I don't mean to alarm you, but there's a lot of faking going on - and not just in the bedroom. Everyone's involved in some form of faking, and if you don't believe me, just visit your local high school. You'll see fake hair, fake eyelashes, fake nails and fake breasts - and that's just in the teachers' lounge.
The latest form of faking is called communifaking - pretending to have a conversation on your cell phone. It's a good way for women to protect themselves when they're alone. If you happen to be on the train with a couple of thugs, just take out your cell phone and say, "Hi honey, I'm running a little late. I spent a few extra minutes practicing kicks at karate class."
Many people communifake to avoid talking to someone, perhaps an ex-girlfriend who just happens to be walking toward them. "Hi honey, just wanted to tell you that Barack and Michelle are coming over for dinner. Yes, we'll have cocktails on the yacht. Tell Nigel to get the Bentley ready."
Some men even communifake to impress women. One day they're dorks with no life, the next day women are drooling over them.
Anita: "Do you see that guy? He's really popular."
Maria: "He looks a little like your ex-husband."
Anita: "Yeah, but this guy never gets off the phone. My ex-husband never gets off the couch."
Maria: "He must be rich and successful. Look at the phone he's using - a Sprint Blackberry Curve Palm Centro Smartphone!"
Anita: "I'd love to have his number!"
Maria: "I'd love to have his children!"
Impressing others is, of course, one of the main reasons for faking, whether you're wearing fake jewelry, displaying a fake diploma, or chatting on a fake Smartphone. Fake hair can transform a man's life instantly. That's why I'm thinking of getting a toupee. Women will stop thinking of me as "the guy with the bald spot," but instead think of me as "the guy with the bad toupee."
Fake hair may not be a huge improvement, but fake teeth usually are, as long as your dentist didn't graduate from a fake university. You know, the ones that hand out fake
degrees, but get really mad when you pay them with fake money.
Take it from me, the best fake teeth are the ones that are specially fitted for your mouth, not the ones that come in a box that says, "One size fits all." If your dentist has to hammer them in, it's time to get yourself a new dentist - and preferably not one who's approved by the FDA (Fake Dentists Association).
Fake teeth can help you get a date, but so can fake accents, especially if they're French or Irish or even Jamaican. An Indian accent may not get you a date, but it might get you a job at Microsoft. Just don't show them a fake degree or you might soon be standing before a judge, trying to produce fake tears.
Trust me, it isn't easy to produce fake tears, even when your wife decides that the cooking show is more exciting than the football game. Fake laughter is much easier - and more essential to everyday life. It comes in handy at most workplaces, whenever the boss tells a joke.
Fake laughter, of course, is much better than the faking that goes on in the bedroom. This is particularly troublesome to men. We don't mind a certain amount of faking, but do you know what we absolutely hate?
Fake headaches.
BYLINE:
Melvin Durai is a Manitoba-based writer and humorist. A native of India, he grew up in Zambia and has lived in North America since the early 1980s. Read his humor blog at http://www.Nshima.com.
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