I've done a lot of embarrassing things in my life. At the age of nine, I got my head stuck in a vase at the flea market. I even fell down a flight of stairs, in college, while turning around to check out a cute girl. Despite those humiliating moments, I never felt sillier than when I order fast food.
The names for some of the entrees are so childishly bizarre that it is almost mortifying to give an order. At Wendy's, it used to be biggie this and biggie that.
Me - I'll have the number six, please.
Employee - Biggie Fries?
Me - Excuse me?
Employee - Biggie.
Me - He was a great rap artist, but what does that have to do with my fries?
Don't even try referring to the food's technical name. Some counter attendants will refuse to take your order unless you honor the trademark name.
Me - Six inch vegetable sub please.
Employee - We don't sell that.
Me - (pointing at menu) Then what's the veg - (I stopped mid-word after realizing that the sandwich is called a Veggie Delite.) Umm - a whole grain bun topped with fresh vegetation will be all. Thanks.
Employee - Whole grain bun topped with fresh vegetation is NOT on the menu, sir. (He was thinking, "Just say it, ass face.")
Customers behind me - (muttering) Just say it, ass face!
I DON'T WANT TO SAY IT, OK?? No self respecting adult should have to request Horsey Sauce on his/her chicken sandwich. Thank the tards at Arby's for that one. Nor should they be expected to ask for an Awesome Blossom when craving a batter dipped onion. And saying, "I'll have the Lumberjack Slam" sounds ridiculous EVEN IF YOU ARE A LUMBERJACK.
Message to Sonic. It's called a HOT DOG (or a frankfurter if you are truly old school), not a Coney. Hey Burger King, it's not a Whopper, it is a burger with the works. Denny's Moon Crater Mashed Potatoes? You can’t be serious? By the way, how can I be sure the waitress won't slap me delirious when ordering her Moons Over My Hammy?
Why can't restaurants create a loyal customer base by way of exceptional service rather than inane marketing concepts? For example, when we order a hamburger via drive-thru, give us a hamburger instead of having us discover an empty bun once we arrive home. Also, hold the side of hairs that are way too short and curly to be part of the human head, if you catch my drift. And most importantly, allow us to call it a hamburger. That's how to get repeat customers. But having us say, "Big Mouth Burger for the lady" just encourages us to enroll in cooking classes.
Bottom line, if I am expected to speak like a toddler when ordering my meals, then I should be allowed to pay with Monopoly money.
BYLINE:
Michael Angelo is a Connecticut based accountant. He also hosts a humor blog that is universally read, assuming that your definition of universal is two Canadian housewives and a schizophrenic who claims to speak telepathically with the Sultan of Brunei. Visit Michael Angelo at www.myspace.com/humorwriter
4 comments:
When my friend goes to the Cheesecake Factory, he always orders the Tons of Fun Burger with a Fat Tire Ale...and he says it with a straight face.
See, we don't do that here, but under this example I would like to be able to go to my local fast food place and order a Bubbie Sandwich.
-Fiona
I refuse to conform. I just cannot, in my right mind, ask for Whopper. It defies dirty... or something akin to that.
So, I have gotten in to the habit of only ordering things that come in numbers. I'll take a number three...
thank you
LOL
I just cannot, will not go to Burger King and ask for their Whoppper.
I have gotten into the habit of only ordering things that come with a number..
can I have a number three please, with a diet coke?
Post a Comment