Monday, December 22, 2008

"What to do with a 97-year-old fruitcake."

By Melvin Durai

Around this time of year, Christmas cake or fruitcake can be found in almost every grocery store in North America - and in many other parts of the world. Some people even go to the trouble of making it at home. "Fruitcake is like no other treat," a 78-year-old Chicago woman said. "I like to serve it to my guests at Christmas. And when they've left, I put it back in the box for next year."



Though I've often made jokes about it, I do buy fruitcake occasionally, especially when I'm trying to get my kids to eat something. "You'd better eat your vegetables," I say, "or I'll make you eat some fruitcake." It works like a charm.

The fruitcake does eventually get eaten. When you're hungry, you can't be too picky. At least that's what I say to the neighbor's dog.

I'm kidding, of course. I don't have to say anything to the dog. Like most dogs, he'll eat just about anything that looks remotely like food, which may explain why there's a big hole in the fence. It comes in handy, of course. I throw the fruitcake through it. And he throws it back. Then he realizes it might be food, jumps through the hole and takes a bite. Then he pauses, looking at me suspiciously with an expression that says, "Are you sure this is food? It's soft and chewy, but not quite as tasty as the fence."

Truth be told, my wife and I do eat some fruitcake ourselves. We like to have it with our tea, whenever we want the kids to give us some time to ourselves. What's great about fruitcake is that it has a long shelf life. The fruitcake we've bought this year will be good until the year 2098. My great-grandchildren would be able to feed it to their dogs.

I'm not sure how the fruitcake would taste after 90 years, but it would definitely survive, as long as it's made well. If you don't believe me, just check out the 97-year-old fruitcake that a Minnesota man named Pierre Girard owns. According to an article in the Minneapolis Star-Tribune, the cake is "hard as a rock" and "has a slight scent of spice," which means that it's somewhat like a heavyweight boxer from India.



Girard's neighbor Sue Riley described the cake as "really ugly." It may be ugly, but how does it taste? That's what I want to know. I'm not volunteering to taste it though, not unless it's the last piece of food in the world, in which case Oprah would beat me to it.

Girard got the fruitcake from a couple of friends, who found it in a house. It was in a box with an inscription stating that it was baked in December 1911. It had belonged to an elderly woman who had died with no heirs, which is really a pity, because who wouldn't love to inherit a fruitcake?

Lawyer: "Thank you all for coming here today. I'm sure you all want to know about the 97-year-old fruitcake."

Teen-ager: "Hey, that's no way to talk about my great-grandma!"

Lawyer: "I'm talking about an actual 97-year-old fruitcake. Your great-grandma left it for you and your cousins. She wants each of you to have a slice."

Teen-ager: "No!!! We'll eat our veggies! We promise!"

According to "The Joy of Cooking," fruitcakes can last up to 25 years "when they are well-saturated with alcoholic liquors, which raise the spirits and keep down molds."

Yes, liquor helps preserve fruitcakes. Please take that only as a cooking tip - not medical advice.

BYLINE:

Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com Write to him at comments@melvindurai.com.

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