It’s hard for me to believe that not only do I have the fastest Internet speed possible, but that I STILL find ways to bitch about it. If having to wait more than three seconds for streaming video to load continues to be a problem, I’m going to have to throw my computer out the window. This isn’t the first time I’ve lost my patience. I’ve already given up with the ATM’s and their lines of more than two deep. I’m sorry, but I have better things to do than to stand around and wait 20 seconds.
It’s funny, because the world as we know it has lost its patience. Whether companies need to invent even faster products, such as Faster Acting Tinactin, Quicker Than an Instant Oatmeal, or Light Speed Internet, something needs to be done. Because I’m telling you, things can’t be done fast enough. Somewhere on this planet is one man saying, “Give me the fastest technology possible. For I have too many things to get done.”
Time is money. And for this man, he’s worth ten million dollars.
The only thing that doesn’t need to go quick is, of course, bow chicka bow wow, which is an entirely different column.
This column is being written as I’m waiting for the last week episode of “30 Rock” to launch on nbc.com. As I count the seconds until it does, I can’t help but reflect on the days when Internet came into my life.
Back in 1993, a wonderful service came into my household - AOL. Back then, AOL was 99% potential, 1% capability. Everybody and their mother had AOL. It came free on a disk when you subscribed to Sports Illustrated, or opened up a box of Frosted Flakes. “AOL, that’s gr-r-r-r-reat!”
Needless to say, my family had it too. It was installed on my 56K modem computer. Anyone that ever had one of these, when turned on, it sounded as if it had asthma. Nothing but panting was heard until the bright cursor led you into the Windows ‘78 version or some shit. The phone cord that plugged back into the computer which depth was deeper than my race car bed led me to the promise land - the information two lane, no passing, oh by the way there’s a tractor in front of me, highway.
AOL loaded and the dial-up rang like a fax machine to which I crossed my fingers and cheered this baby on. “C’mon, c’mon, c’mon.” When it finally connected, my service was slower than a downs boy giving me directions.
I remember I logged into a chat room. I followed the conversation and gave my two cents. Unfortunately, the no speed modem I had and the abundance of AOL users caused my computer to freeze. By the time it unfroze and I could finish my sentence, there were four more conversations that passed. The result was my lone sentence in the middle of an entirely different conversation. It read something like this.
User 1 - I know, I do that too.
User 2 - Really?
Me - I love fried chicken.
User 1 - ROFL.
User 2 - LOL
User 1 - Yes I do User 2, and I love fried chicken too Me.
I had to post another sentence telling people that the one that just came up was for four conversations ago. By the time I was able to enter this sentence, my computer had twice froze and three times disconnected, making the sentence appear six days later. The result of this was my telling people that the next sentence will hopefully match a conversation being had a month from now. So, I found myself typing random sentences with hopes I could actually say I was in an actual chat room chat. Things like, “That sounds like fun,” and “Amazing” were my fail safes.
User 1 - I can do the robot, but that’s it.
User 2 - Really?
Me - That sounds like fun.
User 1 - It is Me.
User 2 - Rock on User 1.
Me - Amazing.
With the way technology is today, and the sense of the gratification that comes along with being the fastest at everything, we really need to remember the times when Internet was in its infant stages and be grateful for what we have. Pretty soon, we’ll be saying to our PC’s, “Log me in Scotty.”
BYLINE:
Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."
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