"12 Comics Who Aren’t Funny – 'Newsweek' got it wrong."

By Jason Tanamor

Seriously. Does “Newsweek” know what it’s talking about? In a story titled, “12 Comics Who Aren’t Funny,” it features 12 comedians who aren’t, you guessed it, funny.



However, these are all obvious picks, save for Jay Leno who has the hardest job in television. Anyone can guess the top unfunny comics as being Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Carrot Top, Pauly Shore and Gallagher.



But Howie Mandel, Jay Leno and Andrew Dice Clay? These guys made a big impact on stand-up. No one could have done the “Tonight Show” like Leno did. Look at it now. Conan’s awful. Can we add him to the list? And where the hell are Adam Sandler, Robin Williams, Norm MacDonald and Jon Stewart? Just because they’re successful actors, didn’t mean they were great comedians.

The only thing “Newsweek” got right was Dane Cook, Carlos Mencia, Carrot Top, Pauly Shore and Gallagher. But even not being funny can get you fame and money, not to mention a successful career.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Very important facts to consider about vampire urination in 'Twilight.'"

By Sean Leary

Do vampires poop?

Pee?

I was thinking about this while watching the “Twilight” movie for the umpteenth time and encountering the scene where the vampires invite Bella over for dinner, making a big deal out of the fact that they don't eat food but they're trying to cook for her, etc.



(Here's the part of that scene that really doesn't make sense: They act as though they've never cooked before even though they haven't been vampires all their lives, so at some point they must have known how to cook real food, which I also assume wouldn't be a skill you would forget, despite all the time passed.

Anyway, a minor quibble considering how masterfully Stephenie Meyer tells her story, so, moving on...

They're on a liquid diet. They say they don't sleep. Do they have other bodily functions? You would think they would, since the blood they're taking in is hardly pure, so they'd have to expunge their bodies of the waste products said blood carries. Ergo, they would have to emit some sort of waste, whether urine or feces.



I would guess at the very least all they do is pee, since they're on a liquid diet, and have been for a while. So, another really important question: Is the pee red? And if so, wouldn't that be really difficult to clean out of porcelain toilets? You'd have to clean it all the time to avoid staining.

Hmm.

And say that the vampires are lazy or don't feel like cleaning it. Do they invite a cleaning service over? And if so, do they have to tell the cleaning people, since it would be pretty strange for cleaning people to be constantly coming over to clean blood out of a toilet, or are the cleaning people vampires too? And if they're not vampires, do they have to sign a contract with the cleaning service that says they won't eat their employees? These are all incredibly vital issues that need to be considered. And I sure hope Stephenie Meyer answers all of these integral questions if and when she puts out another “Twilight” book.

Don't you?



BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.

"Tiger Woods should say something and not nothing."

By Jason Tanamor

Here’s what we know so far: Tiger Woods got into an accident where he crashed his SUV into a tree. It was 2:30 AM Friday morning and there was an alleged story about Woods and a woman named Rachel Uchitel.



The web stories have Tiger Woods and his wife getting into a fight after she found out about the other woman. She put the marks on Woods’ face, and as he was fleeing the scene, she smashed out the back windshield of his SUV causing him to lose control. Thus, hitting a tree.

OK.



What if, though, Woods was going to a Black Friday sale because his golf clubs weren’t working, the reason why he didn’t win a Major this season? He and his wife fought over the fact his clubs were fine, with Woods saying they’re good clubs. Woods’ wife said, “They’re not,” picked up his iron and smashed out his windshield. Woods said, “WTF?” Then to one up her, because he is competitive, Woods crashed the car into a tree. She didn’t want to lose so she called 911 and got the press involved. Now, Woods isn’t talking because looking back at it, realizes this was ridiculous to do and that it’s not the club, rather, it’s the golfer himself for not winning a Major.

Some advice for Woods, come out and say something. Even if it’s something as ridiculous as: “We were just playing.”

Please, please, let this story go away.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"The 'Twilight' abstinence theme is stupid."

By Bob Zerull

I’ve kind of kept my mouth shut over the past few months in regards to “Twilight.” This article isn’t so much about my hatred for “Twilight” as it is a response to a story I saw on CNN.com. The article was titled “No sex please, we’re vampires.”



The point the article was trying to make was that “Twilight” is popular because “sexual abstinence is central to the film’s appeal.” I think that is stupid. I have seen the first “Twilight” film, but I haven’t read any of the books, so I won’t pretend to be an expert. That said, my wife loves “Twilight” and has read all the books and seen the movies so far. She has retold me all the stories, so I kind of get the gist of it. I’ve heard from not only my wife, but other fans of the book along with online publications wondering how they could possibly make the fourth film and maintain a PG-13 rating, because all they do is have sex; however, from what I understand they are married. I refuse to believe that sexual abstinence is why “Twilight” is so popular. It may be the central theme, but it’s not the center to the film’s appeal.

I believe that some group of people (supporters of abstinence as the only true form of birth control) is trying to ride the coat tails of “Twilight’s” popularity. By saying that the reason “Twilight” is so popular is because of abstinence, Hollywood now has to decide how to go about making the fourth installment. I was actually looking forward to the fourth film because, let’s face it, Kristen Stewart isn’t ugly and I’m your stereotypical guy.



I hate “Twilight” and I hate that it’s popular. I hate “Twilight” because it’s a story that shouldn’t exist. The way it ends makes the beginning unbelievable/unnecessary. Let me explain. In the first three stories Edward won’t turn Bella into a vampire. He loves and cares for her so much that he won’t. In the fourth he bites her and makes her a vampire.

Why not do that right away? I can only assume that this is supposed to symbolize abstinence, being that he waits until they’re married. I think it’s stupid to symbolize abstinence while you’re actually showing them being abstinent. That would be like X-Men showing someone who’s handicapped being discriminated against while separately being discriminated against for being a mutant. It’s just stupid.

There was no reason not to turn her into a vampire, she wants you to, she loves you, and you love her. Then the rest of us wouldn’t have had to sit through/hear about “Twilight.” Fans of “Twilight” are not fans because of the abstinence theme. They’re fans because they lust over Edward. My wife has said multiple times that it didn’t matter who played Edward she was going to find whoever it was hot. I happen to agree with her. So let it be known, I think lust is the real reason for “Twilight’s” popularity not abstinence. Thanks for allowing me to get that off my chest.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"The real reason behind Tiger Woods’ car accident."

By Jason Tanamor

Tiger Woods’ one car accident early Friday morning has hit the news wires non-stop since it happened. In an article at People.com titled, “Questions Surround Tiger Woods's Accident,” Woods’ SUV apparently hit a fire hydrant and a tree just feet from his home. The article asked, “Where was he going at that hour?”



The answer? Who cares?

The People.com story also said, “The accident came two days after the ‘National Enquirer’ published a story alleging that Woods had been seeing another woman. The report alleged that he was even recently with the New York night club hostess, Rachel Uchitel, in Melbourne, where Woods competed in the Australian Masters.”

Does the story suggest he was going to see his mistress? Or did Woods’ wife find out and after a domestic argument, Woods jumped into his car and drove out of his driveway and got into an accident?

Who knows? One can only speculate. However, based on the career and spotlight Tiger has been in since he was a teenager, I don’t believe it was either of those reasons. For more than 10 years, Woods has been able to stay out of the media spotlight. That’s hard to do with his celebrity power.



So, this is what I think happened.

Tiger Woods is the best golfer in the world. Although he is the greatest to ever play the game, he’s not perfect. His driving accuracy was only 64.29%, according to PGATour.com, tied for number 86 in 2009.

So, why is anyone surprised that Tiger Woods got into a one car accident while he was DRIVING? C’mon, he pulled out of his driveway and hit a fire hydrant and tree near his neighbor’s house. That’s like Woods shanking a ball into the woods. How many times have you seen that before? Woods’ drives ended up in the trees and were so bad at one point, he should’ve changed his name to Tiger Fairway. Maybe he would’ve had better luck.

If Tiger Woods got into this one accident as a result of his driving, then that’s a great percentage, over 95%. He needs to translate that percentage onto the golf course. Now, if Woods drove into a tree 36% of the time, then this wouldn’t even be a story. He’d just have to call his driving instructor to work on his steering.

Let’s give Woods the benefit of the doubt since he’s been a model citizen. Until the facts come out, let’s stay out of his life.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Yvonne Arias loses her 'Scrubs' for 'Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight.'"

By Jason Tanamor

If you happen to know Woody Allen, please have him contact actress Yvonne Arias. If you happen to know Yvonne Arias, then you know her from her role on “Scrubs” and as the star of “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight.” For those who haven’t heard of the up and coming actress, you will soon. That’s because, Arias is making her mark one show at a time. The actress recently stopped by to talk with Zoiks! Online.



Q – You star as Maya Young in “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight.” How did you get involved with this project?

A - I went to a few auditions and was thrilled when I got the part. During casting, we didn't know the show was called "Kamen Rider Dragon Knight." They wanted to keep the news under wraps for as long as possible so, at the time, the show was being called "Ventara County."

Q – I’ll be honest with you. I’ve never heard of “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight.” What was your background with the show?

A - You and a lot of other people!!! After I started to do some research I realized what a huge franchise “Kamen Rider” is and I feel pretty lucky to be a part of it.

Q – How do you prepare for a role that is essentially geared toward kids when your background in TV is targeted to adults such as “Scrubs,” “ER,” and “Passions?”

A - I have a good amount of acting training, so that helps when deciding how I want to portray a role, but beyond that, I have a couple of really amazing teachers that help me out. For this role, since Maya's a paranormal reporter, I did a lot of research on my own about the paranormal world. It was really cool and interesting to learn about.

Q – I read, before acting, you wanted to be a TV journalist. Maya Young on “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight,” is a reporter. Is this sort of a dream come true for you?

A - Not only was I interested in being a journalist, but I always wanted to work on a superhero project so it was even better!

Q - How did you get into acting?

A - Kicking and screaming!!! No, not that extreme, but it definitely wasn't an aspiration of mine. I was certain I wanted to be a TV journalist/host and through that process, got a commercial agent. I did really well and they pressed me for months to take some acting classes. I finally gave in and fell in love with it.



(Photo courtesy of Yvonne Arias)

Q – Is there a different atmosphere working on a Saturday morning show versus a primetime sitcom or drama?

A - It depends a lot on the people you're working with. Also, if it's a heavy drama, there's definitely not a lot of room to mess around and you probably wouldn't be in the mood for that, but on shows like “Scrubs” and “Kamen Rider,” we had a bit more room to joke around.

Q – I noticed on the “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight,” website you’re listed as Aria Alistar. Is one of them your real name or did I miss something completely?

A - No, Aria Alistar is a stage name. It was an experiment, a fun one I might add. If you break down Alistar, it spells A-List Star. Isn't that cool?!

Q – I first heard about you from your role as Nurse Martinez on “Scrubs.” Although you had a small role in the series, the show is like mega gynormous. What did being on this show do for your career?

A - A show like this definitely helps your career. The first time I was on, I was a bit nervous to meet Zach Braff. I had just seen “Garden State” and I loved it. It's still one of my favorite movies so of course I had a bit of jitters when I met him. He and the rest of the cast were super nice and welcoming. Had a lot of fun.

Q – I heard that you were a huge Woody Allen film. What type of project would you like to do with him?

A - I AM A HUMONGOUS WOODY ALLEN FAN!!! That's my acting dream! I would love to work on any of his upcoming projects. Do you think he watches “Kamen Rider?” Seriously, my preference would be a comedy, but really, it doesn't matter.

Q – Have you ever met Woody Allen?

A - Not yet.

Q – What are you working on now or what do you have coming up?

A - Right now, a comedy pilot and a new thriller film. We'll see...

Q – Anything you wanted to add?

A - Please visit my Facebook and Twitter page. Also, I'd like to spread the word that a “Kamen Rider: Dragon Knight” video game will be launched at the end of this month/early December.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Adam Lambert - why is this news?”

By Bob Zerull

I don’t watch music award shows anymore. They don’t recognize the genre of music that I like and they spend way too much time on genres that I am not all that fond of like country and hip hop. However, when I showed up for work last Monday all anybody could talk about was the Adam Lambert kiss at the American Music Awards and how disgusting it was. Sure enough, CNN and Fox News had it all over their entertainment section. Almost a week later and it’s one of the top stories at Google News.



My wife watches “American Idol” which means I either watch it or do something else. Who am I kidding? I watch it. Needless to say I was a fan of Adam Lambert on the show. Didn’t matter if he was gay, straight or both, if you can perform, you can perform, end of story. However, once “American Idol” was over, I knew that I wouldn’t pay attention to Lambert ever again. And then this happened.

So what happened? I didn’t see the performance, but from what I understand, he dragged a female dancer around by her ankles, had a dancer simulate oral sex on him and he kissed his male keyboard player. Who cares? If it were Motley Crue performing and they had women making out on stage and dancers simulating oral sex do you think it would have been a big deal? When Aerosmith won the lifetime achievement award at the American Music Awards earlier this decade, they wanted to censor the “Livin’ on the Edge” video where Tyler is naked holding himself. You know how they censored it? They put a picture of Tyler’s face putting a hot dog in his mouth on top of his private area, and we never heard a word about that.

Unfortunately, there’s a double standard. If it were Will Ferrell up there kissing Sacha Baron Cohen everybody would just think it’s funny. The fact that an openly gay guy kissed another guy makes it the most horrible thing ever. It really is a shame that we’re offended by this as a society. I don’t even understand why a celebrity coming out of the closet is news. Why do they even have to? Why do we care? Clay Aiken has come out of the closet, so who cares? That’s the equivalent of Michael Jordan announcing that he is black. Who cares?



For argument sake let’s just say it is wrong to be homosexual. I personally don’t believe that, but for my next point, let’s just say it is. Why are you even talking about this? Remember Marilyn Manson, or Eminem? Remember how offended everybody got by them? People were so offended that they’d protest outside of Manson and Eminem's concerts and go on TV and radio and protest their music, etc etc etc. Guess what, the two artists became larger than life because those that hated them wouldn’t shut up. Those offended by Adam Lambert’s performance are just giving him more and more attention. While they’re out there trying to hurt his feelings he’s gaining tons of fans because they’re curious to see what he’ll do next.

A word of advice, stop being so sheltered and close minded and if you have to be that way at least shut up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Even if you believe it is a sin to be homosexual, what’s the point in discriminating against them? Now you’re sinning too. If there is a God and those wacky beliefs turn out to be how God intended it, then let him deal with it. It’s not your job.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"Andy Kindler wishes he was bitter." – DVD Review.

By Jason Tanamor

4 Stars:

Andy Kindler is bitter. And although his new comedy DVD is titled, “I Wish I Was Bitter,” I’m here to tell you that he IS bitter. Seriously. And that’s OK. Because this is what the comedian and actor planned all along.



The comedian, best known for his role on “Everybody Loves Raymond” and his cameos on Letterman, is self-deprecating and negative. Boy is he negative. But as I said before, that’s OK. That’s what makes him funny. I guess you could say, “I like my Kindler pessimistic.” Always looking at the glass half-empty, Kindler knows how to make that bottom half of the glass hilarious.

From his bits on SNL actors overdosing on drugs to make the skits funny, to texting, in which Kindler says, “What is texting? Are you tired of talking on the phone and wanting to slow down the process?” the veteran comedian and actor hit on all cylinders. Sure those cylinders touched on topics like NBC’s explanation of the sitcom “Whoopi,” Kindler still enjoying stand-up but at any given moment he could kill himself and the audience, and telling his landlord that $40 dollars is all he earned telling jokes. But let me say this, Kindler is an amazing comedian. You just have to get him.



Trying to give his landlord a gift card to Borders and arguing about going on the road to promote his act and making his material more mainstream, Kindler goes on to say that he likes to keep a safe distance from his material. Just in case it doesn’t work, he can say, “Who wrote this shit?”

The 45 minute long “I Wish I Was Bitter,” DVD examines Kindler’s belief that the roles he gets cast in are the ones where ‘if you need someone who looks uncomfortable, then I’m your guy.’ From the crowd reaction, it wasn’t the comedian who looked uncomfortable; rather it was the audience.

The special was taped in 2003, and even though this happened more than five years ago, the material is still timely. Save for some jokes about W. Bush being the worst president in the history and Hussein being caught by Kindler himself had it not been pilot season, the comedian takes one negative after another negative and turns it into something funny. After all, two negatives equal a positive. And that’s what Kindler’s comedy special is – something positive.

Check out the interview Zoiks! Online did with Andy here:

http://www.zoiksonline.com/2009/03/everybody-loves-raymonds-andy-kindler.html

Check out Andy’s website here:

http://www.andykindler.com



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Adam Lambert's gig only shocking because it wasn't more shocking.”

By Sean Leary

That was a dude?

That was my reaction to the alleged Adam Lambert “controversy” post the American Music Awards Sunday night.



For those who mercifully missed the disappointing show, which plopped like a turd in the toilet weighed down by undeserved awards given to Michael Jackson, strained ad libs by incongruous presenters and extremely disappointing performances by acts that have done way better in the past - I'm particularly talking to you, Lady Gaga and Rihanna - the show was a flop by any standard.

But its biggest dud was the Lambert performance, which was relentlessly hyped throughout the night by a breathless Ryan Seacrest, and which was held off until the very end to build suspense.

Suspense for… what, exactly?

The way Seacrest was alternately serious and pumped up in his deliveries of each promo of Lambert's gig built it up way too much. I couldn't help but wonder what the heck the guy was going to do to justify such hype. Was he going to have backup dancers dressed up like Osama Bin Laden and Barack Obama making out with each other while footage of 9-11 conspiracy theories played on a video screen in the background and he strode out naked, wearing only a Tom Cruise mask, to pee on a picture of Oprah? Oh, wait, no, Taylor Swift had already done that at the CMAs. So I guess Adam had to rely on something else.

Lambert, the runner up from the last “American Idol,” who surprised no one when he came out as gay in Rolling Stone just after the competition, was on the show to flog his new album, “For Your Entertainment,” which dropped Monday and was in the mediocre position of number 11 as of Tuesday morning. Wow, that AMA bump really helped.

I have to admit, I was really looking forward to seeing what Lambert was going to do. Then again, I was also really looking forward to seeing what Lady Gaga and Rihanna were going to do as well, and I was left blah by each of those performances, so I shouldn't have been surprised.

Seacrest hyped up Lambert's gig throughout the night as “the performance everyone will be talking about tomorrow” and “something you have to see to believe.”

Well, I saw it, and, Adam, I'm shocked.

I'm shocked that you weren't more shocking.

I remember watching some of the really controversial and chat-worthy performances on awards shows. Madonna dressed as a bride, strewn in crucifixes, simulating masturbation. Madonna kissing Britney and Xtina. Prince masturbating a guitar and simulating sex on stage. Tatu (remember them?) pawing each other as an army of female backup dancers in schoolgirl outfits made out throughout their set. Howard Stern exposing his disgusting butt and making the MTV awards podium explode with his fart. And on and on and on…

Adam Lambert's performance was not up to, or down to, depending on your perspective, those standards.

Basically, here's what happened: Lambert slunk out on stage in his retro glam Elvis gear, and slowly ascended a multi-tiered catwalk strewn with leather-clad backup dancers. Along the way, he dirty danced with them for a few seconds and had some simulated gestures where a couple of their heads gyrated in and out of his groinage.



Shocking? Maybe to some who have never seen this done before countless times by countless other performers who trade in sexual shock value. Madonna? Prince? Britney? Yeah, they've all done it before, but let's give credit where it's due - Jimi Hendrix and Jim Morrison were doing the same thing in the late '60s and Iggy Pop and various other punk acts did far worse in the '70s.

To me, given the long history of such on-stage moves, it smacked more of being calculated to shock.

But then came “the big moment” that “everyone was talking about” on Monday. One that was so shocking I pretty much missed it.

Adam Lambert kissed a guy. Yup. A long, sloppy kiss with a dude on national TV.

One thing though: The guy didn't look like a guy.

And no, I'm not joking.

My wife fell asleep about 15 minutes before the end of the show. The next day she asked me what happened, and about the Adam Lambert performance. She was more surprised by Taylor Swift beating Michael Jackson for the big award of the night. Especially when I told her that Lambert just climbed up a stage, had a few simulated oral seconds and then, at the top of the stage, “made out with some chick in a funky outfit with messed up hair.”

That's what I said. No kidding.

Some chick in a funky outfit with messed up hair.

Turns out, that “she” was a “he.”

That's how shocked I was.

I was shocked alright. Shocked that from a distance that that alleged guy looked so androgynous that I mistook him for a girl.

Was I shocked that Lambert had actually kissed a guy?

Why would I be?

He's a gay guy. Who else is he going to kiss? Breaking News! Gay guys kiss other gay guys. I'd be more surprised if he got caught making out with Jennifer Aniston.

But then again, considering her dating history, maybe I wouldn't be.

However, maybe this says more about us as a society than it does about Adam Lambert. Over the last decade, we've seen so much - and not a lot of it good. We've become pretty battle-hardened when it comes to shockability.

It's a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing in that petty things that would've otherwise occupied our time and mental energy no longer drain those precious commodities. But it's also a bad thing in that it acts as a spur to provocateurs seeking fame and attention. It's raised the bar so much that at some point, attention-seekers are really going to be burning up the envelope to get people to listen.

Where is that going to take them? A lot farther than it took Adam Lambert Sunday night.

However, maybe this numbness to shock could be a really good thing.

Once performers realize people are shock-proof, maybe they'll stop trying to gimmick people. Maybe they'll just rely on their talent and the raw power of their performance charisma to impress people.

Now THAT would be shocking.



BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.

"Who could be the next Oprah?"

By Bry Schulz

The countdown to the end has begun. Oprah announced last Friday that her show would be ending its 25 year run on September 9, 2011. But I ask, who will tell me what books to read? How will I know what movies to watch and which celebs to follow? What if I want to know which presidential candidate to vote for? I'm going to have to go to someone else for this information I guess.



There has been plenty of talk about who might fill the void left by the talk show phenom. Possible names that have been dropped - Ellen (that's a little obvious), Rachel Ray (right, because when I think of EVOO I think of pop culture), Whoopi Goldberg (I'll pass), even Sarah Palin has been suggested (I'd appreciate a 2x4 wallop to the head before sitting down for an hour of that talk show). But who would I REALLY like to watch for an hour? Someone who's interesting enough, someone who has the good shows, the good interviews? This year alone Oprah's had some of the best interviews! The lady who lost her face after being attacked by a chimpanzee, Taylor Swift, Mike Tyson, Stephanie Meyer - these people don't just go talking to anyone (well, maybe Mike Tyson does).



My ideas for who could fill Oprah's shoes? Heidi Klum. She's a mom. She has hosting experience on “Project Runway.” She's bilingual, which could come in handy, and it looks very impressive on a resume. (Although I'd really rather not watch my talk shows in German). What about Jennifer Lopez? She already has a ton of money so right off the bat she could start giving away cars. Although that would be copying and I'm sure J.Lo's not into that. What about Alec Baldwin? He cracks me up. I bet he'd have some interesting things to ask people. Could you imagine if the only interview Patrick Swayze's widow had done was with Alec Baldwin? I think I might not have cried as much. Okay, that's my vote. Give Alec Baldwin a talk show!

The truth of the matter is you could give Angelina Jolie her own talk show and it wouldn't hit the amazing heights that Oprah has in the last quarter decade. Her show has blown every other show out of the water. No one can be Oprah. No one will ever be Oprah. When Oprah leaves that will be that. End of story. The end of talk shows as we know it? Probably not. But it might be a while before we even see another talk show come close to the success Oprah has had. She's a living legend. And no one else's list of "favorite things" could get me as excited to get stuff! Why? Because, well, she's Oprah.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"Miracle Laurie says there’s no judging or no fear in the 'Dollhouse.'"

By Jason Tanamor

Fans of the hit show, “Dollhouse,” which airs on Fox on Friday nights, were in for a treat when one of the breakout stars in Season One returned to the show for its Second Season.



Check out the interview I did for Cinema Blend here:

http://www.cinemablend.com/television/Interview-Dollhouse-s-Miracle-Laurie-21253.html

Also check out this YouTube video of Miracle Laurie talking about her character Mellie and her “shocking revelation and what she might do to Ballard if he doesn't behave.”







BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Nate Bargatze wants you to know that 'it could be better.'"

By Jason Tanamor

One of my favorite things to do is check out comedians. It was a nice surprise when I came across an up-and-comer named Nate Bargatze. Although Bargatze isn’t well known commercially, the comedian has definitely made his mark on the stand-up circuit.



He recently stopped by to chat with Zoiks! Online.

Q – How long have you been doing stand-up?

A - A little over 6 1/2 years.

Q – Your father was a magician. Why didn’t you go into magic?

A - It is a lot of work and practice. I didn’t want to take the time to learn the tricks. So I just went the route of telling jokes instead of learning tricks and jokes.

Q – You’re fairly new to the comedy world but have had some TV success. How do you go about capitalizing these TV performances into bigger and better things?

A - I hope to turn them into more late night appearances. It was good to have the Conan people show interest in me and try to keep that relationship going. If you can consistently stay on TV you will keep working even if it is just the clubs.

Q – Your major TV spot was on “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.” Years ago, when there was only “The Tonight Show” and no Internet or cable, this was the way to get big. What did the Conan performance do for you?

A - Conan helped me with getting into some clubs and getting some fans but nothing too crazy. It is not like the old days where there were three channels so I am just happy to have the relationship with them. When I went to do my first appearance I got out of the car to walk inside and there were people standing to get autographs. Right when I was getting out I saw them come to the car and then watch the disappointment in their faces as I got out. I knew I had a long way to go.

Q – Do you think with late night shows, cable, and Internet, the market is over saturated with avenues for entertainers to get noticed?

A - It is tough to get noticed but you at least have a chance to try and get noticed. There is a lot of entertainment out there and that is why you have to make very original videos. I think it can be hard with regular people to get them to notice you but industry wise they know the difference between great jokes and a guy who can fart on cue. I at least hope so.



Q – How do you separate yourself from every other comedian trying to make it?

A - Original voice. Material is very important but I think you have to have a reason people want to like you and hear from you.

Q – You are a part of a podcast called, “It could be better.” Tell me the back story behind this?

A - I and Yannis Pappas do a lot together. And so we decided to do a podcast named ‘it could be better.’ The reason we named it that was because that way no one can say it sucks. We are admitting that before you can. And we have Chris Laker on the show and he wasn’t originally supposed to be on it but just happened to come over to Yannis’s house when we were doing it. And now I think he is listener’s favorite.

Q – When do you put this on and what is it you want to accomplish from it?

A - It comes out every Sunday on iTunes and you can also go to itcouldbebetter.org. I hope to get fans and make into something people really follow. It is a great outlet from just doing stand up.

Q – How do you decide what to put on your podcast?

A - We will put anything we find interesting on it. We don’t want to just interview comedians because there are already podcasts that are great that do that like ‘In the tank with Jon Fisch.’ So we are interviewing people with regular to crazy jobs. We want people to want to hear us and look forward to it coming out. We also will have shows with just us three that are very entertaining. We all have very different backgrounds that turn into some funny differences.

Q – Some of the guests you have on your podcast are investigative journalist Nir Rosen and MMA fighter, Bryan Vetell. How do you decide on your guests and how do you go about booking them?

A - Yannis was friends with all the guests except Bryan Vetell. Yannis is from New York so that helps out a lot. With Bryan I am taking MMA classes and he teaches it so I got him to do it. If we can find an interesting person then we want them.

Q – So, are you a podcaster or comedian first?

A - Comedian but I do love doing the podcast and look forward to continuing it.

Q – Anything you wanted to add?

A - The ‘It could be better’ podcast crew is doing a show at Comix in NYC on November 24th at 9:30 PM EST. Get tickets here for the show. And make sure to go to iTunes and subscribe to “It could be better.”

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Megadeth’s James LoMenzo has played with rock’s greats. - Part one."

By Bob Zerull

It was my honor to sit down with current Megadeth bassist James LoMenzo. James has played with some of the best musicians in the world including, Slash, Zakk Wylde, Vito Bratta and obviously Dave Mustaine. The interview only lasted twelve minutes, but I got a lot of good stuff so we’ll have to present the interview in two sections. So enjoy part one.



James - All right baby how we doing, how’s Illinois going?

Zoiks! - It’s cold.

J - Well, sorry man. Ok, let’s chat man, baby I’m calling to talk to you. What do we got?

Z - First off I just wanted to say I really like the new album (“Endgame”) a ton, it’s really great.

J - Thank you man, you know we’re really happy with it. It’s just one of those things where we kind of dove in a while back in the middle of being on the Judas Priest tour. We thought about how we were going to capture this thing; then it just became apparent that we’d try to make a good old fashion thrash record. You know, the best we can in our age group.

Z - Did you know you were making something special, while you were making it?

J - Nah, you never know man. You know what you do; you kind of work things out and see how it comes together. Most people that paint pictures or do any kind of art will tell you it’s usually that way, you just keep working away at it. You have to step back for a minute, but then you get back on it. Same kind of thing.

Z - How did you end up in Megadeth?

J - I was in a lot of other bands prior to this so I’d been around the block a few times. A friend of mine over at ESP guitar company (told me that), Dave (Mustaine) was looking for another bass player at the time, he (Dave) said hey if you know anybody. Without hesitation my friend said yeah I know the perfect guy for you and he’s not doing anything right now. So I called up Dave and he listened to a bunch of my music. I got together with the guys and played some of the songs with them. And Dave said ok man you think you can be ready to do a gig in four weeks and go to Dubai? And I said yes. (Laughs) I was kind of shocked at how complicated the music was.



Z - Did you know Dave before hand?

J - You know what, I’d never met Dave. Back in the day when Megadeth was coming up I was in a band called White Lion, so we were real busy selling records and doing all kinds of stuff. So I was well aware of the band and I loved them but it was mostly on a hit basis, what I heard on the radio. My familiarity was based on the fact that it was mostly the band’s hit songs, you know the things that I’d see on MTV, stuff that I was aware of on the radio. And then stuff that I’d hear at the rock club that I used to go to in Brooklyn, a lot of the songs I actually knew better just by hanging out at that club and hearing them come through the PA.

Z - Cool, so what’s your favorite song on the new album?

J - On this new one? I’m actually really into “44 minutes” right now. That one has got me psyched. We just started playing it live and it’s kind of like a little departure from the set which is really nice, it’s a little corner piece.

Z - Awesome, how many songs off “Endgame” are making it into the set?

J - We throw another one on almost every week now. We’re about three up now. Which is pretty good because we started “The United Abomination Tour” and I think it took us a little longer to get them up to size. So we’re doing “44 Minutes,” doing “Head Crusher,” and we’re doing “1320.” And we’re looking at two other ones as we speak. But our time is restricted so it’s kind of fun we get to switch them out. We’re also trying to go back to the old catalogue and play some stuff that even I haven’t played since I’ve been in the band. So we’ve got a lot of stuff going on. But we’ve got a lot of touring coming up so we’ve got plenty of time to shift the songs in and out.

Z - Cool, it seems like three of the big four original thrash metal bands are at their best right now. Slayer’s new album (“World Painted Blood”) is getting rave reviews, obviously “Endgame” is amazing and last year Metallica had theirs (“Death Magnetic”). Do you think it’s a coincidence or were you trying to one up each other?

J - I think it’s a natural progression. I think what happens is that bands mature, you blow off a lot of the teenage anxiety and testosterone that we carry so it’s a little easier to craft what we do. All these bands have their own vocabulary if you know what I mean. They already have a sound that they know they already do, so they can refer to that as another part of the language of the band. I think that makes it easier, it really does. Some bands on the other hand, find themselves getting a little lost with all of that, because they’re always trying to do something new. There are ways to incorporate that sort of vibe but remain true to the band’s essence. I think that’s what a lot of these bands do, because heavy metal is such a delineated style; such a fascist style if you will.



Z - Yeah, I know the rumor has been pretty much dismissed, but do you think a big four tour will ever happen?

J - You know what, that’s always in the works. Depending on which week you get me, (laughs) if it’s a good week it sounds like it’s going to be great and then another week I’ll say it’ll never happen in a million years. I’d be interested just like the rest of the world to see us all get up on the stage together.

Z - After this leg you guys are heading out on the “American Carnage Tour” with Slayer. Can you tell me a little bit about that?

J - We’ve already been through “Canadian Carnage” with Slayer. We certainly had some great shows. It’s amazing how well these bands balance against each other. Classic Megadeth. Classic Slayer. New music from both bands. The fan base really kind of cross the board perfectly. I think that what Slayer does and what Megadeth does, although it’s the same general style, it’s much delineated. It’s actually very different from one to the next. So I think it makes for a really rich show for the fans.

Z - You’ve played with some of the most talented people, not to mention some of the biggest personalities in the rock world. What is it like playing with some of those icons like Slash, Zakk Wylde or Dave Mustaine?

J - You know what? The thing is that with me it’s been through happenstance. Fortunately back in the 80’s I made it really big with White Lion. So I know what it’s like to get that feeling to play big stages. We used to play with a lot of iconic musicians and hang with them. When it started kind of stretching out after that, playing with people like Dave and Slash, these great guitar players, Zakk you know it’s a second thought to me because I see them as musicians first. You know I kind of lose myself in that. A lot of people on the outside are like, “That’s Dave Mustaine!!! That’s Slash!!!” I’m aware of everybody’s history. I take them as musicians, which I think is the only way to really handle it.

Z - Do you still keep in touch with some of your old band mates?

J - From time to time. I’ll run into Slash every now and again when we’re in town. He’s always more than affable; he’s one of those guys. Zakk I lost touch with for awhile, I know he’s doing a little better now, I’m glad to hear about that (referring to Zakk’s blood clot condition that caused him to have to drop off of the “Pedal to the Medal Tour” with Mudvayne). David Lee Roth said hey just the other day on the phone. I talked to Mike Tramp (White Lion) not too long ago. So it’s kind of fun. It’s starting to get kind of like that old stately gentlemen’s club. We’ll meet in some corner of the world (doing an impression of two rock stars catching up), you all right? Yeah, I’m all right. You all right? Yeah still rocking, you still rocking? All right man we’ll check in later.

Well, that’s all for part one, stay tuned for part two where James and I talk about the early days of his career with White Lion and how Jimi Hendrix was actually the one who inspired him to play bass.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"It’s official: Heidi Klum is no longer 'bathroom' material."

By Jason Tanamor

Men, grab your favorite Heidi Klum picture. It’s now over. You’ll need to throw it out.

Heidi Klum received a “Kiss from a Rose” by her husband Seal. In an article at People.com the Victoria’s Secret model reportedly took the singer’s last name on Friday, November 20, 2009.



According to the story, “In her filing, Klum, 36, gave a one-word reason for the change: Marriage.” And although the couple tied the knot four years ago, it wasn’t until now Klum decided to change her name.



Even when Klum was married, it was easy to separate her from her marriage to Seal. Now, not so much. So, men, when you’re dreaming of Heidi Klum, please now call her Heidi Seal. Who also has four children. And is married to Seal.

It’s time to throw away that Victoria’s Secret catalog.

OK, use it one more time.

Now throw it out.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'The Twilight Saga: New Moon.'" – Movie Review.

By Bry Schulz

5 Stars:

I wasn't sure that “New Moon” was a sure thing. I wanted it to be so much better than the first “Twilight” movie. I hoped that all the scenes on the Internet that hyped that possibility weren't going to end up being part of a major let down. You don't want to look forward to something only to have it fizzle out in front of your eyes. How horrible to have to wait so long at the edge of your seat only to be let down by the thing you've been waiting on.



I was not disappointed with “New Moon.” True to the book? Yes. Better acting than the first? Yes. My favorite moments from the book included in the movie? Yes. Just enough tension between characters? Yes. The movie lived up to my fan expectations. Reading the books you have such a clear idea in your head of what these characters look like. You know just how they say things, the little looks they give, their idiosyncrasies; you just decide these things when you're reading. The worst thing about seeing a book made into a movie is when all those things are blatantly off from what your perspective is. This didn't happen to me when watching “New Moon.” It did during the first “Twilight” movie and I really didn't want that to happen again.



I don't want to spoil things for you if you have yet to see “The Twilight Saga: New Moon” but I will tell you this - this movie stays truer to the book. (And I'll only discuss things you already know will happen by having read the books). I felt like Edward left Bella in a depression just as awful as in the book. I cried during that scene just as I do when I read the book. Later I fell in love with Jake just like I did in the book. Just as you start to stop wondering when Edward will return to the storyline and you start wanting to see as much Jake as possible everything explodes in Bella's face. The tension of getting to save Edward is palpable! I was bouncing in my chair in the theater like my twitching could somehow will them to get to Volterra faster. And the reunion with Edward was so good. As for all the action with the Volterra? I won't say much, but I will say this: I was digging my nails into my leg.

So rest assured die hard Twi-hards. If you're anything like me you'll be happy with the outcome. The only downside to finally seeing the long wait come to an end is this twofold: Number 1) I want to see the movie again! Right now! Or now! Now is a good time to see it again. And Number 2) I can't wait for “Eclipse.” How many days is it until “Eclipse?” TOO MANY. I don't know if I'm ready to do this all over again. Yes I am.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"The long and short story of why Regan Burns went into acting – girls."

By Jason Tanamor

Regan Burns has worked with many actors, ones that have name recognition like Billy Bob Thornton and Scarlett Johansson. He’s been seen in many projects, and I’m betting right now you still can’t place his name with his face. And that’s OK, because as long as Burns is working, he’s happy. Unless, of course, it’s on the staged version of the movie “300” set on a gay cruise ship.

The actor recently chatted with Zoiks! Online about his career and the fact he’s fulfilled his long time dream of working with Theo from “The Cosby Show.”



Q – Real quick, how and why did you get involved in acting?

A - Why real quick? Are we on some kind of time crunch here? I mean, what if it’s one of those really long stories, that yes, may drag on for quite a long time, but in the end, everyone goes, “Wow, I’m glad I hung in there and listened to that really long but powerful story about how AND why Regan got involved in acting!” You know what I mean? Oh, and I got into acting to meet girls.

Q – You have one of those faces that people recognize. And from your resume, you’ve done dozens of television spots. What is it like being known as a character actor in many TV shows and movies?

A - I’ll take recognition wherever I can get it! I’ve always said that I could win an Academy Award in this town and people would still come up to me and go,” Aren’t you that guy from the Wheat Thins commercial?” That’s just the biz. As long as I’m working these days, I'm happy.

Q - You’ve done everything from stage, to TV, to movies, to drama and to comedy. What’s your favorite medium and why?

A - Each one has their pros and cons. Stage is the most artistically fulfilling but doesn’t pay squat. Movies are neat, but there is a LOT of waiting around for those crazy cinematographers to get the lighting just right. TV is easier, but let’s be honest, most of it is crap. Are you listening Mr. Bochco? I need a gig! And drama is easy, comedy is hard!!



Q – After doing so many character roles, do you find that you’re being typecast for future parts?

A - I’m glad you said it. When is Hollywood going to wake up and see me as more than just the funny guy who they can throw into a TV show or commercial or low budget straight-to-video movie for a cheap laugh? I’ve got two words for you - hand modeling. Think about it high ranking executives.

Q – Having a background in comedy improv, are you able to improvise a script?

A - You have to kind of feel that out. Sometimes it’s good to improvise, sometimes, not so much. Depends on the production. I would just say that if you are going to improvise a line, it better be funny. If it isn’t, you look like a jackass for trying.

Q - How much luxury do you have as an actor when it comes to improvising your lines?

A - I’ve been doing it for years. Somehow I keep getting away with it. Most of the time, the writers are begging you to make the script funnier. Unfortunately, you don’t get paid more for coming up with witty banter.

Q – Have there been any projects that you have regretted doing?

A - I should have known that a staged version of the movie “300” set on a gay cruise ship was not quite what my agent told me it was going to be.

Q – What was your best/favorite role?

A - I’ve been pretty lucky to work with some pretty talented people in my little career. Billy Bob Thornton, Jon Favreau, Scarlett Johansson, Mandy Patinkin, Jamie Lynn Spears. But if I had to pick just one role, it would probably be my portrayal of Mr. Magorium.



Q – I know actors who have some unusual rituals before getting into character. What is your process for preparing for a role?

A - I would simply advise you watch any pre-fight montage from “Rocky III,” IV or V.

Q – Being in the business for many years, is there ever animosity or jealousy for other actors that “hit it big” who have essentially just landed in Hollywood?

A - I hate anyone who has had more success than me and I shun anyone who has less IMDB credits than I do. They obviously are not working hard enough.

Q – What’s the one thing you want to accomplish before you retire from this profession?

A - To work with Malcolm Jamal Warner. Wait! I’ve already done that. Can I quit and raise llamas in Wisconsin now?

Q – Are you working on any projects?

A - Nothing that I really want to mention right now. I don’t want to jinx it when it is so early in development. Let me just say this. I think the world might be ready for the return of Balki.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"Ramblings of a road comic."

By BT

My license is now valid. After I don't know how long, I am finally legal to drive. Anyone who has been in my position knows that driving without a license is the most nerve wracking experience in the world. Anytime a set of headlights gets behind you, you start hyperventilating, crying, and poopin’ in your pants.



Well, maybe not crying, but still. Scary to say the least. I don't have to worry about that shit anymore, although I'm still illegal to drive in the other 49 states! Hey, they don't know that, so until they do? SHHHHHHHHHH!! That was the highlight of my day. To find out I was valid. Nothing beats it. I could have a first born son, win an Academy Award, hit the lottery and if they ask me the greatest day of my life I'll say Nov.19th 2009! The day my license got valid.

Sure my son will cry and say, "B-b-b-b-but daddy, wha about me?"



And I'll say, "Look you stutterin' 'lil booga, I like you, but daddy was an outlaw, drivin' like a scared 'lil bitch, that day changed my life son. Not unlike the day you were born son, but more fulfilling! Look kid, we've been together eight going on nine years, you still can't hit a fastball, tackle or shoot a damn basket to save your life. That takes a toll on your pops. When I got my license valid, there was no downside.

You on the other hand son, and speaking of son, you have red hair, you're good at Math and have a small penis. I'm darker than Louis Johnson's ass at midnight in the Black Forrest, and your mom is Swedish and can't do a fraction to save her life, so where the hell does the red hair and small penis come from? "It just doesn't make sense. But me driving legally, makes all the sense in the world."

Now quit crying and help daddy figure out his taxes.

BYLINE:

BT is a comedian who travels all across the country to tell the funny to audiences that come out to see his show. Check his website out for show dates (http://www.btrox.com).

"'The Twilight Saga: New Moon'" - Movie Review.

By Jason Tanamor

This movie comes out in one day. Here is the review from LA Times. If you don’t want to ruin the 2nd biggest night of your life ("Twilight" being the first), don’t watch.

C’mon, you can hold off for one more day.



However, if you must. LALALALALALALALALALALALALLALALALA, I’m not listening, LALALALALLALALLAALA.

 

Source: LA Times



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Nicolas Cage needs to make one more movie to cover debt.”

By Jason Tanamor

I can see it now: Nicolas Cage stars in “National Treasure 3: The Search for Money.” Why do I see this? Well, in an article at People.com titled, “Accountant: Nicolas Cage Was 'Compulsive' Spender,” it looks as if the movie star needs money – a lot of it.



According to the article, “While Nicholas Cage is claiming that bad money management is behind his financial collapse, the former accountant who worked with the star claims that it's Cage who is to blame for his own ruin.”

The article goes on to show exactly what Cage bought during his time with money. “According to Levin (Cage’s financial advisor), in 2007 the ‘National Treasure’ star purchased three homes at more than $33 million; 22 cars, including nine Rolls Royces; 12 purchases of expensive jewelry and 47 pieces of artwork.”

Apparently, Cage also spent lots and lots of moolah taking his MC Hammer-like entourage out. You could say he’s too legit to quit – hey hey!



So, the need to make a third installment of the hit movie, “National Treasure” may just be the answer. But what would the plot consist of?

The first one revolved around the Declaration of Independence. The second movie, “National Treasure: Book of Secrets” found its plot around the assassination of Abraham Lincoln. What could possibly top these two plots?

I know.

The United States could invade Iraq in search for a terrorist who attacked the Washington Monument. The country’s President, played by Denzel Washington, could divert the citizens’ attention into thinking the person responsible for the Washington Monument attack is someone other than the actual person. Then, they could play on this tragedy when really they are going after oil, I mean, money.

Coming as soon as possible: “National Treasure: The Search for Oil, I mean, Money.”



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Twilight' author, Stephanie Meyer, answers big question."

By Bry Schulz

I'm sure several of you were watching Oprah on Friday like me to see what kind of possible new details “Twilight” author Stephanie Meyer might spill about - anything! Most of the interview was probably repetition though.



Those of us who've done our fair share of inter-stalking everything “Twilight” already know all about Stephanie Meyer's story. She had a dream, it's the 13th chapter of “Twilight,” she's a stay at home mom of three boys, yada-yada. So the Oprah interview was not exactly a whole bunch of revelations. However, I ended up watching the show three times. Yeah, THREE times.



I did that because I thought I had missed something very important. Oprah teased the fact that she would be asking Meyer about a FIFTH “Twilight” book. This is information I'd love to know. So I rewound, rewatched and rewound and rewatched and never did Oprah ask this never before addressed question. Luckily, I found a link on Oprah's website where this question WAS asked to Stephanie.

Turns out they "ran out of time" to ask it live during the show. Looks like there's a bigger possibility than I thought; that there might be a fifth book. It doesn't sound like it'll be ANYTIME SOON. But who cares, it COULD happen. Click on the link to watch the video.

http://www.oprah.com/media/20091113-orig-stephenie-meyer

Stephanie Meyer also answers a few other good questions about the series. Click and enjoy Twi-hards! Only 3 days left!!!



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"Rihanna teams up with Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt for live concert."

By Jason Tanamor

Streaming live from London, Monday, November 16th, Rihanna and Extreme’s Nuno Bettencourt will be performing tracks from Rihanna’s album, “Rated R,” to a free online audience.



According to the Official Extreme website, Bettencourt announced the news via the forum. “A friend and Music Director, Tony Bruno, reached out to me and asked if I would be interested in playing guitar with Rihanna. Rihanna is a regular in the Bettencourt-house playlist. …My first thought was that there isn't a whole lot of guitar in her music and therefore probably not the greatest fit for what I do. But before I had a chance to verbalize that thought, Tony said, ‘Before you say anything, let me play you the direction she wants to go live.’



…I got very excited at the possibility of playing some of her great songs with a heavier treatment. When I asked Tony Bruno why?, he told me that Rihanna loves bands like Paramore and Linkin Park and loves to push it up a notch or two live in the rock department.”

Bettencourt went on to say, “Touring and sharing the stage with a cool and talented artist like Rihanna, and being able to bring what I do passionately to the table as a musician and performer? IM IN! And having finished the first round of rehearsals, it did not disappoint. Even better than what I expected because she also has the most incredible band, and I get the privilege to add to their wall of sound. It's gonna be fun. Come see and hear it for yourself!”

Check it out here: http://nowplaying.nokia.com/join-us/

Rest assured Extreme fans, the band will have a live DVD and CD coming out in early 2010.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Margaret Cho’s ‘Beautiful’ DVD.” – Concert Review

By Bob Zerull

Margaret Cho has done it all. At forty years of age she’s an actress, fashion designer, author, gay icon, and recording artist. She’s a political activist who has stood up for gay and lesbian rights, specifically the right to marriage. She’s won numerous humanitarian awards for efforts on behalf of women, Asians and the lesbian, gay, bisexual & transgender (LGBT) community. First and foremost, Margaret Cho is a comedian and she’s back with her fifth comedy special entitled “Beautiful,” which comes out November 17th.



“Beautiful” was taped just weeks before the 2008 election and there was plenty of election talk. Margaret claims in her special that she was fired from the Obama campaign for her jokes about McCain and Palin. She goes on to say that she’s sick of McCain, because everybody calls him a great soldier. “Well, he was captured, must not have been that good.” Cho is not a fan of Sarah Palin because she tolerates gays. What does that mean? Cho goes on to say she’s torn because she hates Sarah Palin but she really wants to have sex with her (but Cho puts it in a much more profane way).

Cho clearly has found her niche with the LGBT community much like Kathy Griffin or Joan Rivers. She spent a good portion of her show dedicated to Proposition 8 and the legalization of gay marriage. As with any great satirists she spends much of her show focusing on stereotypes and making fun of them. Like the G shot she got on her G spot to help her have better orgasms, because she’s Asian and if there’s extra credit she’s going to do it.



(Photo by Austin Young)

The comedian also discusses her new television show called “The Cho Show” in which she appears naked in every episode. She does this because in 1994 when her break out show “All American Girl” premiered she was wearing a tank top and her producers told her to never wear it again because she looked fat. Cho said she wants to be naked in every episode of “The Cho Show” because those producers can see her ass in every episode and kiss it. During her time on the “All American Girl” she starved herself several weeks, rapidly losing weight. By the time the pilot premiered she experienced serious kidney failure.

What’s good? If you fall within Cho’s niche you’ll love every second of this special. Additionally, if you’re a normal, open-minded human being you’ll find “Beautiful” very entertaining.

What’s bad? If you’re a close minded conservative who’s uncomfortable with X-rated humor involving numerous “controversial” topics such as homosexuality then you’ll probably be turned off. If I just described you I challenge you to watch her special. You might just learn something.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"'Twilight' stars on 'New Moon.'"

By Jason Tanamor

Check out this new clip from CBS.com. “Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson, stars of the hugely successful "Twilight" film, are set for the release of the latest installment, "New Moon." CBS News' Teri Okita reports from Hollywood.”

"Twilight Saga - New Moon" this Friday!







BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Gina Gershon searches for Cleo.” - CD Review.

By Bry Schulz

3 1/2 Stars:

When I think of Gina Gershon, I think of her lesbian roles in movies like “Bound” and “Showgirls.” She's sort of an Indie darling and gives off a total "not to be effed with" vibe. Imagine my surprise when I listened to her album titled "In Search of Cleo" and it wasn't your usual actress-gets-a-music-deal sound.



From the very first track I was surprised at Gina's voice. Listening through the entire album I didn't feel like I could put the CD into one category. Blues, Jazz, Classic Country all seem to make an appearance on the album. For sure there's an old school feel to her music. Not seeming too serious and written with ease the songs are different from a lot of what's "now" these days. It's easy to see she has been inspired by some of the classics - Patsy Cline, Miles Davis, Sinatra, maybe even a little Stevie Nicks.

"In Search of Cleo" is a 10 track disk that spans a few music genres. The first track "Watch Over Me" seemed the most classic country to me. It made me think of Patsy Cline. I was surprised by that but even more surprised when the rest of the songs didn't necessarily follow suit.



Another track on the album, titled “Marie,” had a more Jazz feel than anything else. Filled with heavy sounding bass riffs it gives you the feeling you're listening to it in a smoky club somewhere. I'd be interested to know if Gina actually wrote this song from real life experiences with a woman named Marie. The lyrics tell a story of a relationship between a nanny and the kid she takes care of. Probably not the catchiest tune but certainly not anything you'd expect either.

While Gina Gershon is probably most recently known for recurring roles on shows like “Rescue Me” and “Ugly Betty”, and also on her Broadway show, “Bye Bye Birdie,” she's working hard at a career in music too. On Gershon's website she says "I always did what I wanted" even if it was not what her managers felt she should. If she sticks to that same M.O., and why would she stop now, it looks like she'll keep making music that has no borders for some time to come.



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

“DJ Qualls hits the web with a new series, ‘Circle of Eight.’”

By Jason Tanamor

MySpace made Dane Cook famous. And although it didn’t really make him funny, it did get his name out. That’s what DJ Qualls is hoping. Mostly known for his role on “Road Trip,” as the skinny kid who hooked up with a big woman, and “The New Guy,” Qualls stars in the web series “Circle of Eight,” which is being played exclusively on MySpace.



The series, a ten-parter that runs about 6-8 minutes in length, is an interactive trivia game that posts clues throughout each episode. There are about 70 questions in each episode so viewers must pay close attention to everything on the show.

The synopsis is this:

Jessica, a newcomer to the City of Angels, has just moved into a loft on the eighth floor of The Dante, a historic and eerie downtown building filled with friendly twenty-something neighbors who eagerly welcome her into their bohemian world. Or do they?

As Jessica races to unravel the mystery behind a chain of horrifying deaths that only she seems to see, she’ll come face-to-face with the chilling truth behind her connection to The Dante. Join her and her hot neighbor, Evan, in ten intense episodes that offer multiple levels of interaction, including hidden clues, mobile content, an online game and exclusive material that builds the back story of the characters and their relationships and gives the audience the chance to affect their futures.



Currently, the series is in its 6th episode. The link is http://www.myspace.com/circleof8 and new shows launch every Tuesday. And if that’s not awesome enough, the full length film will be released on DVD next month.

As a tribute to the series and the fact DJ Qualls is downright hilarious, here is the Top 8 most famous DJ’s.

8. DJ AM
7. Jam-Master Jay from Run DMC
6. DJ Jazzy Jeff from Fresh Prince fame.
5. Moby
4. DJ Spooky
3. Paul Oakenfold
2. DJ Tanner from “Full House.”
1. DJ Qualls

Check out the series on MySpace and play along.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

“Margaret Cho is a ‘Beautiful’ stand-up comic.”

By Jason Tanamor

I had been trying to set up an interview with Margaret Cho for some time, almost four years. For whatever reason, it never happened – until now. Thanks to a publicist I work with and a new comedy special, I finally accomplished this task. It was definitely worth the wait.

Zoiks! Online recently talked to the legendary comedian about her life on TV, her life on stage, and the fact that she really is an all American girl.



Q – What specific moment made you decide to do stand-up comedy?

A - I have always wanted to do it, as long as I could remember. I just knew that was who I was, and what I would grow up to be. I watched a lot of comedy as a child, since my father was a stand-up comedy fan. We watched George Carlin and Richard Pryor and Robin Williams together and I just knew that was what I wanted to do.

Q – You’ve been performing stand-up for more than 20 years. How has the stand-up landscape evolved from when you first started in comedy?

A - It's gone through a few ups and downs. When I was starting in the late ‘80s, there was still a big stand-up comedy boom, and there were lots of clubs all over the place to work at. People were going out to see comedy regularly, and there were many television shows devoted to stand-up like “Evening at the Improv,” “Comic Strip Live,” “MTV's Half-Hour Comedy Hour,” etc. There were stand-up performances on the late night talk shows and everyone wanted to be on Carson. This was the big deal - to be on Carson and have him call you over to be on the couch. In the ‘90s, there was a lot less comedy on TV and in clubs, but then 'alternative' rooms started popping up, and the whole 'indie' thing was born. This was the 'punk rock' phase of comedy - where it was important to be funny, but you also were encouraged to have an underlying message - that comedy was a true art form that could embrace pathos and sadness - in fact should embrace those things - comedy and tragedy should work together to be truly valuable. So the alternative thing grew and grew and that changed comedy a lot, also in the way that clubs were booked and the way that certain stars emerged. Nowadays, I feel like there's another stand-up comedy boom happening. There are a lot of great people out touring, in the same way bands tour - playing rock venues and living the rock life. I like it this way because I really think comedy is rock and roll.



(Photo by Austin Young)

Q – Is there material that you’ve done back in the day that you look at now and think, ‘wow, those jokes just plain sucked’?

A - Not really. I am very proud of all that I have done. I can't say I remember anything that sucked. I have a fairly high quality control in my work. Of course, there were lots of stuff people didn't 'get' - but that has nothing to do with how good I was. It's always right to blame the audience I think.

Q – You’ve done a lot of television. In fact, most people who have heard of Margaret Cho mostly know you as an actress. Do you consider yourself a comedienne or an actress?

A - I am a stand-up comic - I don't like the term comedienne because it seems dated, like I have to wear a rhinestone bow tie. So, I am a stand-up comic. I am also an actress but somehow that seems less prevalent in my career, although I have done a lot of acting, I tend to tour as a stand-up comic more than I take acting gigs.

Q – Your sitcom “All American Girl” was one of the first ethnic programs on television. Do you think a show like that could make it on TV today in terms of how the world looks more liberally at racism, or even homosexuality?

A - I would love to see a show like “All American Girl” on TV today. I think it would have a much better chance of survival because we are seeing different faces on TV, especially because of reality programming. When we were on the air in 1994, we were so scrutinized for so many reasons - cultural accuracy for one, which is ludicrous because we don't demand 'cultural accuracy' from white people on television. We had so many situations where 'political correctness' was used against us. We were accused of racism merely for existing because people were so unused to seeing Asian faces on television that everyone assumed it must be racist. Still, a whole generation of kids watched us and it had a profound effect on them, helping them feel like they existed. It was powerful in a lot of ways.

Q – In 2008, you had a reality comedy show called “The Cho Show.” Why was this show so much different than “All American Girl”?

A - It wasn't that different really. It was my way of recreating the real all American girl - how it should have been. It had my real family, both biological and queer - in that my parents were in it as well as my family of gay friends, so it was the ideal version of “All American Girl,” if I had had some control over things. It was also a scripted/reality show, so essentially it was a sitcom with real people, as we all played ourselves.



(Photo by Ron Jaffe)

Q – I’ve interviewed Henry Cho and asked him a question about Asians in stand-up comedy. Since you and Henry are pretty much the only two Asians I know in stand-up, I was wondering about your thoughts on why there are not that many Asians doing stand-up comedy?

A - I love Henry. There are a lot more Asians doing comedy today. There is Bobby Lee, Aziz Ansari, Ken Jeong and Charlyne Yi – and many more. I feel there are fewer Asians in entertainment because Asian-American culture simply won't allow it. Worried parents rarely encourage their children to go into these fields and kids in Asian culture do not defy their parents so you have a whole lot of kids going into medicine and law that do not want to be there. It's very sad. I think that there should be more Asians in comedy and I try to help out the newer ones as much as I can.

Q – Your name is synonymous with Roseanne, Ellen and Paula Poundstone. Being in stand-up for so long, how do you keep things fresh and exciting so you don’t come across as someone like Gallagher?

A - I try to do different things like dance and music and find new ways of being a comic. It's important to challenge yourself as an artist and create new versions of yourself.

Q – You have a new comedy special coming out called, “Beautiful.” How is this special different than the previous four you’ve put out?

A – It’s all new material, my first big touring show in years, so it's great. There are so many jokes, really dirty ones. I am very proud of this one.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.