"Very important facts to consider about vampire urination in 'Twilight.'"

By Sean Leary

Do vampires poop?

Pee?

I was thinking about this while watching the “Twilight” movie for the umpteenth time and encountering the scene where the vampires invite Bella over for dinner, making a big deal out of the fact that they don't eat food but they're trying to cook for her, etc.



(Here's the part of that scene that really doesn't make sense: They act as though they've never cooked before even though they haven't been vampires all their lives, so at some point they must have known how to cook real food, which I also assume wouldn't be a skill you would forget, despite all the time passed.

Anyway, a minor quibble considering how masterfully Stephenie Meyer tells her story, so, moving on...

They're on a liquid diet. They say they don't sleep. Do they have other bodily functions? You would think they would, since the blood they're taking in is hardly pure, so they'd have to expunge their bodies of the waste products said blood carries. Ergo, they would have to emit some sort of waste, whether urine or feces.



I would guess at the very least all they do is pee, since they're on a liquid diet, and have been for a while. So, another really important question: Is the pee red? And if so, wouldn't that be really difficult to clean out of porcelain toilets? You'd have to clean it all the time to avoid staining.

Hmm.

And say that the vampires are lazy or don't feel like cleaning it. Do they invite a cleaning service over? And if so, do they have to tell the cleaning people, since it would be pretty strange for cleaning people to be constantly coming over to clean blood out of a toilet, or are the cleaning people vampires too? And if they're not vampires, do they have to sign a contract with the cleaning service that says they won't eat their employees? These are all incredibly vital issues that need to be considered. And I sure hope Stephenie Meyer answers all of these integral questions if and when she puts out another “Twilight” book.

Don't you?



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Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.