That, if you’re from Detroit - or, really, from anywhere - is something you haven’t heard in a long time. A long, long time. Long enough for it to sound like the beginning of a “Star Wars” movie, with the galaxy far, far away sounding about right considering those opening three words and how many times you heard them last year. Long enough for quite a lot to happen while the winless lions were wallowing around (or, perhaps, taking a long, effortless nap) in sub-mediocrity. Just a few things include these:
Long enough for Russia to invade Georgia and then leave again (if we don’t count the preseason. And, honestly, who does? Maybe Raiders fans. Al Davis probably thinks it’s all the same thing). An entire war, of sorts, fought right in the middle of that streak of nothing that the Lions were accumulating by the weekend.
Long enough for the United States of America to select a new President, and long enough for him to mention that he wants college football playoffs (if he would have run on that platform alone, it would have been an even bigger landslide).
Long enough for a shop downtown in my city to run a deal all year saying “Free Oil Change With A Lions’ Win” and then to give up and have a day of free oil changes when the season expired, to make up for lost time.
It was a forgettable year, let’s say. But now, as of last weekend, we can really forget. We can put it behind us. Because the Lions, against all odds, have beaten the Washington Redskins.
19-1 never felt so good.
Now, for the sake of scope, let’s think about this. The Lions are pitiful. This may not have been David felling Goliath, since the ‘Skins aren’t all that great either, but it is at least David putting a good licking on his older brother. Or, maybe, David beating up his redneck cousin who has been in a lot of bar fights in the past, famous ones, but has recently gotten a bit fat and a bit lazy and a bit hung-over. This is David taking a tiny little step into the world of fighting before he has to take on the real Goliath.
And they didn’t do it by much. They didn’t knock the ‘Skins down with a stone to the forehead and prance around in victory. Until that last throw was out of Campbell’s hand and sitting on the turf, everyone in Michigan was holding their breath, was waiting for this to be the worst loss out of all of them. This was David punching his cousin a few decent times to the face and then running and hiding in the corner and hoping his cousin would fall. Breathing a sigh of relief when he did, then slinking off, knowing it wouldn’t happen again any time soon.
The roar isn’t exactly back in Detroit. There are bigger claws on the logo, but the claws on the team are a kitten’s claws. They are thin fingernails that will probably break off just when it needs them most. It took me a while to think of something to compare them too, something accurate, something that would make them sound successful, to some extent, but not good. That would make them sound victorious, but not powerful. It’s tough. But I thought and I thought and then I got it.
Then Lions are Michael Cera in “Year One” when he punched that girl.
Sure it was a girl, but he sure did look tough doing it.
For one week, the Lions are that tough. They are winners again, despite their losing record, and I hope they’re riding the wave. I hope they’re living it up. I hope they’re figuring out some way to talk Barry Sanders out of retirement.
This year they’re Michael Cera, but at least it’s something. Last year, they were that girl.
BYLINE:
Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.
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