"Cockpit’s 'Mission to Rock' is similar to Buckcherry and AC/DC." - CD Review

By Bob Zerull

On my way to check out a concert earlier this month a friend of mine handed me this EP from a band called Cockpit. He told me that it sounded like 80’s era hair metal. So I popped it in on my way to the show and I loved it. I like all sorts of rock music, from heavy metal, to classic rock, from hard rock to blues based rock. My favorite style of music is blues based rock, bands like Aerosmith and Guns n Roses. So besides Buckcherry, there’s not much out there.



The EP is entitled “Mission to Rock” with the title track being the first song on the album. “Mission to Rock” starts off much like the hit song “Lit Up” by Buckcherry. Don’t get me wrong, this song is not a “Lit Up” rip off; it just has a similar tone or feel. It also had something I had been missing for a long time and that is amazing extended guitar solos.

The next song “At a Loose End” might be the catchiest song on the album. If there is a hit on here it’s this one. I love the way the main riff and vocals mix together. Every song on the album has a sing-a-long chorus, but “At a Loose End” particularly stands out for me. The song is the shortest on the EP clocking in at 2:49, but there was still plenty of time for another great guitar solo.



“White Flag,” the third song on the EP kicks off with a sweet walking guitar riff, very much reminiscent of AC/DC. This song includes another sing-a-long chorus that will require audience participation at live shows. The guitar solo is very much a tip of the cap to Angus Young. “Shot in Hell” is the song fans will be calling for in 15 years after this band has released 5 or 6 albums. It may not end up being their biggest hit, but it’ll be the deep track everyone loves. It’s my personal favorite on the album. At this stage in their career it’d be a great closing number.

The final song on the EP “Mission to Rock” is called “Gun for Hire” and it has a similar sound to the rest of the EP. All the songs clock in at a round three minutes and all the songs rock. It’s everything we loved about 80’s rock. I wouldn’t limit them to hair bands like LA Guns or Winger though. This band could play with Buckcherry or maybe even Chickenfoot any day of the week. Either of those would be shows I’d love to see.

Oh, I forgot to mention, this is an all girl band with chops equal to if not better than most rock bands out there. It’s refreshing to hear guitar solos like this again - it’s been too long. I think it would be great if a veteran blues based rock band took these ladies out on tour; they’d be a great addition to any tour. I promise you they will not disappoint. Check them out at www.ilovecockpit.com or www.myspace.com/cockpit. I hope I get a chance to see them live soon.

BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.

"Your New Year’s resolution could be worse; it could involve Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, Al Qaeda and the Chicago Cubs."

By Jason Tanamor

It's that time of the year again, which is a lot better than that time of the month. The time to make a New Year's resolution. You know the kind I'm talking about, the one that lasts for about three seconds. The 'I'm going to get in shape this year,' or 'I'm going to quit smoking,' one that is heard every single year. The one you swear by. "No, this year I'm really going to get in shape."



I don't think one resolution has ever made it to summer. The reason is because according to the average person, the year only lasts for three months. You hear it all the time. "I can't believe it's March already. This year has flown by."

People always say the year has flown by, without it even being close to over yet.

That's why, according to these people, it's okay to break their New Year's resolution. They figure, if the year is over by March anyway, why not start smoking again when spring hits?

In order to keep resolutions from being broken too soon, why not have ones that you’ll know you're going to keep, like “I’m going to read every story about Tiger Woods.” Or, (if you’re not in to following entertainment stories) "This year, I'm going to eat whatever I want. I'm going to hit every drive-thru in my area until I bleed mayonnaise."



That way, at the end of the year, you'll be assured that your well thought out New Year's resolution was not just talk. Too bad you'll be 100 pounds overweight and the first to have a heart attack. But this is exciting to you since you've never been first in anything. Maybe except the time you won the 50-yard dash in grade school. But even that didn't count because you jumped off the starting line seconds before the cap gun went off. So being the first to have a heart attack doesn't really bother you.

With celebs beating up their wives ala Charlie Sheen, messing around on their wives ala Tiger Woods and David Letterman, and those losing their wives ala Brittany Murphy’s husband, there are a lot of other issues that you could have on your shoulders. After all, you could be one of these people. Think about their New Year’s resolutions.

“Honey, I swear this is the last beat down. Now where are my Hanes?”

If your year wasn’t as great as you’d hope, you could take a lesson from Al Qaeda, which goes out and “claims” responsibility for a failed terrorist attack like the one we saw in Detroit involving Abdulmutallab. Does Al Qaeda realize the plan failed? What’s next? Al Qaeda coming out to “claim” the responsibility of the Chicago Cubs?

“We are also responsible for all things Mark Prior.”

Having said this, I'd like to give my New Year's resolution:

I'd like to change the world - but I don't know what it wears. Maybe something in plaid with a butterfly collar, but I'm really not sure. The only thing I fear is the world saying to me, "Does this dress make the Atlantic Ocean look fat?" And to this I'll lie and utter, "No, I like the way the seams highlight your reefs."

Of course this won't happen, because I can never keep my New Year's resolution for more than three seconds. And this is why the world is in the shape it is, which incidentally is more in shape than you. Now, what’s William Baldwin up to?

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel' is far superior to the execrable original." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

2007's “Alvin and the Chipmunks” was an ugly exercise in low humor that had no business appealing to our children but succeeded thanks to the laziness of American parents; those unyielding masses who refuse to check what they expose their children to. That inability to nip the Chipmunks in the bud after one movie has led to a second film, not so cleverly dubbed “The Squeakquel.”



So, now the Chipmunks are back and somehow I am not clawing my eyes out. Don't misunderstand, I still am not willing to recommend the experience of these CGI rodents’ latest adventure but under the middling talents of director Betty Thomas, “The Squeakquel” is far superior to the execrable original.

As we rejoin the Chipmunks they are still huge international stars performing sold out shows in front of screaming teenagers. Naturally, Alvin (voice of Justin Long) remains his mischievous self, vamping for the crowd and generally calling attention to himself ahead of all else. Alvin's antics at a benefit concert in Paris get really out of control and lead to his adoptive dad Dave (poor, poor Jason Lee) nearly being crippled by an Alvin sign.

With Dave laid up in Paris for a while the boys are sent home to the care of their Aunt Jackie (Kathryn Joosten) until she too is laid up by accident, this one involving her layabout nephew Toby (Zachary Levi). This leaves Toby to care for Alvin, Simon (voice of Matthew Gray Gubler) and Theodore (Jesse McCartney) as they go off to school for the first time.

Yes, the Chipmunks are going to High School where they will encounter bullies, sports and most importantly girls and not just any girls, oh no dear reader, the Chipettes. Brittany (Christina Applegate), Jeanette (Anna Faris) and Eleanor (Amy Poehler) are talking female Chipmunks who also happen to be talented singers. Unfortunately, the girls are under the control of the nefarious record exec Ian (David Cross) who plots to use the girls to gain revenge on the Chipmunks (Ian was the villain of the first film, for those who were not aware).



All things come to a head, naturally, at a singing competition and charity performance that pits the Chipmunks vs. the Chipettes. Meanwhile, Alvin's ego after joining a popular group puts the boys’ performance in jeopardy. Can the Chipmunks overcome the odds to win the contest? Will Alvin learn a valuable lesson about family, loyalty and respect? Do you really give a damn?

There is only one question an adult should be asking themselves about a movie like “Alvin and the Chipmunks” and that is: Will it somehow corrupt my children? The simple answer is no, it will not. Though I find the film to be another dreary example of the decline of children's entertainment, Alvin is mostly inoffensive.

The very typical, simpleminded value reinforcement that is “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” is just the kind of mild, forgettable distraction that works to anesthetize children for 80 minutes without turning them into murderers or thieves, a condition I honestly do believe involves exposure to lesser forms of entertainment like the previous “Alvin and the Chipmunks” movie.

Director Betty Thomas has never been a great director but she is a professional and far more caring than the director of the first film who shall remain unnamed by me. (It's not really a protest, I just don't feel any inclination to actually seek the name of the director of “Alvin and the Chipmunks.” Really, if you care to know, why are you reading this?) Thomas, at the very least makes this “Alvin and the Chipmunks” one that doesn't make me want to vomit. And that's something.

Ms. Thomas even made this film a charitable event. Making cameos in “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” are a version of the wonderful Save the Music Foundation, a group dedicated to keeping the arts in school, and Toys for Tots, a tremendous organization that gives free toys to poor children.

Exposing these two groups in a major studio blockbuster damn near makes the mess of “Alvin and the Chipmunks” worth it. I still cannot recommend the film, especially while it competes with far superior family entertainment like “Princess and the Frog” and “The Blind Side.” However, for those so inclined to see “Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel” you won't be offended and your kids will likely have forgotten about it by next week. That's really the best anyone can ask of this budding franchise.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"'Twilight Saga: New Moon' has deleted scenes."

By Bry Schulz

Though "The Twilight Saga: New Moon" is still in theaters it looks like some deleted scenes might be coming our way via the Internet soon. Perezhilton.com posted two still photos of these unseen scenes.





You can check out what Perez posted here: http://perezhilton.com/2009-12-28-a-glimpse-at-some-new-moon-deleted-scenes. And let’s hope those extra scenes come out soon. I still can't believe we have to wait until the end of June for “Eclipse.” But let's not go there. Enjoy Twihards!



BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

"The gunslinger battle: Vikings’ Brett Favre versus Bears’ Jay Cutler."

By Jonathan Schlosser

Two quarterbacks, both known for taking chances. Both known for forcing passes. Both knowing for being electric when they are on and disastrous when they aren’t. Jay Cutler for the Chicago Bears and Brett Favre for the Green Bay – sorry - for the Minnesota Vikings. And there was no better stage for such a clash than Monday Night Football, the biggest NFL stage of them all. The teams met on the last Monday in December in one of the biggest rivalry games, the biggest grudge-matches, in the National Football League. And, just by looking at the quarterbacks, it promised to be very ugly or very, very good.



Cutler, leading the league in INTs, almost threw one on his first pass. And his second. He calmed down a bit after that, getting the Bears down around the five, though he couldn’t get them in as he threw incomplete to Olsen, the tight end, on third down. The Bears settled for a field goal and kicked the ball back to the Vikings. First blood.

From there on out, the Bears looked better than they have in weeks. They moved the ball. They made plays on offense. Cutler not only didn’t throw an INT in the first half, he threw a touchdown. The Bears went into halftime up 16-0 and the young gunslinger was way ahead of the old one.

I was shocked at halftime, to say the least. I’d already been looking up statistics online such as, well, the most interceptions thrown in a season (42). I’d been talking about Cutler moving into position to tie for third on that list (34). I’d been talking about how the over/under for the game was 3.5 and I was taking it for the over - for interceptions, that is, not points. I’d basically been lambasting Cutler all pregame, and then he was making me eat every one of those words, lambasting, in turn, the Vikings.

The second half started with a surge from the Vikings. The Old Man made some plays, the Bears defense made a play (pass interference, to be exact), and Adrian Peterson pounded the ball in for a score. 7-16, I said. But no. Never take anything for granted: not the inevitable longevity of disco, not the inevitability of made extra points. The kick was blocked. But the Vikings had pulled within ten, and it was a game again.

It didn’t last long. After a huge return from Daniel Manning, and an interference this time from the Vikings, Cutler threw another touchdown. Not an interception. Further and further off from that record - closer and closer to looking like the Jay Cutler the Bears traded for at the beginning of the season.

Then, just about the time I was thinking that, it happened. Cutler tried to force a pass on third down, into double coverage. And it was picked. And, to make it worse, two Vikings had a chance to pick it off. If the intermediate player hadn’t caught it, waiting in his zone, the deep corner would have. Even as the interception happened, that second defender stepped in front of the wide receiver. It was a pass that never had a chance, and it gave the Vikings some life to start the fourth, down 23-13.



And then it became a firefight. Cutler threw a touchdown on one of the most beautiful passes I’ve ever seen out of him, just two plays after Favre brilliantly drove down and tied the game. That put the Bears back out by seven, and handed the Vikings a last shot at it. They drove down and got to a first and goal with a minute. The second and goal, third and goal on a short pass. A corner to Harvin, overthrown by a hair. Fourth down.

This was maybe the most epic moment in football - each time it happens, a fourth and goal with less than a minute is just something that is untouchable in terms of suspense and electricity. And here was Favre, the old gunslinger, under center.

Again, corner. This time to Rice.

Caught.

Touchdown.

And the game was tied. The Bears took a knee and it went to overtime.

I took a moment to compose myself. To think on it. I said at the beginning that it would be very ugly or very good, and it was very good. Both quarterbacks had been lights out; they’d looked great. The one interception by Cutler wasn’t good, but his three touchdowns more than made up for it - especially that last, which was just insanely good. It was everything Cutler has the potential to be consistently, if he can just take that next step. If he can just get himself mentally composed. If he can just become elite - and if he does, the Bears will be back in the Super Bowl. I’ll say it here, having watched that pass.

The Bears won the toss.

And Cutler did it again. His first play, his first throw, was perfect. A deep throw against the blitz, under the corner that was running hard to save the touchdown and overran the play. Three runs later they were on the twenty-seven. Game over, right? Nope. Robbie Gould, normally flawless, missed the kick. But the Vikings floundered and went three and out with two sacks, and the Bears had it again. One more chance.

Three and out.

About this point, I wondered if, somewhere, Donovan McNabb was wondering what would happen (http://sports.yahoo.com/nfl/blog/shutdown_corner/post/Donovan-McNabb-didn-t-know-that-NFL-games-could-?urn=nfl,122568) if this continued until there was no time left on the clock.

Then the Vikings fumbled. It’s been Peterson’s curse and it bit him again. He fumbled away and gave the Bears a short field and they used it at home to get the win. Cutler threw another touchdown, this time to Aromashodu, a beautiful deep bomb on first down, and it was all over. It was gutsy and it was epic and it was something Chicago fans can savor, because it doesn’t get much better.

Both gunslingers were great, but, tonight at least, football was a young man’s game.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

"'A Serious Man' is oddly, wonderfully exhilarating. The best film of 2009." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Are the Coen Brothers making movies or conducting symphonies of word and image? On the basic level, of course they are movies. However, to the observant filmgoer, one truly engaged in the work of the Coens, the symphony unfolds before them in remarkable movements that occur and recur over and over all the while deepening and expanding. It is a wonder to behold and in their latest masterpiece, “A Serious Man,” it is oddly, wonderfully exhilarating.



Ostensibly, we are watching a story about a put upon sad sack professor named Larry Gopnick. Poor Larry is stuck in a loveless marriage, could be on the verge of losing his job, has a pair of vile teen children, a lay about brother and a pair of neighbors each offering their own trouble.

From a linear perspective we watch as Larry seeks the advice of local religious leaders, five different Rabbis from his local synagogue. Four of the Rabbis offer quizzical expressions of support, the 5th refuses to see Larry for reasons that never become clear. Again, that is from a linear perspective. Taken from a more abstract perspective each scene in “A Serious Man” offers dialogue that rises and falls, repeats and remits, furthers the story but doesn't. Moving the story along isn't so much the purpose as presenting dialogue and image that will eventually coalesce to an outlandish but highly effective crescendo.

Though the soundtrack bubbles with 70's rock standards from Hendrix to Santana to a special focus on Jefferson Airplane, the true musical expression of “A Serious Man” is as a symphony, a 104 minute epic symphony rising and falling, quiet then suddenly uproarious. It's a stunningly complex rhythm that few other filmmakers could match or even attempt.



The rhythm of a Coen Brothers movie requires an actor who can without question give himself over to the Coen style. Broadway veteran Michael Stuhlbarg does just that finding the perfect pitch for Larry Gopnick. Never over-playing Larry’s sadness while nailing his general apoplexy, Stuhlbarg captures the complexity of the Coen’s script while making Larry a simple, Jewish everyman whose life is suddenly one bad turn after another.

Much has been made of the Jewish aspect of “A Serious Man.” I cannot speak to the authenticity of how the faith is portrayed. I can tell you that Larry is a faithful man who even in his darkest moments, even as Rabbis repeatedly offer him little to know comfort from his problems, never turns against his faith. Judaism like everything else in “A Serious Man” is one of many repeated verses. It rises and falls on the Coen’s masterful melody.

For those who are not fans of the Coen Brothers, those who haven’t pored over the catalogue as I have and seen each film on multiple occasions, you may need to see “A Simple Man” more than once to get what I am talking about here. Fans of the Coens however, will absolutely flip for this coalescence of the Coen’s style into its most pure form.

“A Serious Man” is the synthesis of a style the Coen’s have cultivated since “Raising Arizona.” It’s a style they nearly perfected in “The Big Lebowski.” Listen to the dialogue, the ways in which it repeats throughout the film is intentional and each line is part of a bigger whole that won’t come clear right away. It’s not the lines themselves, taken individually they may be quite ordinary lines, but as they are reprised they blend into a whole that is very much like music.

Oh what wonderful music it is. “A Serious Man” is a symphony that works on multiple levels, a hypnotic rhythm, elegant reprises, humorous rises, dramatic falls, all the way to a biblical crescendo that, abrupt as it is, is really the only way it could end. “A Serious Man” is the best film of 2009.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"From 'Up in the Air' to 'A Serious Man.' These are the top 10 movies of 2009."

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Every year for the past 10 years I have written my ten best of the year and every year there are far more than 10 films I absolutely love. So, as is custom, the runners up, the films that were but a hairs breadth from making this list themselves. The honorable mentions in no particular order: “Taking Woodstock, The Hangover, The Informant!, Up, In the Loop, The Cove, Coraline, It Might Get Loud, Sugar, Star Trek, Food Inc., The Taking of Pelham 123, State of Play, Trucker, Bronson, Broken Embraces, Police Adjective, The Last Station and Invictus.”



And now on to the list.....

10. The Hurt Locker: The Hurt Locker is a visceral, physical, film going experience that will have you twisting in your seat, holding your breath and begging for the air to come back into the room. It is a fierce and ferocious film of that will leave you spent by the end. The walk from the theater is likely to be a somber one, but with the reward being a movie experience like few others.

9. Inglorious Basterds: Wildly violent, irreverent and strangely humorous, Inglorious Basterds re-imagines World War 2 history with the kind of blood and guts guile that only Tarantino could muster.

8. Observe and Report: Director Jody Hill's Observe and Report is the most daring and underrated films of 2009. This seeming mall cop comedy, minus Paul Blart, is Taxi Driver re-imagined as a tragi-comic suburban mall security guard. Seth Rogan stashes the stoner charm in favor of a bull-headed determined man-child and his performance walks a razors edge, as the whole movie does, of being terribly, offensively, over the top dark. With each scene Director Hill and star Rogan add a layer of outrageous behavior that threatens to tip the balance into something beyond offensive and by the end you cannot believe what they have pulled off.

7. The Girlfriend Experience: Another sensational year for Steven Soderbergh. You may have noticed his The Informant! in my honorable mentions for this list. What made me choose The Girlfriend Experience over The Informant! for this list? It was the stunning performance of real life porn star Sasha Grey. Ms. Grey delivers a complex mix of ingénue and whore that really no other actress could accomplish. Ms. Grey and Mr. Soderbergh take you inside this woman’s world in hypnotic fashion through her performance and his remarkable use of digital photography that for the first time in Mr. Soderbergh’s many experiments, doesn’t feel showy or over pretentious.



6. Up in the Air: Writer George Will flippantly called Up in the Air ‘Grapes of Wrath for the service industry.’ He’s not entirely wrong. Where that book and film defined a movement toward social justice coming out of the Great Depression, inside the romance of Up in the Air is an inkling of a cry for a just truce between greedy corporate titans and the humans they refer to as resources. It is only an inkling, this is still a modern, big star, Hollywood production, just one with a big beating heart for those who are struggling.

5. Away We Go: After the remarkably bad Revolutionary Road and the terribly overblown Jarhead, I was convinced that Director Sam Mendes was lost forever; wandering in the world of pretentious sadness. Then, seemingly out of the blue, Mendes found his sense of humor and made Away We Go a sweet, sensitive hipster romance that cruises along on a vibe all its own. John Krasinski and Maya Rudolf are the year's sweetest couple and if by the end you aren't convinced you know a version of this couple in real life, I feel bad for you. I know these people. I love these people.

4. Adventureland: The words 'from the director of Superbad' were the death knell for Adventureland. It made audiences believe they were getting another bombastic, curse frenzied, laugh a minute riot. In fact, audiences were getting so much more, a smart, sensitive romance of wit and subtle charm. Director Greg Mattola's hazy; 80's paean to summer’s spent lolling about in a menial job will evoke, in the willing audience, nostalgia for even the lamest of summer gigs. The film is so laid back that you cannot help but succumb to the quiet charm that by the end becomes a romantic longing fulfilled.

3. I have never been a fan of Peter Jackson. I loathed The Lord of the Rings movies. Yes, I admit, there are visual treasures in those films, but to me, the clumsy enterprise was a chore to endure. You can imagine then that I wasn't looking forward to Jackson's latest effort, the Alice Sebold adaptation The Lovely Bones. What a revelation. Jackson crafts a story in The Lovely Bones that is part tragedy, part mystery and part art film. Saorise Ronan, so irritating in Atonement, is perfectly cast as the face and voice of innocence lost while Stanley Tucci transforms terrifyingly into the face of evil. Add in a score by Brian Eno and you get something nearing perfection, at least for those of us not in fealty to Alice Sebold's best seller.

2. 500 Days of Summer: 500 Days of Summer is smart and sweet and in the performance of Joseph Gordon Levitt it has a beautiful, battered, beating heart. Levitt and director Webb play out his memories as embellished facts. The highs are extremely high and the lows are a little more in tune because the sadness is new and easier to recall correctly. 500 Days of Summer is a remarkably intelligent examination of one man's most significant relationship. The exaggerated highs and lows and how one comes to terms with the pain and sadness of losing something that meant so much to them. What a fabulous, fabulous movie.

1. Coen Brothers fans know that you must watch a Coen's movie more than once before you get the full experience. The third time I watched The Big Lebowski it became my favorite movie of all time. Repeat viewings of No Country For Old Men, Fargo and even Burn After Reading reveal new pleasures with each viewing. That will, no doubt, be the case with A Serious Man. For the Coen Brothers A Serious Man may be their magnum opus. The film takes the lyrical, subtext heavy style of the Coen's to its most extreme place yet and becomes something akin to a grand symphony of words and images. Though ostensibly a telling of the story of Job with a Jewish leading man, what should come clear on repeat viewings is how the Coen's weave words and images into something that goes beyond traditional storytelling.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"'Sherlock Holmes' is a machine built to create a franchise and on this lowly task it is supremely successful." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

I am aware of “Sherlock Holmes” by pop culture reputation only. I have not read the novels or seen any of the films starring Basil Rathbone, the actor who I am told is the definitive Holmes on screen. My only exposure to the character is through pop cultural osmosis, references made by countless other outlets. I mention this because many others seem to find director Guy Richie's take on the legendary character offensive in some way related to their feelings for what is known of the character.



I can compare it, in a slightly odd way, to how I feel about the faux vampires of “Twilight.” In my opinion they aren't really vampires. They walk around during the day, they play baseball, they are about as menacing as a bag of declawed kittens, and they are NOT vampires. I am tied to the classic version of vampires and admittedly it creates a bias. I have no such bias for or against “Sherlock Holmes.”

Robert Downey Jr. stars as Sherlock Holmes who, as we join a chase in progress, is running to some sort of showdown. Along with his faithful sidekick Dr. Watson (Jude Law), Holmes has uncovered a secret society that is in the midst of a ritual sacrifice when Holmes and Watson arrive. A brawl ensues, the fair maiden is rescued and the murderous Lord Blackwood (go to bad guy Mark Strong) is apprehended.

Case closed? Hardly. The capture and eventual hanging of Lord Blackwood were all part of Blackwood's devious plot. As he tells a skeptical Holmes, he plans on resurrecting himself and leading a plot to take over the world, restoring England to the status of a world power under his leadership.

Meanwhile, Dr. Watson who has lived and worked with Holmes for years is set to move on. He has met a woman, Mary (Kelly Reilly), and is going to marry her, even if Holmes stands opposed to the idea, which is somewhat unclear but a fun source of tension for the bickering partners.



Back to the plot: On the night of Lord Blackwood's execution, after he confesses his plot to Holmes, Lord Blackwood does rise from the grave causing a massive panic in London. It's up to Holmes and a reluctant Watson to figure out how Blackwood pulled off the resurrection and stop him before he launches his takeover of the country.

Also employed in this plot is Irene Adler (Rachel McAdams), the one woman ever to draw Holmes' attention away from sleuthing. She comes back to London with a mysterious benefactor who remains in the shadows but will no doubt play an important role in future sequels.

And really, isn't that all we can expect from “Sherlock Holmes,” a table setter for future sequels. Honestly, if you were looking for anything other than the beginning of a franchise you were on a fool's errand. “Sherlock Holmes” is a machine built to create a franchise and on this lowly task it is supremely successful.

The bantering between stars Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. has the potential for greatness, in sequels. The action direction that director Guy Richie takes these characters in shows potential that could flower in future sequels or become supremely irritating, wait and see. As for this Sherlock, it's like a starter kit for people like me who know Sherlock only by reputation but know the work of Downey and director Guy Richie like old friends.

There is a homey sort of professionalism to the work of both Downey and Richie. They are working at such a level of comfort together that things are at once pitched perfectly to create this character for future sequels and find enough friendly charm in this movie to make you want to see that sequel. Sure, you're being fleeced but in such a fond way, you don't mind so much.

“Sherlock Holmes” is never anything more than the beginning of a business arrangement between friends. Guy Richie, Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law pitch you these characters, their funny banter and the idea of “Sherlock Holmes,” action hero, and you sit idle witnessing it and welcoming it. You are agreeing that the sequel is why we are all here and that this is just the pitch.

This will be unsatisfying for some, but for those disposed to the charms of those involved, you won't mind at all. “Sherlock Holmes” is a welcome introduction to a character and his future endeavors yet to be brought to the screen. If this idea doesn't offend you, you are just the audience “for Sherlock Holmes.”


BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

“Tiger Woods was voted the athlete of the naughties. Plus other cool things of the decade.”

By Melvin Durai

It’s hard to believe that a whole decade has passed and we still don’t know what to call it. That’s a big problem for music companies, which sold millions of CDs with titles such as “Pop Hits of the ’80s” and “Dance Hits of the ’90s,” but just haven’t sold many copies of “Hip-Hop Hits of the ???”



Should we call it the ‘zeroes’ or the ‘ohs’ or the ‘naughts’? Many people seem to like the term ‘naughties’ or ‘noughties,’ but I think that would be too confusing.

Man: “Did you know that Tiger Woods was voted the athlete of the naughties?”

Woman: “Big surprise! Next you’ll be telling me that Donald Trump was voted the sugar daddy of the beauties.”

Whatever you call it, one thing is certain: it was a decade that changed the world in ways we couldn’t have imagined in the ’80s and ’90s. Perhaps the biggest change came in technology: everything went wireless and digital, allowing a man driving his car in New York City to take a photo of a plane making an emergency landing in the Hudson River and send it instantly to his children in the backseat. It saved him the trouble of shouting, “Hey kids, stop texting for a second and look at this!”

The Internet was a mere infant at the turn of the century, still crawling around and barely connecting with the world. But just look at it now – it’s an out-of-control teenager speeding down the highway in a borrowed car, the backseat full of “friends” from all over the world, including the guy from Azerbaijan who speaks only one word of English: “LOL.”



Thanks to the Internet, we can chat with our “mates” in Australia, play games with our “amigos” in Mexico, and arrange money transfers with our “partners” in Nigeria. We can date online, find a mate online, and complain about their weight online. We can read publications from all over the world, share our opinions on scores of websites, and search for vital information, such as “Megan Fox pics” and “Is Freida Pinto single?” We can blog and tweet and update, letting everyone in the world know what’s on our minds – or even what’s on our behinds. Buying a new pair of jeans is something worth sharing, not just with a tweet and status update, but also a YouTube video.

It was a decade of technology, but also of tragedy: thousands lost their lives on 9/11, and tens of thousands during the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. Terrorism also claimed innocent lives on 7/11, 11/26 and other days. And who can forget the tragedy of December 2004, when a tsunami wiped out the equivalent of an entire city, causing President George W. Bush to consider, for at least a week, whether to declare a “War on Tsunamis.”

Bush left office on Jan. 20, 2009, which, for many, was ample reason to celebrate. But they had an even bigger reason to celebrate, thanks to the new occupant of the White House. For the first time in its history, America had elected a Kenyan-American as president, giving hope to Tanzanian-Americans and Ugandan-Americans.

African-Americans as a whole were filled with joy, as were many other people all over the world, celebrating an outcome that seemed unimaginable just a couple of years earlier. "I don't believe it, I just don't believe it," an 80-year-old French man shouted, tears streaming down his cheeks. "I never thought America would elect such an intelligent man!"

The economic downturn affected many families, leaving some homeless and others cutting back drastically. Even bank executives were affected, forced to downsize to 50-foot “economy” yachts. Some were even spotted drinking American wine. Nevertheless, it was a good decade, all things considered, and the next decade will be even better. Especially if we can think of a name for it.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.

"Artie Lange's 'Jack and Coke' is raw and offensive, and hilarious." – CD Review.

By Jason Tanamor

Artie Lange, comedian, actor and radio personality, is back in the spotlight with his first ever CD release titled, “Jack and Coke.” If you know anything about the comedian, you’ll know that Lange lives on the edgy side with alcohol and drugs. He also likes to offend people with his material. And although this may not be the life for you, it’s what makes Lange one of the funniest comedians working today.



In “Jack and Coke,” Lange is quick to offend listeners by opening with, “I’m glad Heath Ledger is dead so now I can get more movie roles.” He goes into the homosexual scene in “Brokeback Mountain,” and how Ledger should have warned Gyllenhaal’s character by telling him that he’s gay and going to fuck him. Lange says, “Where are the hot girls in this Western? There are no gay Cowboys except for Tony Romo.” Lange is quick to recant his words for fear of a lawsuit. This, however, leads into a hilarious bit about Romo’s relationship with Jessica Simpson, whom the comedian blames for breaking up the boy band 98 Degrees.

Lange doesn’t let down from here either. He goes on about being a fat cokehead, and keeping on the same note, anti-drug campaigns, saying that his favorite slogan was “hugs are better than drugs.” “Hugs are NOT better than drugs. I never drove four hours to Harlem to get hugs.”

The rest of the CD is a culmination of all things offensive. The comedian goes on about hating Tom Brady because he is a good looking guy and good at sports, to which Lange insists that if you have both of these qualities, you have the best life ever. “How could Brady’s life be better? I can’t see him eating out Gisele Bundchen and a million dollars coming out of her pussy. If only everything valuable came out of there. There’s a Mickey Mantle rookie card in mint condition. And it smells like Gisele Bundchen’s pussy. There’s a Golden Globe award in there. And Gisele says, ‘Leonardo DiCaprio must have left it in there.’”



Just when you think “Jack and Coke” can’t get any funnier and over the top, Lange throws in a bit about Barack Obama beating Hillary Clinton. “I haven’t rooted for a black man to beat a white woman so bad since Dennis Rodman dated Madonna.”

To keep up with the offensive nature, Lange talks about hosting the Academy Awards. If he did, he would want to be edgy. “I’d see Tom Cruise kissing Katie Holmes and ask, “Katie, how’s John Travolta’s dick taste?” Lange indirectly implies what people talk about all the time being that Tom Cruise is a homosexual. “Cruise is jumping up on Oprah’s couch telling her he’s fucking Katie Holmes. That’s not how you act if you’re fucking a hot chick. All I’m saying is, ‘act like you’ve been there before.’”

The CD, which runs almost 80 minutes in length, never lets up. This is the case when Lange goes on about being a gay dude. “I would only get blowjobs from Arab dudes so there would always be a towel to wipe my dick off afterward.” At this time, an Arab guy in the crowd yells out and Lange says, “Are you an Arab dude? I’m joking, I love you. I made a bomb once too – it was called “Dirty Work.””

“Jack and Coke” is not for everyone, especially if you’re easily offended. However, if you’re into the Howard Stern-like material, where Lange got his start, then I would recommend this CD. You never know, it could have come out of Gisele Bundchen’s pussy.



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'It's Complicated' is formula romance in the best possible fashion." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Director Nancy Meyers has cornered the market in romantic comedies exploring the love lives of older women and the flawed men who love them. She created the template with her “Something’s Gotta Give.” Now with “It’s Complicated” starring the radiant Meryl Streep, Meyers has perfected her easygoing formula romance.



Streep stars as Jane, a 50-something divorcee preparing for her last child to leave the nest. Meanwhile, she is still dealing with her divorce some ten years later. Her ex-husband Jerry (Alec Baldwin) left her for a much younger woman (Lake Bell in a thankless, under-written villain role) but remains a part of her life.

On a trip to New York for the graduation of her son, Jane finds herself alone in a bar with Jerry when some of the old sparks flare up. The two end up in bed together and at the beginning of, no kidding, an affair. Jane is cheered on in the affair by her circle of girlfriends, including Rita Wilson, Mary Kay Place and Alexandra Wentworth, who love the idea of her getting a little revenge on the younger woman.

As the affair heats up Jane finds another opportunity for romance in Allan (Steve Martin). He is her architect, planning a new kitchen for her already fabulous home. The way he seems to know everything she wants sparks first a friendship and then a romance that is threatened by her dalliance with Jerry and Jerry’s growing new love for his old flame.

The title offers the idea that these two romances will offer something ‘complicated’ but there is nothing much complicated at all in Nancy Meyers’ very simple, straight-forward narrative that sets characters on very particular paths and leads them to easy conclusions and warm, easygoing laughs.



“It’s Complicated” is formula romance in the best possible fashion. It does not reinvent the genre but it does deliver the formula in such a charming fashion that you eagerly forgive the familiarity. The goodwill stems from a cast filled with charmers and led by the legendary Meryl Streep.

It is one of the more remarkable stories of the decade; how Meryl Streep has evolved from respected actress to respected box office superstar. At an age where other actresses are searching for work, Streep has become a bigger star than she was when she was repeatedly being nominated for the industry’s highest awards.

“It’s Complicated” will likely join “Mamma Mia” and “The Devil Wears Prada” as massive hits and it is due to Streep’s wonderfully relaxed star power. Her ease with every role allows audiences to settle in with her, their sympathies won over by Streep’s mere presence. While the appeal is fairly limited to women in her age range, it is quite a thing that she has brought so many of them to the box office.

Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin provide ideal foils for Ms. Streep’s radiance. Baldwin hasn’t been this winning on the big screen since his role as a fallen star in David Mamet’s “State and Main.” As for Martin, he continues to cultivate the sensitive good guy persona he copped in the otherwise execrable “Shopgirl.”

“It’s Complicated” is formula romance done right. Played out with style and professionalism by a terrific set of leads, “It’s Complicated” is the perfect balance of romance and comedy for empty nesters searching for a movie just for them.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"Antonio Banderas, Kate Hudson, and Fergie could not stop 'Nine' musical from being a shambling disaster." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

The musical “Nine” starring Antonio Banderas is a middling attempt to bring Federico Fellini to the masses. Italy's legendary surrealist director has, since his turn to surrealism after successfully defining Italian cinema and culture in the 1950's, been a mystery to most.



Creative types have always felt they understood what the Italian master was after and Maury Yeston, who wrote the music for the Broadway production, was apparently one of those creative types; so much so that he felt the need to water down Fellini with tired song and dance and a three act structure.

Now, Yeston's watered down work becomes a slightly more sophisticated but still wrongheaded movie musical. Oscar winner Rob Marshall is the latest to see the need to explain Fellini's genius to the great unwashed and like Yeston, he is a fabulous failure.

The story of “Nine” surrounds Italian director Guido Contini (Daniel Day Lewis) who, pushed by his producer, is about to begin production of his latest film “Italia.” This is despite the fact that he hasn't written a word of the script. Guido has lost his inspiration and calls upon the many muses of his past to bring a story to mind.

These muses include his wife Luisa (Marion Cotillard), his mistress Carla (Penelope Cruz), his late mother (Sophia Loren), his long time star, Claudia (Nicole Kidman) and a prostitute (pop princess Fergie) who taught him and his friends a little of the birds and bees decades ago. Meanwhile, he seeks advice from his best friend and costume designer Lilli (Judi Dench) and a little ego stroke, among other things, from a journalist named Stephanie (Kate Hudson).

Each of these women offer Guido a song or two, belting out their inner monologues, mostly about what a genius he is, save Luisa who calls him out for the bastard philanderer he truly is. If you have always held the impression that directors are self involved egotists, these songs, this film, will do little to disabuse you of that notion.



“Nine” is a shambling disaster for most of its run time. We are informed from the first moment that Guido is a genius but he is never required to demonstrate any kind of genius. When Lewis gives him voice for the first time he might explain a little about Guido but it's hard to hear over the gales of laughter elicited when his Italian accented singing is compared, not so favorably, to Jason Segal's singing Dracula puppet in “Forgetting Sarah Marshall.”

The rest of the cast is far stronger in singing with Cotillard, naturally, the stand-out, who won an Oscar for her portrayal of Edith Piaf in “La Vien Rose” and proves again to be a natural singer. Kate Hudson is the surprise of the singers. Hudson has the film's one original song, “Cinema Italiano,” and it is the one really lively moment in the film, if not the most coherent or necessary.

Rob Marshall dismisses narrative coherence for a series of Guido's masturbatory fantasies, interrupted from time to time by his wife and a little Catholic guilt. Every woman in the film is asked to bow to his brilliance and their bowing is treated as evidence of his genius. Yet, never once does Guido have to prove his brilliance. This might not be a problem if Daniel Day Lewis gave Guido any dimension beyond a tortured libido.

Speaking of tortured, for a movie about Fellini, whose fanciful work included clowns, strolling musicians and endless parades, “Nine” tends toward a dirge. From Day Lewis's tortured “Guido's Song” opener to the feature tune “Be Italian,” sung by Fergie, the songs of “Nine” are a slog. “Be Italian” sounded rather brilliant in the film's exceptional trailer but in the film it becomes not a celebration of Italian culture but a command from a taskmistress.

“Be Italian” is a major misstep from Director Marshall who fumbles not just the song, staged a little too much like something from his far better musical “Chicago,” but the back story. Fergie's prostitute is a turning point in the life of Guido Contini, a moment that shaped the way he treated women the rest of his life. Yet, do we see Fergie getting sexy and giving young Guido a truly formative memory? No, instead we cut from Marshall’s lame staged song to scenes of Fergie cavorting with child Guido and pals like a slightly creepy babysitter.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"Want to sue Tiger Woods for racial discrimination?"

By Jason Tanamor

If you are an Asian-American woman who is offended because Tiger Woods only cheats on his wife with white women, then join the Asian American Federation for Equal Opportunity in a class action lawsuit against the golfer.

Spearheaded by comedian Esther Ku, this satirical PSA takes a look at the ridiculousness of the Tiger Woods mistress scandal.









BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Up in the Air' is a modern, big star, Hollywood production, just one with a big beating heart for those who are struggling." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

It's a horrifying idea but I am told it is for real. Companies actually do hire people to fire employees for them. It's bad enough losing your job but to have the people you have given your hard work and dedication to for however many years hand you off to someone else on the worst moment of your career is a disgusting thought.



George Clooney gives life to one of these specters of death in a snappy suit, a pamphlet for a sickle, and you would think he would be a villain. What a stunner it is to find this man sympathetic, charming and of all things lovable. With the aid of Director Jason Reitman and a pair of spectacular leading ladies, Clooney caps a remarkable decade with, arguably its, and his, defining film.

In “Up in the Air” George Clooney plays Ryan Bingham, a man who takes pride in spending some 330 days of the year traveling. He has a semblance of a home, a tidy bachelor hovel in Omaha, near the corporate headquarters of the company he works for but rarely sees. It is Ryan's job to fly in to cities across the country, visit some no name corporate outlet and do the boss's dirty work - firing people.

Ryan is very good at his job, occasionally he's actually soothing which given the circumstance is a triumph. Ryan doesn't love his job, though when asked he can romanticize and defend it. What he truly loves is the travel which allows him the comfort he's never found at home. In passing relations with fellow travelers and the faux kindness of the service industry professionals he encounters Ryan finds the kinds of relationship he's never achieved with just one person. Simple relationships unencumbered by emotion or instability.

Naturally, all of Ryan's notions are soon challenged. The first challenge is personal; on a layover in some airline lounge, he strikes up a conversation with Alex (Vera Farmiga) over her choice of Blackberry. The conversation soon turns to travel, rental cars, hotel upgrades and all of the things both truly cherish. He tells her he has a goal for airline miles but refuses to tell her what it is; that for him is too personal.

The second challenge is professional and arrives in the form of Natalie (Anna Kendrick), an up-and-comer from the home office in Omaha who has a plan that will take Ryan off the road and strand him in Nebraska. She wants to fire people over a computer link up and the honchos, led by a less than convincing Jason Bateman, are ready to back the idea. In defending his way of doing things Ryan inadvertently ends up with Natalie as his protégé and traveling partner as he teaches her how to do his job.



Jason Reitman and Sheldon Turner tell a two track story that coalesces in one spectacular series of scenes that includes gate-crashing a computer convention and an appearance by rapper Young MC. These scenes show Ryan and Alex falling in love while young Natalie unwittingly challenges each of their notions about whom they are and why they are attracted to one another. This happens as she mourns the loss of the only relationship she has known in her own life.

These scenes are a celebration and a warning and as the film plays out its strong, smart and pitch perfect ending it is these scenes that will resonate deeply.

Of course, the scenes that will strike a chord with 2009 audiences are scenes featuring real people who went through the pain of being fired during the bailout crisis and recession of this late portion of the decade. Director Reitman hired real people who had lost their jobs to take part in these scenes and the pain in their voices as they talk about the loss of their jobs is exceptionally powerful.

The firing sessions give the film weight and allow the romance to blossom around them in unexpected ways. Scenes with actors Zach Galifianakis and Reitman favorite J.K Simmons provide the visual link between the film world and the real world. Without Galifianakis and Simmons, among others, the transition between worlds would be too jarring. It’s among many smart choices in this terrifically smart film.

In the end, “Up in the Air” is a film about connections - literal and figurative. The unique ways in which Ryan Bingham’s personal and professional lives connect are at the heart of a film that may not strive to define the last decade of American culture but in many ways does. From our current economic uncertainty, to our ever more casual sexuality, to our changing attitude about infidelities and modern obsessions with gadgetry, “Up in the Air” offers a modest comment on each and does so with style, wit, a little romance and never feels arrogant or overblown doing it.

Writer George Will flippantly called “Up in the Air” ‘Grapes of Wrath for the service industry.’ He’s not entirely wrong. Where that book and film defined a movement toward social justice coming out of the Great Depression, inside the romance of “Up in the Air” is an inkling of a cry for a just truce between greedy corporate titans and the humans they refer to as resources. It is only an inkling; this is still a modern, big star, Hollywood production, just one with a big beating heart for those who are struggling.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"Tiger Woods, Kanye West and David Letterman carry us into 2010."

By Jason Tanamor

With the year 2009 winding down, many surprising (Tiger Woods and David Letterman) and not so surprising (Kanye West) events have hit the entertainment world with a storm. Namely, and most recently, the Tiger Woods’ mediocre-looking mistress scandal. Let’s face it, Tiger’s wife Elin is a lot prettier than any of the mistresses that have allegedly come out.



To honor those who made news in entertainment and want to see their name transcend into 2010, Zoiks! Online has compiled a list of trendy new sayings that can be used in everyday life.

Balloon Boy – If you remember, the balloon boy supposedly was a boy in a big Jiffy Pop looking apparatus that caught national attention for flying around Colorado. What actually happened appeared to be a hoax.

So, the next time there is a hoax, you can say, “Man, that guy tried to balloon boy me out of my money.”



Jay Leno – Leno pretty much got kicked off the “Tonight Show” for Conan O’Brien. Only, instead of O’Brien actually hosting the “Tonight Show,” he hosted “Late Night with Conan O’Brien” at an earlier time and called it the “Tonight Show.”

So, the next time you lose your job for a different, younger person, you can say, “Man, that guy Jay Leno’d me.”



Jon Gosselin – Jon Gosselin has like a million kids. We saw them on TV. He also has a crazy ex-wife. Now they are divorced.

So, the next time you get divorced, you can say, “Man, I just Jon Gosselin’d that bitch.”



Chris Brown – Brown beat the crap out of his then girlfriend, Rihanna. We know he’s a turd.

So, the next time you beat up your girlfriend, you can say, “Man, I just Rihanna’d that bitch. And when I finished Rihanna-ing her, I Jon Gosselin’d her.”



Carrie Prejean – Carrie was Ms. California. She was then runner up for Miss USA. Some people, mainly Perez Hilton, believe she lost Miss USA because she had an “opinion” about homosexuals.

So, the next time you have something to say about homosexuals, you can say, “Man, that homosexual just got Carrie Prejean’d.”



Oprah – Oprah is the biggest TV star ever. Now she’s giving it up. Although she has a long way toward retirement, Oprah believes this is the right decision.

So, the next time you say good-bye, you can say, “Man, that guy all of a sudden Oprah’d us.”



Kanye West – West is crazy. He interrupted Taylor Swift’s acceptance speech. For no reason other than he thought Beyonce had the best video.

So, the next time someone interrupts you when you’re talking, you can say, “Man, you just Kanye West’d me.”



David Letterman – Letterman slept with a few of his female staffers. Then he was the victim of an extortion case.

So, the next time someone tries to extort you, you can say, “Man, that guy just David Letterman’d me.”



Tiger Woods – Tiger, apparently likes to chase tail. He proved it when his so-called accident evolved into a mistress hunt that involved the kind of attractive to the “really – no seriously?”

So, the next time you cheat on your spouse, you can say, “Man, I just Tiger Woods’d my wife.”



Chicago Cubs – If you had high expectations for the year but they didn’t pan out like you thought, you can say you Chicago Cubbed it. Don’t worry, this will work the next year as well.



If you have any of your own, post them here in the comments section. Happy New Year and let’s say Oprah to 2009.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

"'Police, Adjective' works fine on its own as a brilliant work from a brilliant writer-director." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

The title “Police, Adjective” is instructive. The movie from Romanian writer-director Cornelieu Porumboiu is as much about police as it is about descriptive words. While ostensibly a flatfoot procedural about a detective on trail of a possible drug dealer, the film comes down to one terrific semantic debate about right and wrong.



Cristi (Dragos Bucur) is a young police detective in a tiny Romanian village where one can assume there isn't that much crime. Why else would he spend eight days on the case of three teenagers whose crime is smoking hashish? Nevertheless, Cristi goes diligently about his work, first following one then another of the teens and meticulously documenting his findings.

Cristi is avoiding the chief of detectives because he knows that he will advise a sting operation to catch the teens in the act. Through his investigation Cristi has come to see this as entirely unnecessary. For one thing, hashish is unlikely to remain illegal much longer in Romania as the continent of Europe seems ready to make it legal. Romania is one of the last holdouts and the one with the most severe punishments.

The case is founded on one of the teens, whom Cristi calls Squealer, real name Alex, tattling on his pal Victor as payback for Victor gaining the romantic attention of the third teen, a girl named Doina. Alex is unaware that the crime he is putting his friend up for is actually defined as supplying drugs, not merely possession, and could land him in prison for nearly 8 years.

Cristi cannot carry the destruction of young Victor's life over something as meaningless as a joint. All of this leads to a showdown with his officious, bullying and startlingly brilliant chief of detectives Anghelache (Vlad Ivanov), who doesn't care for Cristi's crisis of conscience or his feelings about the trends of law in Europe. Angheleche is by the book and much of the scene hinges on a book, a dictionary and a series of specific definitions.



If that sounds dull to you I assure you that as filmed by Cornelieu Porumboiu it is far from dull. Admittedly, the plot is thin, much of the real fascination in “Police, Adjective” is in technique than in typical storytelling. The ways in which Poromboiu observes, wordlessly, with no score, Cristi merely observing, sometimes walking, sometimes just waiting, are striking in composition and clever camera movement.

Students of film will watch with rapt attention the ways in which Poromboiu signifies the important players with minor, unspoken details. We observe the teens just as Cristi does. The lack of a distracting monologue or score invites us to make the same mental notes as Cristi, as if we too are investigating. It bonds us with him and makes more resonant the scenes when he isn't investigating, scenes involving his home life with his new wife.

These scenes are observed with all of the noise of daily life, the TV, music and such, all the noise not present during Cristi's endless hours observing his suspects. The scenes with Cristi's wife are punctuated with a pair of resonant conversations that become important subtext to the film's third act, Cristi's showdown with Anghelache.

“Police, Adjective” is a fascinating film, at once an experiment in the language of film and of language period. It also functions as commentary on state repression through law and a cry against the abuse of the law. In America one could compare what likely happened to poor Victor with the victims of so called Mandatory Minimum laws, in which offenders have spent endless years in jail over what are minor offenses. A smart American filmmaker might use “Police, Adjective” as a great jumping off point for a work in that vein.

“Police, Adjective,” of course, works just fine on its own as a brilliant work from a brilliant writer-director.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

“The Cincinnati Bengals honor Chris Henry even in loss.”

By Jonathan Schlosser

It’s been a heartrending week for the Cincinnati Bengals, with the passing of wide receiver Chris Henry early Thursday morning. Henry, who had reportedly cleaned up his act after previous troubles - including arrests and being cut from the Bengals - died after falling from a truck bed during a domestic dispute with his fiancé.



Things like this hit teams hard. The atmosphere in a locker room- that feeling of family - is something most people will never feel. These guys are close. They spend more time with each other than with their families. They need each other: football is the very definition of a team sport. And when one of them is lost, especially in a situation that is so desperately tragic, it really hits them.

Chad Ochocinco, a fellow wide receiver, took it especially hard. He wore Henry’s jersey at practice, something that might get him a fine from the commissioner, reportedly, though I hope the NFL isn’t so coldhearted as that. He talked about wearing it again during the game, but later changed his mind, saying that he didn’t want to become a distraction and that he would find a different way to honor his fallen teammate.

And he did, in the best way a football player can, by playing his heart out.

When he scored on a long touchdown catch in the first half, there were no antics. There were no jokes. There was none of the trademark humor that has marked Ochocinco since he entered the league. He just knelt in the end zone, unclipped his helmet, and looked at the sky. He looked and he pointed and everyone knew just who that touchdown was for.

The game was a thriller. Cincinnati fought back and tied it with a field goal right near the end, but Rivers and the Chargers came down to kick a field goal of their own, from 52 yards. There were only four seconds left and that was the game. Some would say it was a disappointing ending to the story, but I don’t think so. Because watching Chad kneel in the end zone, knowing that he played the game not for personal glory but for a friend, was wonderful to see. It was something there is not enough of in the NFL, and, win or lose, seeing the Bengals bring that attitude was a testament to the memory of Chris Henry.

Side Note: Fields Goals May be a Lost Art:

At least this week. Everyone missed them. For something usually so automatic, there were a rash of missed kicks and blocked kicks and botched snaps. Maybe it was the cold. Maybe it was the lateness of the season. Whatever the reason, tons of them were missed. It looked like everyone forgot how to block and snap and kick, all at once. Look next week for another rash: this time, a rash of firing of Special Teams coaches.

The Rest of the League:

Peyton Manning gives Indianapolis a chance to win any game. He is like Tim Tebow in Florida or Tyler Hansbrough in North Carolina - the heart of the team. And he gave the undefeated Colts what they needed on Thursday, shooting it out with Jacksonville to win and stay unbeaten, 35-31.

Wade Phillips may have saved his job Saturday night, when the Dallas Cowboys, in the midst of their usual December Slump, beat the previously undefeated New Orleans Saints. The Cowboys will have to make some noise in the playoffs in order for Phillips to stay, but he’s given them a very improbable win at a very opportune time. Cowboys won 24-17.

New England didn’t look that great, thought Randy Moss appeared to turn it on after last week’s allegations that he gave up. They beat Buffalo 17-10 to keep on rolling toward the playoffs despite not looking nearly like the Patriots of the last few years.

Joshua Cribbs did it again. Two kick returns for touchdowns - he set the NFL record with the first, then increased it with the second. The man is electric. The Browns ousted the Kansas City Chiefs, 41-34; they also continued their trend of winning when their quarterback is horrible, seeing as Quinn went 10-17 for 66 yards and no touchdowns. And two interceptions.

Atlanta wasn’t great and the New York Jets weren’t great, but the Falcons managed to win, 10-7. Sanchez cast more doubt on himself - or, at least, made it more obvious that he is a rookie - throwing three interceptions. And, to go along with the Side Note above, the Jets were responsible for three of those botched field goals.



St. Louis looked like they had a chance to win this one, but they just aren’t very good--save, of course, for Steven Jackson. They hung around, but ended up losing to the Houston Texans, 16-13.

Miami rallied brilliantly against the Tennessee Titans, coming back from a 24-6 deficit to push the game into overtime. They didn’t have quite enough magic, though, and Tennessee kicked a field goal to win the game. Both teams are now 7-7, keeping them just in that hunt.

The Detroit-Arizona game should have been a blowout, but give credit to the Lions for staying around. The highlight of the game had to be Delmas’ interception that he then took back a hundred yards for a touchdown. Arizona scored late though, and Detroit’s offense floundered, giving Arizona the win, 31-24.

The Baltimore Ravens, coming off the destruction of the Detroit Lions, clubbed the Chicago Bears 31-7. Jay Cutler threw an interception to a lineman. The Ravens have good linemen.

The Denver Broncos seemed to have everything in control against the Raiders, but managed to choke it away, giving up a touchdown with thirty seconds left to lose 20-19. Brandon Stokely wasn’t able to provide any circus touchdowns. This handed the division, officially, to the Chargers. It also may keep Denver out of the playoffs this year.

The Seahawks did not look good. Hasselbeck was picked off for the fourth time on a horrible throw at the end, and the Tampa Bay Bucs won, 24-7. They may have won the game, but they may have lost the first pick. Though the Browns and Chiefs also won, so they may be all right as far as the draft is concerned.

The Green Bay-Pittsburgh game was a firefight. There were surprise onside kicks, bombs with less than a minute to go, and almost 70 points hung on the board, combined. The Steelers put together a furious last-minute drive and Big Ben, with 503 yards, threw an insane touchdown--think last year’s Super Bowl--to the rookie Mike Wallace with no time left.

Is Brett Favre too old to play a whole season? When it was first suggested, I laughed. Now, I wonder. I think you have to wonder. Minnesota got smoked by Carolina, 26-7.

Monday Night Preview:

Well, I’m 0-2 so far on the Monday Night Preview, so hopefully I can get back toward .500 here. The game should be a pretty good one, with two clubs with a lot of history, the Redskins and the Giants, colliding in Washington. It’s been said that the NFC East is the best in the NFL, so that bodes well. And the Giants are behind but still racing with the Eagles and the Cowboys toward the end of this season, so they need the win--especially with Philly and Dallas winning this week.

That said, I’m taking Washington. They’ve been getting better, winning games and staying in tough ones, while the Giants have been getting worse. For some perspective, both teams have played the Denver Broncos, a pretty average team with eight wins. The Redskins beat the Broncos 27-17. The Giants lost on Thanksgiving Day, 26-6. For a while I felt this game was a toss-up, that the Giants had regressed and the Redskins had improved and they’d both arrived at about the same place. Then I remembered that the game is in Washington. Root for the home team and all that, so I say Washington takes it.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

“This is the car made for zombies, vampires, ghosts, or Tom Cruise.”

By Sean Leary

Welcome to the column for all carbon-based lifeforms. If you breathe oxygen, this is the one for you. And if you live on a planet, especially earth, well then, you've come to the right place.



Sorry, but I'm just following the new trend in advertising: Casting as absurdly wide a net as possible.

There used to be a time when products were advertised to a fairly specialized base. Each of them could be counted on to pander in their own unique way.

You'd have your commercials aimed at seniors where someone sincere who used to be on TV when it was still in black-and-white would give a testimonial to whatever product they were shilling. Said commercial ended with the person looking into the camera and intoning something to the effect of, "And you know why I, Wilfred Brimley, recommend Aunt Bea's Fiberrific Oatmeal? (Dramatic pause.) Because I eat it too."

Then there were the opposite extremes - the ads aimed at kids and adolescents. You'd get loud music, quick cuts, scenes of people skateboarding off the rails at the Grand Canyon, some cute, acne-free twentysomethings posing as teens and a voice-over guy yelling the merits of NEW! EXTREME! INSAAAAAAAANE! CHEET-OS!

Somewhere in between you had ads aimed at guys (which usually featured attractive women, or athletes giving a testimonial) or ads aimed at women (which usually featured attractive athletes, or women giving a testimonial).

But somewhere along the way, marketers, in their zeal to lure in customers, started to get increasingly desperate - and vague. One automobile company markets its SUV/minivan/whatever they're calling their human transport right now as "the car for life."



The car for life. Because so many of those other cars are made for zombies, vampires, ghosts, the traditionally dead, or Tom Cruise. I think most cars aside from the hearse are made for life, but maybe that's just me.

Then there's "the TV for men and women." I'm really glad they finally made one of those. I'd grown tired of having to share the tube with my dogs, who tend to want to watch "Lassie" and Animal Planet over and over again. And those electronics companies were so arrogant about ignoring we humans as well. Heck, RCA even blatantly rubbed it in our faces by making sets that were tailored to specific canines - Jack Russell terriers - and then to completely chap us, they put two of the condescending mutts in their logo.

But it's not just big ticket items getting the universal net treatment. I kid you not, this is a direct quote from the late night Colon Cleanse infomercial playing on TV right now: “Anyone who has an intestinal tract, AND anyone who eats, needs to watch this!”

Now THAT’S called targeting a very specific market. Boy, there are demographers out there that are seething with envy after hearing that. But there are always loopholes, and the hard-hitting questioners in the crowd of an infomercial can consistently be counted on to find them. I can imagine the exchange...

AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Uhhh, yeah, uhhh, I have an intestinal tract, but I don't eat. I manufacture nourishment through photosynthesis. Is Colon Cleanse still for me?”

PROGRAM SHILL: “Of course. Half-man, half-vegetable swamp things ALSO need to be detoxified on a regular basis.”

Cue star soaring across the screen trailing NBC Peacock rainbow bearing the slogan... “The More You Know...”

Although in that case, perhaps the less you know, the better. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this column for all readers. After all, I've got two jealous dogs to taunt and zombie hitchhikers to avoid.

BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.

"'Did You Hear About the Morgans?' is a bad 'been there, done that' movie." – Movie Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

Hugh Grant's usual charm combines with Sarah Jessica Parker doing a variation on her “Sex and the City” persona to craft an overly familiar romantic comedy in the uninspired “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” Directed by Marc Lawrence, this witless fish out of water story invites more scorn than it deserves as it limps to its conclusion.



The Morgans, Meryl (Parker) and Paul (Hugh Grant), split up several months ago. Paul cheated while on a business trip and Meryl rightly gave him the boot. Paul, despite his one time indiscretion, wants desperately to get his wife back or, at the very least, have dinner with her. When Meryl finally relents the two have an exceptionally awkward dinner followed by a walk in the rain that seems only to divide them further.

Unfortunately for both Morgans the walk ends with them witnessing a murder and, having got an up close look at the killer, they are now prime witnesses in a major murder case. How major? The feds want the Morgans in witness relocation. Over their repeated objections the Morgans are soon on a plane for Ray, Wyoming, a town that would comprise about two blocks of New York City.



The Morgans are welcomed by their new protectors, the town Sheriff Clay (Sam Elliott) and his deputy and wife Emma (Mary Steenburgen). Let the fish out of water fun commence! If by fun you mean listening to Meryl complain about everything that is not New York and watching Paul attempt to charm a grizzly bear into not eating him.

”Did You Hear About the Morgans?” was a bad movie from the moment that writer-director Marc Lawrence chose the hoary conceit that is witness protection. The ‘been there-done that’ factor of witness protection comedies is off the chart. Only the least inventive of filmmakers would attempt to plumb these depths. Then again, Marc Lawrence did write the script for both “Miss Congeniality” movies.

I could sit here and take potshots at “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” all day; that would be easy. The fact is, however, that even with the ancient plot device the film is somewhat pleasant in tone and Hugh Grant can still bring it even in the weakest, most familiar of roles. Yes, he could play Paul in his sleep and launch the same self-deprecating jibes but you will laugh at them.

You won't laugh loud, long or all that much but you will laugh and smile a few times during “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” Grant is a star whose ability to poke fun at himself seems an endless well of material. That said, the whole of “Did You Hear About the Morgans?” remains stale, predictable and not worth the price of a theater ticket.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

"Cockpit is on a 'Mission to Rock.'"

By Jason Tanamor

Bands with an ‘80’s sound are hard to come by nowadays. In fact, if you want to hear any music from that genre, you’d have to pop in an old Tesla or LA Guns CD. Thankfully, those who still crave solid guitar riffs with finesse driven solos have an option with the band Cockpit. The all girl metal band brings an updated “hair band” experience with its new album “Mission to Rock.”

Cockpit’s Linda Lou recently checked in to talk about the band’s history, sound and what it’s like to be a female rocker.



Q – Linda, thanks for doing this.

A - You are so very welcome.

Q – Give me the breakdown on how the four of you met?

A - Rachael (Rine) and I met at a party in Hollywood about seven years ago. She was trying to put a band together and I was about to move out to LA in hopes of doing the same thing. I wound up living on her couch for about a month while we started writing songs. We found Terrii (Kiing) through a Craigslist ad that read, "We love Judas Priest, and so should you!" We had a number of lead guitarists during the first few years until Rachael found Alicia (Blu) while snooping MySpace for female guitar players.

Q – What year did the band form?

A - 2003ish. I'm terrible with dates.

Q – Cockpit is an all female metal band. Was it your goal in mind to have an all female band or was this how it turned out?

A - We really wanted the band to be all female. It just seemed like a cool idea.

Q – How did the name Cockpit come about?

A – Taime (Downe) from Faster Pussycat came up with the name. We all pretty much loved it.

Q – I noticed that a lot of the band’s influences are from the ‘80’s hair band era. In fact, Cockpit’s sound is reminiscent of an ‘80’s metal band. Why did this era have so much of an effect on the band?

A - Because it rocks!



Q – I thought I read somewhere that you were only 26 years old, which would put you actually growing up in the ‘90’s era. How did bands like Aerosmith and Guns N’ Roses come into your life and why aren’t Nirvana and Alice in Chains influences to you?

A - I'm a couple years older than that, but yeah, I grew up in the '90s era of music, and to be honest, it didn't do too much for me. I liked Stone Temple Pilots a lot. I think I listened to Core about a million times when it came out. But for the most part I spent my teen years listening to the '80s rock that my older brother and sister exposed me to as a kid.

Q – Do you think women rockers get the same respect as men in the business?

A - Not at first. Definitely not. But after people see us play, that changes very quickly.

Q – I’ve heard a couple of the band’s songs and really like the sound. Being essentially a newer band, how much time is allocated to work than play? Is there a strict work schedule that the four of you abide by?

A - Nope. We pretty much just cram as much in as we can.

Q – I recently saw Tesla, Lita Ford and Queensryche live. It seems like a slew of ‘80’s bands are emerging as headlining acts again. Do you think with Cockpit’s sound that this is the right time for the four of you to make a splash?

A - I don't think it ever really went away. Those are all great bands with great songs. It's always time for people to hear that combination.

Q – Cockpit has a new EP coming out titled, “Mission to Rock.” Why an EP and not a full length album?

A - We released "Mission to Rock" completely on our own. It's just what we had the means to accomplish at that time. We're definitely working toward a full length release soon though.

Q – What are your favorite tracks on the EP?

A - Um. I'd have to say ALL OF THEM! Seriously, I love every song on the EP. That's why we chose those five out of everything we had at the time.

Q – What message does Cockpit want to convey to fans that are just discovering the band?

A - There are still bands out there that are writing songs with good melodies, cool guitar riffs, a chorus you can sing along to, and of course, guitar solos.

Q – OK, here’s the hard one. Sell me on why I should follow Cockpit’s career and not just think that you’re just another female band out there.

A - Because I've yet to see one that kills it like us. If I do say so myself.

Q - Anything you wanted to add?

A - Yes. Thank you for taking the time to check us out.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.