovers that materially he has it all, but his life has zero substance. He has no friends, just maids and Hollywood acquaintances. So George decides to go back to his stand-up roots and show up at an improv night. At the improve, Ira Wright (Seth Rogen) is supposed to go on stage when he receives word that George Simmons has showed up and wants to do ten minutes, so he’ll have to follow Simmons. George gets on stage and is more depressing than funny. By the time Ira gets up there the crowd is out of the laughing mood, so Ira changes his act and just rips on George’s act and how depressing it was.

After the show Ira runs into George and George tells Ira how funny he thought he was. He asks Ira if would like to write for him. Ira tells George that he would love to. Ira becomes George’s assistant, writer, best and only friend. Ira provides George with that friendship he’s been missing. They tour together with Ira opening for Sandler’s character. Simmons eventually tells Ira about his condition. Ira convinces him to tell those close to him. This brings George to the woman he was supposed to marry - Laura (Leslie Mann), who is married to Clarke (Eric Bana) and has two kids played by Apatow and Mann’s real life daughters.

“Funny People” is a very funny movie about stand-up comedy, friendship, life and death. It’s probably not Apatow’s funniest movie, but it’s easily his best. Sandler is flat out amazing as George Simmons. He begins to cherish his life once he finds out he is dying and makes valuable changes to his life. He later gets news that the experimental drug has worked and that the cancer has left his body. Will Simmons be able to sustain the life lessons he’s learned or will he go back to the shallow version of himself that he once was?



At the same time Seth Rogen’s performance as Ira is one of his best. Ira is a struggling stand-up comic who has two roommates (Jason Schwartzman & Jonah Hill) who are more successful than him. He betrays his friend for a chance at stardom. All this as Simmons is trying to get away from stardom and make real friends. Once Simmons learns that he is going to be ok it is very interesting watching how Simmons and Ira evolve.

What’s good? The story is Judd Apatow’s greatest yet. This is not a silly over the top comedy like “Knocked Up” or “The 40 Year Old Virgin.” But it is still a very funny movie. The performances are great. I’ve said it multiple times above, but this is the best I’ve ever seen Sandler. The cameos are great and plentiful including stand-up comics, actors, musicians and rappers.

What’s bad? This movie is very long at 2 hours and 26 minutes. If there is anything that Apatow is bad at it is editing. However, what he leaves in is still entertaining, it just doesn’t move the story forward. If he were to make cuts, most likely Jason Schwartzman’s character would be the one cut, but he’s very good, so I understand why they didn’t make the cut. Overall, I really enjoyed this movie. It’s not what you’re expecting coming from Judd Apatow, Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen, but honestly I think it’s better than what you’d expect.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.

“Patton Oswalt – My Weakness is Strong.” – Concert Review.

By Jason Tanamor

Patton Oswalt, the very funny comedian who plays Spence on “The King of Queens,” comes to the stage with a new special called “My Weakness is Strong.” In typical Patton style, the comedian started off his show with foul language and a bit about texting his wife back and forth.



Oswalt went into the bit and revealed that he and his wife were having a baby. The packed audience cheered and clapped and from then on, the special’s theme was introduced. Included in the show was material about having home births, to which the comedian joked about how it was done back in history.

For those who have some knowledge of Patton’s comedy, the comic self-deprecated his life by saying he either had to lose weight or be happy with what was going on. “I’d have to be like Jeff Goldblum in ‘The Fly.’” He exaggerated his physique to the extent he mocked himself about working out in public. Oswalt also noted that he would be giving up liquor and drugs. “For a while,” he quipped.

The comedian joked about LSD, and how much he missed it, plus his prescription to Prozac for his depression. He talked about how he realized that he depended on negativity and cynicism to get through life. “The Oswalt family crest should be a pair of eyes rolling off to the side, and a bag of Cheetos, and the word “Fuck!”” he said.

What I found humorous about the special was that Oswalt joked about how when he was doing press for the movie, “Ratatouille,” actual children were interviewing him. His bit made it seem like if anyone was going to have a child, it should not be him.



There was also a hilarious bit about how he and his wife were looking for houses and a day that they were going to look at one, the owners forgot, only to have Oswalt and his wife show up while the owners of the house were having an orgy. The comedian stretches the bit by talking about who was involved, how it developed, and a blond guy who “had Craigslist hook-up written all over him.” Once they left, driving home, Oswalt went on about how his wife just realized that they were having an orgy. He mocked his wife (later saying that she was 10 times smarter than him), by saying, “There was a fog bank of twatness and we are going to go home and burn our clothing.”

Throughout the one hour special, Oswalt went on tangents about Paganism, his future daughter, politics, and how the economy would collapse like the movie, “The Road Warrior,” played by Mel Gibson.

Dressed in a nicely brown sport jacket and slacks, the comedian hit on all cylinders, with the material coming out flawlessly and with impeccable timing. The theme of the show was consistent, leading back to the title of the special, “My Weakness is Strong,” in the sense that Oswalt’s weakness – the depression, the substance abuse, and cynicism – is what made him strong; strong for comedy, his life, and now his daughter.

Patton Oswalt has appeared on “The King of Queens,” David Letterman, “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” Comedy Central, and The Comedians of Comedy Tour.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Chris Porter pretty much says anything on stage.”

By Jason Tanamor

“Stand-up comedy is the bastard child of freedom of speech,” Chris Porter said. “You can say pretty much anything on stage without any repercussions.”



And Chris Porter should know. The comedian has been saying “pretty much anything on stage” for more than 10 years now. His influences include Richard Pryor, Dave Attell and Lewis Black. “But I don’t want to be reminded of someone else or look like someone. I try to be as original as I can be,” Porter said.

His act, self-described as “sex, drugs and rock n’ roll,” has been featured on the National Lampoon network, “Last Comic Standing,” and the Comedy Central Live tour. A combination of both written jokes and spontaneous material, Porter said the funny stuff comes from the heart. “If it’s too thought out it’s too wordy or hackneyed. Sometimes I’ll have a premise in my head for weeks at a time but then, it takes a while to cultivate a joke,” said Porter. “I don’t just sit at a desk and write. Sometimes it’s hard and sometimes it’s easy. Sometimes I say, ‘I can’t believe I get paid to do this.’”

The comedian began doing stand-up as a nineteen year old in college. A Business and Computer major, Porter was drawn into the business by a friend from high school. “He’s kinda crazy, he’s easily influenced by the media. He saw a stand-up show and wanted to do it. He called the comedy club up and asked how to become a comedian,” said Porter. “Then he called me and told me I should become one too. I said, ‘No,’ but then I saw him perform, and realized I could do it. The first time up, I got hooked.”



Although Porter has had a successful stint in comedy thus far, it doesn’t mean he hasn’t seen his less than spectacular times on stage. “I played an arena, it held 15,000 people and only 75 people were there,” Porter said. “I’m not good at math but I don’t think it was even 1%. It was after a hockey game and everyone left. No one stayed for me.”

The Kansas City native, who now calls Los Angeles his home, left his home town to pursue bigger things. “I explored all I could in Kansas City, I started to plateau a little bit and I didn’t like it. There was nothing my agent could do until I moved to L.A.,” Porter said. “I want more national exposure, a comedy special, and a sitcom would be nice. Just get my name out and make more money doing stand-up to support my family, extended family, and make a comfortable living.”

However, Porter is grateful for his time spent in Kansas City. “I met a manager two years into stand-up. He pushed me along and helped with getting contacts. I’m not with him anymore but he was a big part of my getting started. I got lucky,” said Porter.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“District 9.” – Movie Review.

By Bob Zerull

5 Stars:

I had heard nothing but amazing things going into this movie. Some critics had called “District 9” the best movie of 2009. That’s pretty impressive praise, even if it’s from a fan boy critic. And this is with “Watchmen,” “The Hurt Locker,” and “Inglourious Basterds” all coming out this year. My expectations were high, but at the same time I wasn’t sure what to expect in terms of the feeling or mood of the film.



What really made me interested was the trailer. In the trailer there was a scene with an alien being interrogated. There were subtitles under the alien that said something like we just want to go home. The funny thing is that scene is not even in the movie, and it doesn’t even matter. Another fascinating fact going in was that this was a $30 million movie with no name actors in it. I’m sure this was due to Peter Jackson presenting the movie, but still what studio signs off on that?

“District 9” begins in documentary/mocumentary style. An alien spaceship is hovering above the city of Johannesburg in South Africa. The government goes in to check out this ship only to find thousands of malnourished aliens who are terrified of what might happen next. The government brings these aliens to Earth to house them and provide nourishment. They house these aliens in “District 9” which eventually turns to slum-like conditions.

Where there are slums there are crimes. After 20 years the people of Johannesburg want the aliens out of their city. The aliens become known as “prawns.” The government, led by the MNU (Multi-National United), proceeds to evict the prawns from “District 9” to a new district (known as District 10 - sequel anyone?). The MNU sends in Wikus Van De Merwe to give the prawns a 24 hour eviction notice. Wikus is a careless, screw-up of a leader. The only reason he was chosen to do the evictions is because nobody else wants to do it.

Wikus becomes exposed to the prawn’s biotechnology and the MNU turns on him. Wikus hooks up with a prawn named Christopher Johnson. Yes, the alien’s name is Christopher Johnson. Johnson had been working for 20 years gathering the biotechnology that Wikus ultimately gets exposed to, trying to make his way home. Wikus joins Johnson on a mission to find the biotechnology that is now in the possession of the MNU. What ensues is the exciting third act that leaves us with a wide variety of possibilities if they ever decide to sequel this.



“District 9” is one of the most original movies I’ve seen in a very long time. I have to agree with other critics and fans that “District 9” is the best movie so far in 2009. I would love to see a movie like this get some Academy Award attention. I doubt it will because of the Academy. It doesn’t like to recognize genre pictures. That said, this movie is beyond just a science fiction story. I would compare it to something like “Hotel Rwanda” with aliens. First time director Neill Blomkamp uses aliens as a metaphor much like Romero uses zombies, but Blomkamp takes it to another level. He’s using the aliens to represent the apartheid that has taken place in South America.

What’s good? The originality of the story still blows my mind. I don’t think any moviegoer is truly going to know what they are in for. This movie is definitely special. The performances are top notch. First time actor Sharlto Copley delivers the best performance I’ve seen so far this year as Wikus Van De Merwe. This movie is definitely a Sci Fi movie, so it has that element of excitement and entertainment, but at the same time it is like you’re watching a documentary on apartheid.

What’s bad? Not much. There are some pretty funny moments in the movie, but I don’t know if that’s bad or not. It’s not really out of place. Humor is a part of everyday life, so I guess I would still consider it good, but if anything is going to distract you from the plot it is the humor.

This is a fascinating movie. I highly recommend checking it out.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.

“Look out for falling objects.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

At any moment now, we could all die. Every last one of us. For many, it would happen quickly, quite literally in a flash. For others, it would happen as a wave of water and earth coming on at hundreds of miles an hour. A slower death, yes, which is either better or worse depending on how one looks at it. But still a death. And, for those last lucky few, it would come as darkness and freezing and no food.



So by lucky, I mean lucky in sort of a different way than you’ve ever heard it before. A way in which it more relates to pain and suffering and sorrow. That kind of luck. It’s a new kind, really, and I think it will be all the rage in a few years, and maybe already is for fans of Bright Eyes. Come to think of it, I probably don’t mean lucky at all. But I’ve lost the topic.

What I’m talking about is this: asteroids. And, what I’m talking about is also this: those asteroids striking the Earth before we even see them coming.

But, you say, of course we’d see them. Bruce Willis would see them! Frodo Baggins would see them and marry me so we could be saved in an underground bunker. But you’d be wrong, which is either sad because you would surely die, or happy because at least you wouldn’t have those tense hours of waiting, knowing you were never going to find out what happens at the end of “Lost.”

I’ve been reading an excellent book by bestselling-author Bill Bryson. The book is called “A Short History of Nearly Everything” and it is a modern classic of science writing (at least I hope it is, since the New York Times is quoted on the front as saying it is destined to become one, and it would be quite embarrassing for them if it has failed to do so. At any rate, it ought to be. It’s very good).

In Chapter Thirteen (unlucky, like the death of our planet), Bryson talks about how we don’t even see the thousands of asteroids that cross our orbit each year. The first one we ever saw wasn’t even until 1991, when it had already flown by and, thankfully, missed. Another came in 1993, and was both larger and closer. The distance of both stood at 106,000 and 90,000 miles, respectively. Such distances sound huge when you think of them in terms of, say, how far you have missed by when trying to drive to Denver. But in cosmic terms, Bryson says, either one of those is “the equivalent of a bullet passing through one’s sleeve without touching the arm.”



This, it has been estimated, happens as much as two or three times as week, and all with no fanfare.

So why, you might ask, haven’t we been spotting them sooner? Why are we just letting them come on when at any time those bullets could stop passing through our sleeves and start hitting our arms?

The short answer is that no one is looking. Astronomy as a whole has become, with devices such as the Hubble Telescope, obsessed with the far-off. Astronomers want to study distant galaxies and imploding stars. They want to study the stuff of science fiction films, because that is where things are interesting. That is where, I think, they are all hoping that they will make the next breakthrough. That they will find aliens or worlds or the edge of the universe. And so they keep looking too far, looking right past all the large chunks of fast-moving rock that could wipe out civilization in a moment.

Bryson goes on to use the analogy that Earth is like a car on the freeway. In fact, it is the only car (we don’t care if other planets are struck, for this exercise, though the McDonald’s Corporation might, as I heard a rumor that they are looking to open their first store on Jupiter by the summer of 2014). The road, however, is constantly being crossed by pedestrians who don’t stop to look either direction. And we don’t know where 90 percent of those pedestrians even are, or when they might be coming to the curb.

So, think that you are driving this car, the Earth. And you are driving in the dark, unable to see. But you refuse to look or to even turn on the lights, because it is much more interesting to look further down the road, to where you can just barely see another car over the next hill. So you blunder on blindly, ignorantly, and hope you don’t hit any of those pedestrians who are running in front of your car two or three times a week.

That is how it is, though almost no one realizes it. Here is a short synopsis of how the movie “Armageddon” would have gone in the real world, and not in Hollywood:

Bruce Willis would sit down to breakfast. He would eat a piece of toast. Then he would see a bright light outside the window, a light that would last for a few seconds at best. Then he would be dead.

I implore astronomers everywhere: please start looking!



BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at: jon.j.schlosser@gmail.com.

“Maria Bamford’s voice is subjective – like it or not.”

By Jason Tanamor

One of my favorite comedians is the uber hilarious Maria Bamford. You may have seen her live with the Comedians of Comedy tour. The comedienne recently stopped by for a quick interview with Zoiks! Online.



Q – You’ve been doing stand-up for a while now. How did you first get involved in it?

A - In college I did a talent show. Bates College. Lewiston ME.

Q – Your voice seems to be something that stands out in your comedy. I’m assuming it’s your real voice. Do you think it takes away from people’s enjoyment of your comedy or adds to it?

A - I have no idea! I guess it’s subjective- whatever people like or don’t like.

Q – What types of advantages and disadvantages do women have over men in stand-up?

A - I don’t know, everyone has different strengths. Whatever is unique probably helps but I don’t think that’s connected to sex.

Q – It seems like there aren’t that many women in comedy. Yet, on your website, you name a lot. How come there’s a misconception about women comedians being funny?

A - I don’t know. I guess if someone really believes that, there’s really nothing anyone can do to prove their opinion isn’t right. Like religion.

Q – You toured with the Comedians of Comedy with Patton Oswalt , Brian Posehn , and Zach Galifianakis. How in the world did you end up with these crazy guys?

A - Patton liked my act and asked me to come along.

Q – There doesn’t seem to be a lot of sitcoms on television nowadays. Yet, there is a bunch of talented and funny comics working today. Why do you think the network television world lacks sitcoms?

A - I don’t know, they are expensive to make, that’s probably something.



Q – If you had your own network TV sitcom, would it be like a “Roseanne” type show or “Seinfeld”?

A - I loved “Roseanne,” it was more real and interesting for me, so “Roseanne.”

Q – With all the venues comedians have today like cable, Internet and satellite, do you think comedians have a better opportunity in “making it” than the comics of yesterday?

A - I don’t know what “making it” is. If it’s making a living then YES!

Q – You’re on tour and the week you’re coming to my hometown, I’ll be out of town so I’ll miss your performance. No question, just wanted to tell you that.

A - Whoops!

Q – Comedians have a crap load of time on the road. Do you think a comedian would make a good serial killer?

A - There was one that was a rapist. I can’t remember his name but he acted out at college gigs. I want to say his name was Vince.

Q – If there were a serial killer, what would the name be? (Last victim standing?)

A - Gerry Peeps.

Check out Maria on tour now. You can learn more about her at her website at: http://mariabamford.com.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Jesse Jane has always wanted to be a sex symbol."

By Jason Tanamor

When Jesse Jane worked as a manager at the popular chain Hooters, she was used to people giving her attention. After all, according to the restaurant chain, “people don’t come here for the food.” But even though Ms. Jane had the attention of the incoming patrons, she never really imagined how much notoriety she was going to get from that point forward. That’s because, currently, Jesse Jane is one of the hottest porn stars working today. “I love attention. I’ve always wanted to be a sex symbol. I love the fact that now people know me and masturbate to me,” Ms. Jane said.



The blond haired, green eyed native of Texas, who now makes her home in Los Angeles, stands barely above five feet high and weighs a little more than 100 pounds. Her small frame, however, doesn’t hinder her ability to find work on such major projects like the movie “Pirates,” her biggest movie to date. “It was well into seven figures. We shot at two locations, had an actual pirate ship, detailed sets, make-up, wardrobe, special effects and so much more,” Ms. Jane said.

Before working in film though, Jesse Jane was a model for Hawaiian Tropics, something she used to get signed with Digital Playground, a leader in marketing, branding and promotion. “I actually contacted Digital Playground, sent them pictures and then they flew me to L.A. and I signed a contract,” Ms. Jane said.

And thank goodness for that. By signing with the agency, Jesse Jane landed gigs with Maxim, People, The National Enquirer, US Weekly, In Touch, The Globe, and Star. Not to mention a stint on “The Howard Stern Show.” But with all the accolades she’s received, Jesse Jane credits her success with being herself. “I don’t care what people think of me. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion,” Ms. Jane said. “If you judge people without knowing them, that just shows how shallow of a person you are. The people’s opinions who matter are all of my fans.”

All of this print work eventually landed Ms. Jane on film, playing roles in adult movies all over the country and men and women’s imaginations and bedrooms. The porn star, who has appeared in numerous films including, “Island Fever 3,” “Jesse Jane Erotique,” “Loaded,” “Beat the Devil,” and “The Story Of J,” lost her virginity to her high school sweetheart. “I was seventeen. It was your typical puppy love. It was with my boyfriend, my first love,” Ms, Jane said. “It was after prom and we romantically set up the hotel room and we made love.”



Now, fourteen men later, Jesse Jane is still going strong. And even though her industry is adult movies, Ms. Jane has little worry about the threat of diseases like AIDS and STD’s. “Of course. I’ll always worry. Everyone should. But I’m not as worried as normal people out there should be,” Ms. Jane said. “Everyone in our business is tested every 30 days so we see if anyone is carrying HIV or STD’s. Most people go out and have one night stands with strangers and they have no idea if that person is carrying an STD. They also don’t know if they are hosting a disease themselves. So, I feel more comfortable working in the business knowing my partners and I are all clean.”

Jesse Jane also doesn’t worry about what people say about her, speaking from the experiences she’s gone through in her life as an adult movie goddess. And for those thinking about going into her line of work, she offers this advice. “Make sure you know that your friends and family will eventually find out. So you have to be okay with that. Then know that you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Ms. Jane said. “Some directors will try to convince you that you have to do gang bangs and stuff but you don’t. It really is a great job if you’re smart with your decisions.”

Ms. Jane added this for women specifically. “It’s okay to express yourselves sexually. Don’t be embarrassed to be empowered.” For Jesse Jane, she only plans to be on camera a little while longer. “A few more years on film and then I would like to make my own movies, behind the camera,” Ms. Jane said.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Ramblings of a road comic.”

By BT

Whew!! That's all I can say after running the bike at about 100 plus miles per hour at night, without a valid license, with a tinted shield on my helmet which allows me not to see at night. Talk about a RUSH! I feel alive right now, that along with my "Red Bull Milkshake" I just had at Steak n’ Shake!



This weekend made me want to get outta this business with the quickness, and after such a great week last week. Last week I was in a three star hotel on the 12th floor overlooking a golf course.

This week? Well... it wasn't last week. One nighters! Those two words alone will send shivers down the spine of a veteran comic. It always conjures up images of drunks screaming at the top of their lungs something unintelligible, people playing pool, televisions showing a game and about 10 people who actually care about the poor schmo on the stage spitting out some funny.

But in actuality the shows didn't go that bad, but still it had me thinking Wal-Mart Assistant Manager. I could be District Manager in two years!



Then you travel all day and you start thinking, “This is bullshit! I should be in a limo doing blow off some hooker’s ass.” Instead, I'm busting my ass to get to a place no one even knows I'm performing, including the people that are paying me.

But it slowly dawns on me, hey I'm still doing the job I love to do, but it's like this:

Say you're in love or married and your wife gains like 30 "nasty" pounds, not like a good 30, where it goes to the titties - you know you can never have too much titties, it's like having too much money, you can never have too much of either.

Anyway, like if your wife gained 30 nasty pounds but she gave you two great kids and she's still funny and can cook. Well, of course, she can cook. If she gained 30 pounds, she was a cooking muthafucka, but she was still all those things, just sloppy fat. You still love her, but it's got an asterisk by it.

It's kinda like that. I still love my job, just sometimes more than others!

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

“Lollapalooza 2009: Fans brave the elements for three days jam-packed with fantastic music.” – Concert Review.

(Grant Park, August 8-10, 2009)

By Julia Barr

There was a steady drizzle on Friday as the crowds poured through the entryway into Grant Park on August 8-10, but that didn’t stop the 75,000 fans that attended Lollapalooza. Fashion went by the wayside as people donned ponchos, garbage bags, and whatever else they could find to keep dry and take in the nonstop live music.



The Gaslight Anthem was the first show I saw. They played straight up rock heavily influenced by Bruce Springsteen; at times a little nostalgic, but fun to sing along with and jump around to. The crowd was really into it; and I even found myself in the middle of a mosh pit; albeit a pretty wimpy one. The Heartless Bastards caught my attention with catchy pop hooks and awesome raspy vocals. The frontwoman reminded me of Chrissie Hynde from the Pretenders. Ben Folds was a popular act, drawing a lot of people across the park. His piano playing was phenomenal, but his vocals kind of got on my nerves. He used a lot of profanity, and it didn’t seem to match with his music. The Fleet Foxes were another highlight, with folky melodies and four-part harmonies.

My favorite act of the day was definitely Of Montreal. With danceable, Beatlesque songs, full of smart and poetic lyrics, their set was like a psychedelic trip. There were people dressed in drag-like medieval maidens and strange creatures, a girl in a business suit doing the robot, and a man in a lion mask chasing everyone on the stage around. What amazed me the most was that the band just performed in the midst of all the chaos, like they didn’t even notice that it was going on. They covered David Bowie’s “Moonage Daydream” and then led into my favorite song of theirs, “Heimigdalsgate Like a Promethean Curse,” by which point there were people painted up like zombies surfing the crowd in blow up kiddie pools and the lead singer was spraying feathers into the crowd.

Nonstop entertaining!

On Saturday, the rain had stopped, and it was easier to walk around and check out all that Lollapalooza had to offer. I did some shopping in Green Street, an area where ecologically conscious fashion designers and artists sell their products, and found a dress with the Smurfs on it made from a recycled t-shirt. I walked through the shady coves where hammocks hung from every tree in case anyone needed a break, and got a falafel pita and a big piece of watermelon from the food area, where you could find anything from Chinese food to Chicago hot dogs.

The first show I saw was Thenewno2, fronted by George Harrison’s son, Dhanni Harrison. He rocked a pirate hat, and had a sexy Liverpool accent. The Living Things were the most political band there. The singer had an American flag draped around his shoulders, the drummer wore a shirt that said “Fight for Peace,” and a couple of their songs dealt with the issue of young boys being sent off to war. Their sound was pure punk, and they had the whole crowd waving peace signs in the air.

Rise Against played an energetic hardcore set with lots of screaming, and, being natives of Chicago, had a loyal fan base. The lead singer congratulated us for being out there in the heat and said, “The best shows are the sweatiest ones; when you come out with your shirt torn off and you’re missing a shoe!” TOOL was one of the headlining bands that night. People who like TOOL tend to be obsessed with the band; there were even four guys in the crowd who took off their shirts, wrote T-O-O-L on their chests, and went running through the crowd screaming the band’s name. I had never been that into them, but after seeing the band live, I could definitely see the appeal. Their music was satisfyingly heavy and hypnotic and the band appeared as silhouettes, in front of a screen with imagery that was artistic, if kind of creepy. I watched half of their set and then caught the last half of The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. Karen O seemed genuinely honored to be performing and played a lovely acoustic version of their hit song, “Maps.”



Sunday was oppressively hot, to the point where people were taking off as many clothes as possible and jumping in the big glowing fountain in the center of the park. Highlights from Sunday morning included Carney, whose epic sound reminded me of Led Zeppelin; Ra Ra Riot, upbeat orchestral sounding pop, with a stand-up bass and violin; and Bats for Lashes, whose haunting and industrial music featured two people on one synthesizer and a frontwoman with an amazing vocal range.

A huge crowd gathered in the shade to watch Cage the Elephant and sing along with their hit song, “Ain’t No Rest for the Wicked.” I heard part of Airborne Toxic Event’s set. Their song “Sometime around Midnight” was one of those classic break-up songs that sends shivers down your spine, but I did think it was a little weird that they ended the set with “Innocence,” a song about suicide, and probably the most depressing one on their album. Vampire Weekend was a big hit. Their preppy indie rock, with a slightly reggae feel, was the perfect thing to hear on a summer day. I lined up early to see Lou Reed, and was thrilled that he opened with “Sweet Jane,” because I think it’s possibly the best song ever written. He did a pretty obscure set with a few hits thrown in like “Waiting for the Man” and “Walk on the Wild Side.” It seemed like they were having some technical difficulties onstage, and Lou seemed kind of confused, forgetting his lyrics a couple of times, but the parts that were good were really good. It was a treat to see such an icon, since he doesn’t tour very often.

The real high point of the night though was The Killers. They opened with “Human,” an infectiously catchy song with a chorus of “Are we human, or are we dancers.” For as far back as I could see, every single person was up on their feet dancing. They played an even mix of songs off their new album and hits from their previous album, “Hot Fuss.” As I made my way to the other end of the park, the air was a buzz of people singing along with the refrain “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” from the Killers’ song, “All These Things I’ve done.” I got down to the opposite stage at the perfect time. As I sprinted past the techno music that was still blasting from the DJ stage, I got to the stage where Jane’s Addiction was playing, and heard Perry Farrell, the man behind the entire festival, say “We did it! Let’s celebrate!” and launch into “Jane Says,” their most well known tune. Then he introduced us to his kids, who were bopping around onstage, and said “Let’s get a round of applause for my boys.” He then handed over the microphone to a random guy who had climbed up on stage with his girlfriend. The guy asked her to marry him, in front of the whole crowd, and she gave the perfect response: “Are you fucking kidding me?!” followed by a big kiss.

There couldn’t have been a better way to end the festival. Everyone there was so nice, and determined to have a good time no matter what, and that, combined with a fantastic lineup and a well run festival, made it a weekend to remember.



BYLINE:

Julia Barr is a creative writing major at University of Iowa who is obsessed with music of almost all genres. Check out her Facebook or shoot her an e-mail at julia@zoiksonline.com.

“Too White Crew puts a new twist on old school rap.”

By Jason Tanamor

For those who used to kick it to old school rap, then you’re in for a treat. Too White Crew, a tribute band that does nothing but old school rap, took the time to chat it up with Zoiks! Online.



Q - Why did you decide to put this band together?

A - When I was in my rock band Common Ground, I was responsible for playing CDs in between our sets to keep the place jumpin.’ I would always play old school hip hop, which I grew up on and loved. I finally said to myself, ‘If I have to play old school hip hop to light up a dance floor, why not just play old school hip hop in the first place?’ After realizing that NO ONE on earth had ever actually performed old school hip hop live before, I knew right then and there I needed to be the first someday, especially since it was the music that I always listened to when I was a lower case G.

Q - Have the PC police given you any criticism for your name?

A - I think the name makes a lot of people scratch their head – especially for younger people who have never even heard of 2 Live Crew, but we’ve never actually had “criticism” for it. It’s probably a little goofy for how serious we are about being true to the music, but it does say who we are and what we cover. For the record, we are the Too White Crew, not the All White Crew. We’ve had African American MC’s, DJ’s, Fly Girls, etc. who all share the stage. We’re not the first to load a band name either. Remember the Average White Band?

Q - Your show seems very extravagant. How much time is devoted to the stage show versus the actual songs and performing of them?

A - Our stage show keeps getting more elaborate now that the music is done, but the music is definitely a distant first on the importance scale. The quality and authenticity of the choreography for the Fly Girls is also very important. The rest of the show kind of comes together as part of the party at hand.

Q - Are you guys primarily a tribute band or do/will you ever do original songs?

A - We’ve done a couple of original tunes, including a tune that we wrote for an A&E special on the Rock, Paper, Scissors league of America. We’ll do more, but there are soooo many great joints to cover still. I mean, we haven’t even touched on 2Pac yet.



Q - What’s your favorite song to perform and why?

A - I dig tunes like BBD’s “Poison” for the vibe, the mix of singing harmonies/rapping and for the musicality. Warren G’s “Regulate” always kills. I like whistling that hook too. Honestly though, I like doing almost every tune, because I know that no one in the room has probably ever heard a band cover the tunes we’re doing. I mean, who else is throwin’ down Paper Boy and Skee Lo? Yeah, I thought so.

Q - How has the reaction been to the band?

A - Occasionally we’ll see a true hip hop head in the crowd, arms crossed, not knowing what to make of us. But that’s about it. If we were fronting or tracking music, I think we’d rightfully get shelled, but there’s no denying we’ve done something that’s musically unprecedented. We’re humans trying to imitate computers in a world where most bands are tracking music and using computers to imitate humans. We’ve opened for the Digital Underground, Tone Loc, Rob Base & DJ EZ Rock. KRS ONE even called us once about coming to NYC to open for Hip Hop Appreciation Week. Gold chains, forties and crazy old school git-ups aside, close your eyes, the music’s dead on.

Q - What are you promoting?

A - Our merchandise. After six years together, we finally got around to selling TWC stuff, so that’s now at our shows. We also like to plug our MySpace page (www.myspace.com/toowhitecrew). I think a band’s MS page really tells the story – especially in the comments. I’ve seen bands with a gazillion friends but all the comments are “Thanks for the add,” from other bands or cyberdimes flossing their best “Maxim” pose. We don’t use a bot to get our friends, so the comments are mostly from people who saw a show. That’s when you know you’re doing something that people dig.

Q - Anything you wanted to add?

A - Yeah. We throw an old school party. The sights, the sounds, the moves, the drinks, the git-ups, the vibe – all from the era when hip hop preached peace and humptiness. From there hip hop kinda sunk. It got real nasty, violent, self absorbed and sent a bad message. Yeah, we cover a few tunes that aren’t exactly heartwarming, but we keep the vibe positive. I can’t wait to see current artists move away the incessant flow about rims, ‘sclades and the wonders of how she got in them jeans. If I might quote Montell Jordan, “Let’s flip the track, bring the old schooool back.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Pedal to the Metal Tour - Mudvayne and Black Label Society.” – Concert Review.

(iWireless Center, August 7th, 2009)

By Bob Zerull

Ever since the Jesus freak secretary at my place of employment told me that Mudvayne and Black Label Society were playing at the iWireless Center in Moline, IL, I was pumped. With Mudvayne, and its brand of math rock, and Black Label Society, led by one of the greatest guitar players of all time, Zakk Wylde, it was sure to be an exciting night.



I arrived at the show a little late and missed opening acts Bury Your Dead and Suicide Silence. I got there just in time for Static X to take the stage. Static X, in a very ballsy move, opened up with the band’s one hit “Push It.” I loved this move. They were practically daring you to go grab a beer or use the restroom. It showed a ton of confidence on their part. To Static X’s credit not many people left the show. Front man Wayne Static and company kept the energy high and the music heavy playing their self proclaimed evil disco music. The best way I could describe Static X and their evil disco genre is a mixture of System of a Down and Rob Zombie.

After Static X left the stage a giant banner with the Black Label Society logo and colors went up in front of the stage. Once the BLS stage was setup and ready to go the lights went down and Patsy Cline’s “Crazy” came blasting through the arena. Then the Black Label sirens went off. The opening riffs to “Black Mass Reverends” started and the giant banner in front of the stage fell and the show began.

I am a huge Zakk Wylde fan it is hard for me to say I was disappointed, but I kind of was. The band’s set was way too short and the sound seemed off, of course Zakk’s extended mid set solo made it all worth it. That guy has chops I don’t think I’ve ever seen. Unfortunately Zakk kept referring to Moline, IL as Iowa, but it is right on the border, so I suppose I can let that pass.

Up next was Mudvayne. Mudvayne opened its set with “Not Falling,” off of the band’s second album, “All Things to Come.” Lead singer Chad Gray came out in what appeared to be a bear suit only he wasn’t wearing the head and instead was supporting a white Mohawk. As I sat in the 19th row of the lower bowl watching the crowd I feel that I’m being accurate when I say I thought I was witnessing the most violent mosh pit that I’ve ever seen. There were always at least two pits going, but most of the time there were three to four. I’ve always described Mudvayne as a heavier combination of Tool and Slipknot.



Mudvayne ripped through its set. The band sounded great, but much like Black Label Society, the set was too short. I would have liked to hear “Determine” or “Forget to Remember” off of the “Lost and Found” album. Overall, the experience was enjoyable, but this show reminded me of why I usually stay away from festivals such as Ozzfest, because the bands just don’t get to play long enough.

The Good: The energy was as high as it could have been and the bands were as heavy as they could have been. Both Mudvayne and Black Label Society are full of virtuoso talent, specifically Zakk Wylde.

The Bad: The sets were too short, the arena was next to empty and sound system wasn’t perfect, but all in all I enjoyed the show. The biggest complaint I have is that these amazing bands couldn’t play longer.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com.

“Laziness - It could be hereditary.”

By Jason Tanamor

Laziness, as defined in the dictionary is, having an aversion to work or effort.

When I was growing up, one of the first things my mother ever told me was, “Before you can go out, you must clean up your room, finish your homework and do the chores we’ve assigned you.” After those obstacles were completed, I, along with all my friends from the neighborhood, ran frantically around the city playing baseball in the park, two hand touch football in the streets, all of this and more until the street lights came on. Then it was sprint home as fast as I could for dinner. That was almost twenty years ago.



Today, as an adult with a 14 year old child, I tell my son the same thing. The only problem is, he doesn’t go outside. He stays in his room and turns on the video game machine/computer. A machine that has games such as baseball, basketball and football. It even has a game called Tony Hawk’s Underground, where these real life athletes are pixilized to do skateboard and X game stunts they’ve worked on for years in real life.

I remember telling my son one time, “Ryan, why don’t you and your cousin go outside and play baseball with the other kids.” His reply was, “Can they come in here and play with us?”

When I heard this I thought, am I not doing my part as a father? Is he just lazy? Or, is there something more here?

I called my dad and he said, “There’s something more.” I was surprised. No, I was shocked.

My last name, which is Tanamor, was apparently shortened when my parents came to the United States from the Philippines. My actual surname is Tanamore, with a tilde on the ‘n’ and an accent over the ‘e’. I can’t show it to you because there are no keys on my keyboard to demonstrate.

When my father was looking for jobs, he would type out Tanamore and then manually fill in the tilde and accent with a pen. He did this until he found a job. But he didn’t find one right away. After being rejected by numerous companies, he dropped the tilde and accent, leaving it as Tanamore.



But he didn’t stop there. People would come up to him and ask if his last name was pronounced, Tanamore, with the ‘e’ sounding like an ‘A’ (tan uh more ay). Unfortunately, my father didn’t have a Teleprompter with him so he couldn’t show people. He would respond by saying, “No, it’s Tanamore (tan uh more).”

People would nod and my father would move on. This would occur more often than not, further decreasing my father’s ability to land a job because he was always stuck correcting the pronunciation.

When he returned home, he looked at his resume and decided to drop the ‘e’ from Tanamore, making it Tanamor (tan uh more). After I heard this story, I realized something.

What I realized was, my father didn’t drop the tilde, accent and letter ‘e’ to Americanize our last name, rather it was because my father was lazy. He had an aversion to work or effort, according to the definition in the dictionary. We were Americanized due to laziness.

That explains my son. To avoid putting the blame on myself as a parent, I chalk it up as being hereditary.

But what I’m afraid of is, with my father dropping letters and symbols from our surname, eventually it may continue, and pretty soon my name will go from Jason Tanamor to Jason T. If I have grandchildren, their last name may go from T. to some sort of weird symbol such as @ or *. Kind of like ‘The Artist known as Prince’ did when he went to the symbol. His grandfather’s name was probably ‘The Artist who works the corner of Fourth and Main just to make ends meet Prince,’ which eventually was shortened to ‘The Artist working two part time jobs Prince,’ down to ‘The Artist known as Prince.’ By the 1980s, he became just Prince. In the 1990s, he changed to ‘The Artist’ and then to the symbol.

So if your son appears to be lazy, look into your family tree to see if there were family members with names as long as proverbs. It may just be hereditary.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Bill Engvall is a “Blue Collar” comedian.”

By Jason Tanamor

If you like the comedy stylings of Bill Engvall, Jeff Foxworthy, Ron White, and Larry the Cable Guy, you might be a redneck. And that’s OK, because according to Bill Engvall, he covers material that everyone can relate to. “I do stuff that grown ups, teens, any age group can get into. People always ask me what rating my show is and I tell them it’s PG-13,” Engvall said.



The material, geared mostly toward hard-working, blue collar people, has been highlighted in the popular Blue Collar Comedy Tour and now the TV series, “Blue Collar TV.” But that doesn’t mean it’s strictly for one demographic. “We can get any demographic. We have fans of all races. The only time I would say an audience didn’t ‘get it’ was in Boston, but in the end they loved us,” said Engvall. “Foxworthy always says there are rednecks 20 minutes outside any big city.”

Engvall, who started his stand-up career in Dallas, Texas, at the Dallas Comedy Corner, knew he wanted to be a comedian since his days in grade school, third grade to be exact. “We were doing the play Clementine, which for those of you may not know was a western. I had always wanted to be a cowboy but because my voice was still too high, combined with the fact that I was a bit scrawny, I was forced to play the role of Clementine,” said Engvall. “Yes, in third grade I was wearing a dress and singing the theme song. So, it was either become a cast member of “La Cage” as a female impersonator or become a comic. Obviously, I chose the latter, much to the delight of my parents.”

And much to the delight of his fans, Engvall is still entertaining audiences across the country. However, if it wasn’t for the Blue Collar Tour, much of his audience would have never known who he was. “Jeff (Foxworthy) and I have known each other for years, we have the same manager. We were joking about our careers and how we were going to ‘go out’ doing car shows,” said Engvall. “Then we started thinking about it, we do each other’s audiences, so our manager suggested getting two more guys together. I knew Ron White from open mikes back when I was doing clubs. Jeff knew Larry (the Cable Guy) from doing stand-up. I’ve never met Larry but I had heard of him.”



Now, the Blue Collar Comedy Tour, which was originally supposed to have ten dates, has expanded into a gajillion year tour. And thank goodness for that, because Engvall, at one time, believed he reached his pinnacle in comedy. “Once, back in ‘95, I was as high as I could get in the club circuit. Then I signed with Jeff’s manager, saw what he was doing and did much of the same. Then I released an album and everything took off. I still can’t believe it. Now I’m doing TV,” said Engvall.

Although TV is nice for Engvall, it’s not what he’s been striving for. “I like doing TV because I’m home. But I love doing stand-up, the response is instant, you know if you’re funny or not,” Engvall said. “When I first started, I didn’t know I could make a living doing stand-up. I used to emcee in Dallas, back when Seinfeld and Shandling were doing what I’m doing now. I learned from them, things started clicking and then I got on the Tonight Show and Letterman. Before, stand-up was just a cool hobby, I dropped out of college, something I regret. Even though I probably wouldn’t have used my diploma I still wished I had gotten it.”

Not bad for a man who, before stand-up, wasn’t really doing anything. “I was spinning records in night clubs, pretty much bouncing around between what I call 20-year-old something jobs,” Engvall said.

Having achieved all this success, the greatest reward for Engvall is knowing he worked his tail off entertaining people. “I want people to say, ‘He made me laugh. He was a nice guy and we had fun.’ Whenever my name comes up I want it to bring a smile to a person’ face,” Engvall said.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."

“Rock out with your **** out.”

By Bry Schulz

As most people know a rock show is not just a chance to listen to live music. It's a chance to let loose. You can act a fool when you maybe wouldn't normally. You see chicks dressed in stripped knee high stockings that probably go to their day job as a kindergarten teacher the next day.



What's normal during the day might be real goofy looking at night. Besides the chance to dress funny there's also the dancing, if you're so inclined. At a recent rock show I started to realize there's a few dance moves you'll see at any live show. Whether you’re jamming out to TOOL or Hot Hot Heat these are some moves you’re likely to witness, and in some cases, participate in.

1. The Jumpy Jump - This is a move you can't do unless the song really calls for it. It has to have a consistent beat. You'll see many people doing the jumpy jump at the same time. Well, except that one drunken guy who can't find the beat and is jumping up as everyone else in the crowd is going down. But this is just a simple up and down jump that you do to the beat. I'm guilty of participating in the jumpy-jump. However, the concert with the most jumpy-jump would probably be Smash Mouth or something like that, and I've never been to see Smash Mouth. But I can imagine.

2. Air Musician - any instrument is fair game for the finest of air musicians. You will see the electric guitar air musicians who really reach up and down to strum their guitar (steer clear or you could catch an elbow in the eye). There's the acoustic guitar, which is different from the electric, because the strumming of the instrument is more controlled and this you will see at a DMB show. Usually accompanied by a twisty move left to right of the upper body, along with the left arm up and the right hand could be quickly plucking the air strings. The air drums is one of my favorite moves to see because it's usually the most rhythm-less who dream of playing the drums. So they will be crossing to hit invisible drums at very inappropriate times. The air keyboard is a good one that you see at Nine Inch Nails shows because they use so many keyboards. But the execution is tricky because you could end up looking too Ray Charles if you have had too many Red Bull and vodkas. And if you see the air record scratch it's a special moment, cherish it. It's elusive like the Whale Shark.

3. MOSH - everyone knows the mosh. But with in the mosh there are several sub-techniques.

A) The I Don't Want To: my favorite. Because it's when some poor little dude gets too close to the ring around the mosh and is just shoved into the pit. The fear you see from this guy is sad and hysterical and kind of scary at the same time. Usually accompanied by the windmill arms, I'm guessing the thinking behind this move is that people will get out of the way of your crazy flailing arms. But you're in a mosh pit. Crazy bald man cometh whether you windmill your arms or not.

B) The Fighting Irish: This is a stompy move that involves picking up your feet as high as you can and walking around like you are walking in tall grass. Also accompanied by flappy arm moves that make you look like the Fighting Irish guy + a Daniel Son crane kick move. This guy usually gets propelled out when the 'I Don't Want To' guy comes flying in.

C) I'm Kicking Some Ass Tonight Guy: He just loves that he gets to have a cover up for his usually irrational bar fighting. This guy just walks up to any other guy and flat out punches him. This guy sucks and usually becomes a bowling pin of sorts to the ‘I Don't Want To’ guy who plays the part of the bowling ball. The normal sane moshers are now banded together in this game and it's funny to watch.

D) AHHHHHH - This guy just runs in and screams and then runs out. Literally. He's too drunk to know. He will be punched the most by 'I'm Kicking Some Ass Tonight Guy.'



E) Galloping Guy - This guy sort of gallops in while covering his chest with his arms, as if crossing his chest with his arms is going to keep him from getting the wind knocked out of him. But hey, why not take precautions when entering a pit of raging men. He's trying to be manly and just shove people but he ends up running into his many other followers. The pits majority is made up of Galloping Guy. Just galloping around and shoulder checking each other or doing an awkward chest slam.

F) Crazy Bald Man - there's one at every show. He comes in, stands in the center of the pit, dodges ‘I don't Want To,’ ‘Fighting Irish,’ ‘I'm Kicking Some Ass Tonight Guy,’ ‘AHHHHH,’ and ‘Galloping Guy.’ His soul purpose is to just PUSH people. He just stands in the center and pushes everyone into everyone else. Without him the mosh wouldn't have the same movement and flow as it does. He's pretty much the only person ‘I'm Kicking Some Ass Tonight’ guy won't punch, and trust me, he doesn't want to punch him either.

4. Too Many Drugs (TMD) - This person is the most annoying of the concert goers. TMD thinks they are flowing with the music like a willow tree and that their movement is beautiful and interpretive. They usually pretend to have some invisible ball and they do crazy body roll movements and get in the way of the general admission people who just want to stand as close as possible to the stage without being fucked with. Eventually TMD gets pushed into a wall or bathroom and comes down and you see him/her passed out in the corner on your way out of the show. Hey, at least when they get to their car there isn't traffic. Always look at the positives I say.

5. No No No - this move is fun to see. Imagine someone bent over as if to pick something off the ground and is just shaking their head left to right as if to say, “No, floor, I'm not gonna.” A lot of times this move is joined with the air electric guitar. The good news here is that they are standing in one spot so the annoyance level is low for people who are around a No No No dance mover. I'm not sure why this move is popular but maybe it helps you rock out in a way that says, 'I'm a troubled person, who can't stop rockin’.’

6. HORNS - I'm guilty. I have to admit this is a move I've done at least once at every rock show. Or almost every show. This is where you throw the horn hand move up in the air. You can do the double horn, two hand move too. I do this a lot when I think the lead singer is looking in my direction. I don't know that the one thing I want them to think about me is, “that girl over there is a dork, and she gave me the horns.” But I'm in the moment. I will say that if you are doing horns you can't half ass it! Some people don't commit to their horns and they have bent fingers. If you're giving horns, GIVE EM'! But this is a dumb thing to do so keep it to a minimum, OK! Too many horns can be like staring at a strobe light for too long. Your eyes start to water and burn.

7. The Bendy - This is where you bend forward and backward. It's like a head bang using your whole upper body. The head bang will not be on this list, FYI, because it's nearly extinct. So this is the move I do. I claim this move. I do the Bendy. I like to rock it back and forth. Throw in an air electric guitar and a jumpy-jump every once in a while. Add a horn move once and you've got my standard concert dance. The good thing about the Bendy is that you can rock out hard or slow and still feel like you are the least stupid looking person at the show. Most people subscribe to the Bendy. You can do the Bendy a bit incognito if you aren't comfortable letting out your rockin'. You can go crazy with the Bendy and move around if you have had a few cocktails. The Bendy is pretty much your typical dance move.

8. The Stomp - I also do this one. This is where you basically just stomp your feet. Mostly one at a time. You can go left foot for a while, then when that foot hurts you can move to the right foot. This move looks very silly so it usually comes late in the show when you no longer care what people think of your moves. This is a toned down version of the 'Fighting Irish' move listed under MOSH.

I'd say that pretty much covers most of the moves you see at a rock show. There could certainly be more and I'm sorry I haven't listed them. People watching is a big plus to going to see a live rock show. There is never a shortage of crazies to keep you entertained between set changes. Or when you can't stand the opener and just want to stand in the hallway sipping your beer, and smoking if you do. Then you can watch more nut jobs with your concert goer friend. All in all, there are not many things as entertaining as a rock show. If you have the means I highly recommend attending one. At least one.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“Scott Dunn wants to give you a history lesson.”

By Jason Tanamor

Every morning I tune into the syndicated radio program Bob & Tom. Check your local station index to see if you get it. If so, I highly recommend listening to them if you are a fan of stand-up comedy. Each Monday, comedian Scott Dunn gives a history lesson. Dunn recently took the time to educate us.



Q – Real quick, when and where did you start doing stand-up?

A - I took a stand-up course in Indianapolis the summer I graduated from college in 1993. I probably got on stage twice. Then I was moved to western New York for my job. I intentionally lived in a town between Buffalo and Rochester, so I could open mike in both towns. I would also drive two hours every Sunday night to Syracuse to do an open mike there.

Q – Was there a specific moment that made you decide, “I’m going to do stand-up comedy?”

A - Nothing specific. I can't remember not ever wanting to do it. When I was 7 or 8, I would listen to Steve Martin 8 tracks, over and over. I didn't get most of the jokes, but I loved hearing him talk and the audience laugh. By the time I was in high school I was keeping a notebook with stand-up jokes I was writing. I also juggled and did magic in high school where I made my act as funny as I could.

Q – Most people know you from the segment on Bob & Tom called “History Lesson.” How did you come up with this so called history lesson type bit?

A - I was a huge Bob & Tom fan starting in college. A friend of mine would get their CDs every year and we would listen to them over and over. So being when I finally got to be on the show it was a really big deal to me and I wanted to make one of their albums and have a reoccurring bit. I can't play an instrument or sing. But what I knew I was good at was writing roast jokes. So I started roasting historical figures and holidays. The first Thanksgiving for Thanksgiving. The Roast of Frankenstein for Halloween. For President's Day I had the roast of George Washington and also Abraham Lincoln's wake.

After I did an album of those, Tom asked me to start doing a weekly history segment. He said he didn't expect a roast every week. And the History Lesson and Quiz were born.

Q – The bits have extensive facts about various history events. Do you pick topics based on what you already know or what you want to learn about?

A - I don't have a history background. I was an Agriculture major at Purdue. The only history class I ever took was mandatory in high school. So I don't know anymore than anybody else when I start. My favorite method of picking a subject is to look at what's going on in the news and then find a relatively similar subject from history. Like when McCain announced Sarah Palin as his running mate, I did a piece on Geraldine Ferraro's vice presidential campaign. Recently North Korea has been testing missiles. So I did a piece on the Korean War.

Sometimes you just stumble into something interesting researching something else. I was doing a piece on Thomas Edison. Just in general, all the things he invented. While doing that, I stumbled across this really interesting piece on the "War of the Currents." Edison had patented direct current. George Westinghouse had bought the rights to Nikola Tesla's alternating current system. And the two waged about a ten year propaganda war on which current should power America. Edison would film animals being electrocuted with alternating current to prove it was unsafe. It's also how the electric chair came into being.

Q – How much time do you take to write and research a history lesson?

A - All week. It takes me probably two days to research and put it in a rough draft that tells the story of the subject in about five or six paragraphs. Then the rest of the week is spent writing jokes for those facts as well as writing the quiz. I usually write 15 to 20 quiz questions to come up with the four best jokes. Each week it is 10 - 15 jokes for the piece. But it's tricky because they have to be specific jokes to match historical facts. If I was doing a monologue per say, there would be a few news items you would have to cover. Like the South Carolina governor going to Argentina. But those would be easier because people would be excited about them for the moment. But beyond that, you could take the funniest jokes from whatever random news stories you found.

With what I do, I have to hit a specific point. In other words, I have to force a joke out of a specific fact. If I am doing the Korean War, I can't skip the fact that Truman fired MacArthur just because I couldn't think of a joke. That fact has to be in the piece. So that process takes longer.



Q – I haven’t actually had the chance to see you live. Describe your act for those who have yet to see you.

A - The first half I do jokes about my life and family. A lot of stuff on my wife because she is a unique person. She makes me go on parasite cleansing diets and she breast feeds are children way past two years of age.

The second half I do a history quiz and then I do a "History of America" power point. Essentially my best jokes from my Bob & Tom segment with photos.

Q – You published a couple novels and have written for various TV shows. Do you enjoy the writing part of jokes more so than the telling part of jokes?

A - I like writing the jokes best. I don't feel more pride for example, when I write a joke that's funny for my own act than when I write a joke for someone else on a television show and it gets a laugh. The joke I wrote getting the laugh is the joy for me. Not the attention I receive from telling it.

What I like about performing is being able to perform my vision. When you write for a television show, your job is to contribute to someone else's vision. So sometimes it ends up being what you think is the funniest, but sometimes it doesn't. As the performer you have the power to control what is presented.

Q – One of the novels is called, “The Big Cookie.” What’s it about and how did the idea to write it come about?

A - I wrote that in my early twenties. I basically came up with the idea to write it in a dream. I woke up in the middle of the night and just started typing. It tells the story of two friends from college. And it's essentially one short story from each year of their lives starting as freshman and going for seven years. The object was to make any one of the seven stories an entertaining read on their own. But to also work together as a novel. Kind of like a sitcom that has a story line throughout the entire season.

Q – How different is the process of writing a novel versus writing stand-up material? I mean, do you use a different approach for each venue?

A - It's a completely different thing. With a novel you want it to be more organically funny. Kind of like the movie "The Big Lewboski." That is the funniest movie in the world to me. But I can't necessarily point to any specific jokes. Its flawed characters getting into odd situations and funny things happening. That's the heart of a funny novel. The funny dialogue is only enjoyable when you have the characters and situations right. Otherwise to me, it's just an irritating person trying too hard to be witty.

With stand-up it's basically an irritating person trying too hard to be witty. Not exactly, but it's quicker. Feed them a premise and then drop a punch line on them. If you got three laughs in 15 minutes in stand-up you would suck. If someone laughed three times while reading 10 pages, the book would be funny.

Q – Can you give me a quick history lesson on bananas?

A - Not without doing the research. So if a huge banana scandal takes place tune into Bob & Tom and I will probably be doing a piece on the history of banana plantations or whatever. Until then, you'll just have to enjoy them for the potassium and wonder.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."