Tuesday, January 19, 2010

"'Vanity Fair’s' thug life Tiger Woods is unbelievable."

By Jason Tanamor

Tiger Woods is on the cover of the current issue of “Vanity Fair.” On the cover, and I have yet to read the story and really don’t care at this point, Woods is shirtless wearing a hat and flexing his kind-of muscles.



However, instead of portraying him as the bad boy that he believes he is by humping and dumping a slew of mediocre looking women in which he seemingly fell in love with, I am only reminded of comedian and actor Jamie Kennedy’s portrayal of a thug life rapper in “Malibu’s Most Wanted.”





The reality is that Tiger Woods is a superstar athlete. Had he not been this, he’d be nothing more than a nerd who would have trouble getting dates. He’s not really handsome, he wouldn’t have this money, and people wouldn’t demand Tiger such as they do now. Imagine having Tiger Woods, unsuccessful Tiger Woods, behind you at the grocery store as you check out. He holds his TV dinners and case of pop and asks you out. You’d die laughing.

What do you think?



BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

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"Gerard Butler's career goes south in the awful, dirty mess 'Gamer.'" – DVD Review.

By Sean Patrick Kernan

I was under the impression that actor Gerard Butler's career was going really well. That clearly is not the case after watching his new movie “Gamer.” If Mr. Butler has to pick up a role that Jason Statham obviously passed on, things cannot be going that well. Ok, admittedly, I cannot prove that Mr. Statham passed on “Gamer.”

However, the movie does come from the “Crank” team of directors, Mark Neveldine and Bryan Taylor.



Not to mention the fact that the role is pitched to Statham's vibe of brain free, bloody grit. “Gamer” just seems like Jason Statham's kind of movie. Gerard Butler picks up the role and one cannot escape the idea of a not so bad actor picking up another actor's scraps. What a shame.

“Gamer” is a dopey sci-fi actioner that thrusts its audience into the midst of a story in progress. In some not so distant future interactive gaming has evolved to an inhumane level. Real men and women are being incorporated into the gaming world through technology created by Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall). Castle is a malevolent version of Bill Gates.

Castle’s brain controlling technology allows gamers to control real people. His first breakthrough game, Society, allowed the gamer to live out debauched fantasies through real people. Castle's major breakthrough however is called Slayers, a game where death row inmates run about shooting at other death row inmates. If one inmate survives 30 battles he or she can be set free.

The star of Slayers is Kable (Butler). He has survived 27 battles when we meet him. Kable's real name is Tillman and he is surviving so that he can be reunited with his wife and daughter. Kable is controlled by a teenager named Simon (Logan Lerman) and when Simon is approached by a group opposed to Castle, Kable may find his way to escape.



I have brought some order to this story through my description of the plot but trust me when I tell you that the movie itself is much more of a mess than I let on. As with their two “Crank” movies, directors Neveldine and Taylor have little care for telling a story. The interests of these two low watt auteurs is playing with violent toys and reveling in human destruction.

Neveldine and Taylor have a low opinion of humanity and choose to appeal only to the base impulses. This cynical approach is expressed through misogynist imagery and hardcore violence. Women are treated as victims and sex objects and violence is exploited and glorified in a fashion that makes you worry for the director's private lives.

Movies like “Gamer” and both of the “Crank” films are like a psychological profile of the people who created them. What they show are a pair of adults who act out like teenagers. The unrestrained id, the out of control ego and finally the plain and simple immaturity of these films makes you wonder if regular therapy sessions would be a better use of time than filmmaking for Neveldine and Taylor.

Not only is “Gamer” ugly, immature and cynical, it's also derivative. Take a dash of “Running Man” cross it with “Death Race” and you get the bare bones of “Gamer.” Place big dumb action star in an inescapably violent future state and have him fight his way out; been there, done that. Finally, have big dumb action guy bring down the bad guy.

Whether Butler's Kable is successful in stopping the evil Bill Gates guy, I will leave you to discover should you choose to endure “Gamer.” It doesn't really matter whether he succeeds or not. It doesn't improve the awful, dirty mess that is “Gamer.” Really, nothing could.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan. Email Sean at sean@zoiksonline.com.

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Monday, January 18, 2010

"Golden Globe Awards: Fashion Review."

By Bry Schulz

I love awards show season. There are so many reasons to love it, really. You get to see people being themselves as opposed to seeing them as characters on film or TV. And of course every awards show has a red carpet. I, like most women, have a faint pang of desire to become a fashion designer. I will never fulfill that dream due to a complete lack of knowledge and drive, but I can sure as hell talk about it. I don't have to know how to sew it to know when it sucks. And frankly a lot of the dresses last night sucked. It made me a little angry too. What a way to kick off awards show season (I'm looking at you Drew Barrymore). Be warned I don't do men... in my fashion reviews. A tux is a tux is a tux. But a dress is a different story all together. Let us look at last nights fashion shall we?!



Julia Roberts: Grade D-



This dress disappointed me in a big way. I mean a black, long sleeve, wrap dress? Really? That's what you are going to wear? You are aware you're Julia Roberts right? I could wear this dress to a wedding or a business meeting for the love of Erin Brockovich! I think you can get one of these in several colors at Target. I don't get it. Why, when you have a choice of dresses as far as the eye can see, would you pick this dress? I know designers would die to dress this woman. So what is it with this dress choice? I'm just upset. I should move on before I get angrier.

Ginnifer Goodwin: Grade B-



I think Ginnifer looks cute in this little blue dress. I am a fan of the A-symmetrical neck line as well as the color and the length. She reminds me of a woodland sprite or a fairy or someone who can grant me a few wishes. I love her pixie hair cut. That's not an easy hair cut to have, I know because I've had it and sworn never to return. But the whole ensemble, including the shoes work for me. Sometimes that type of a skirt will make a lady look like a hippo but Ginnifer does not! I'm not overwhelmed by the awesomeness but it's a good choice for her. She looked great.

Marion Cotillard: Grade C



This gal has never really been one of my favorites on the red carpet. She had that fish scale atrocity at the Oscars last year. I just don't remember Marion Cotillard looking all that fantastic to me. She doesn't look like complete trash either but I have to ask what's with the lacy legging thing? I saw her live on the red carpet before the show and I thought she had accidentally exposed her Spanx or something! Turns out that's actually part of her dress. WTF? Paging Madonna circa 1992... take your pointy boobs and your lacy spandex and high-tail it to the nearest roller rink will ya?! I don't even know why I'm giving this dress a C. I hate it more and more as I'm typing. Her hair doesn't suck though. And I don't totally hate the color of the dress. But the pointy boobs and the lacy surprise on her leg... again, WTF?

Anna Kendrick: Grade B+



I have to say I really like this dress. I think she looks great in it and I can tell she feels good in it too. That has so much to do with it, when the person feels good in a dress you can see it in their eyes. Anna looks confident and happy. I like the one shoulder. I love that it's kind of 3 dimensional with the ruffle. Some might argue that the ruffle is yucky but I think it works for this dress. I mean imagine the dress without the ruffle and it's just a flat strap on the side.... (I'm giving you time to imagine, go on...) It's a totally different dress. And it's not a red carpet dress with out the awesomeness of the ruffle. I also enjoy the pattern. Too bad she didn't win the award, but still she looked great!

Kate Winslet: Grade C+



I was "underwhelmed" by this dress, to steal a phrase from Michael Kors. I can't say she doesn't look wonderful because I'd be lying. Kate looks beautiful and I do like her up-do. But the dress just didn't do much for me. I would have liked it to be a different color maybe. I feel bored when I look at it. I just want to yell NEXT. So I think I'll move on.

Vera Farmiga: Grade C



When I saw her on the red carpet I just kind of went "Ehh." Like that little shrug of the shoulders you give when someone asks if you want to watch a certain movie and you're like "Ehh, whatever, if that's what you really want to make me suffer through for an hour and a half." Maybe it didn't photograph well. I'm just yawning at it. Again: NEXT!

Penelope Cruz: Grade B+



Of all the dresses I saw last night this one is at the top for me. It's vintage, I remember her saying that. I "think" she said "Vintage Versace" but I can't be sure. (I'm pregnant and my brain is not functioning at full force these days.) Regardless of who the hell made the dress I like it. When I watch the red carpet shows I always like to play a game like I'm shopping and I get to pick one of the dresses I see. I think this is the one I would pick. I think the lace on top is pretty. When you saw it on TV it was actually horizontally striped with different textures of black. And then the bottom is a beautiful mermaid train. I think it makes her body look FAB! (that's a B there not a T, mind you.) I really liked Penelope's hair too. I saw her a few times during the show last night and every time I thought to myself "I wish my hair was long and pretty like hers." I'm starting to think I've said too much. I am really gushing here. Let's move on before it gets worse.

Emily Blunt: Grade B-



She gets a B MINUS because of the look of death on her face. Her make-up and hair were horrid! I did not see her live on the red carpet. I did see her during the Golden Globes show and when I saw her I actually kind of gasped. You shouldn't make people gasp. The dress is not that bad, I actually kind of like it, but I'm so stunned by her mug that I can't get past it. It's almost like I can't even accept the fact that she's wearing a $30,000 gown. (I'm guessing on the cost there, but I'm sure I'm not far off!) I don't want to hate on Emily Blunt because she seems nice and I really don't know her very well (sarcasm, I know none of these people). But I can't lie. Her make-up and hair is messing with my mood.

Kate Hudson: Grade B



A few ladies wore white last night. Kristin Bell also wore a cool white dress but because I could not find a picture of her I will speak of it no more. Kate on the other hand I obviously could get a picture of and I will stop rambling and get on with the reviewing. Okay. So I like this dress. Sort of. I wish it hadn't been raining so she could drop the train. I feel like I'm not getting the whole vibe correctly. I think she chose a good color, she looks great in white. I'd like to know why she's making this face but I fear I'll never know. I thought her earrings were cool. I saw them on the red carpet show and they're like tassels. I should hate tassel earrings but I didn't hate them when I saw them. I like the bust of the dress, I think it's very feminine. I think her shoes are gross. Yes, gross. They're stripper shoes. I saw them in a different picture and they're like stilts. But the dress and the hair and the earrings made me feel good about... something.

Drew Barrymore: Grade F



This dress looks like it has cancer. Someone help Drew Barrymore, she's got tumors on her dress. What the hell is on her hip? It looks like it could have a zipper and you could stow away your chap stick and a few tissues inside it. The top "thing" on her shoulder freaked me out when she was accepting her award. It kept bouncing and twitching while she spoke and got emotional. I was distracted by it. And I expected it to light up in different colors and detach itself and that you could buy it if you went to see Beauty and the Beast On Ice. The color of the dress also sucks. And knowing that you have curly or even wavy hair should tell you NOT to slick back your hair during a down pour. It was raining out and I distinctly remember people saying it had been raining all day. I think if you wake up that morning and see rain you say "We need to re-think my hairstyle for today." But why would a person wearing this dress think about her hair? I'm sorry Drew but really?!

Diane Kruger: Grade D+



What do you call this color? I'm just going to call it pink. I'm giving this dress a better grade than Drew's because it's tumor-less. I also think I might like this dress in another color. Navy blue perhaps? Diane Kruger tends to take risks and I have to admire her for that. Most of the dresses last night made me yawn and this one did not. This woke me up. I really don't have any trouble with the style, the length, the cut of the neckline, the poofy sleeves, I'm good with all of it. I really can't give it better than a D+ though, because of the pink. I feel like she walked into whatever room it is that they dye the shoes at Payless. Which makes me wonder what her shoes looked like? I didn't see them. I was too blinded.

Cameron Diaz: Grade B



I'd be happy giving her a worse grade because I personally can't stand her but I have to be fair to the dress. Red looks pretty good on her, I have to admit. I'm a tad bored by the neck line scoopy-ness. But it makes her look tall and lean and beautiful. I give it a solid B for lack of tumors, stripper shoes, scary hair and make-up and odd color choice.

Sandra Bullock: Grade B+



I wonder why the bottom has to be see-thru. You could really tell when she went up to accept her award during the show. You can see her leg! I love the color and everything else about it but it's like the inside lining of the dress was taken from her. Maybe by force? Maybe Jesse James’ ex-wife the porn star came over and ripped it? That sounds like porn star behavior. In which case I would have to upgrade my grade to an A just to spite the porn star. But I think it's safe to say I made all that up and nothing of the sort occurred. She just picked an ugly dress. Don't worry, as this article proves, it happens to a lot of people. I am LOVING the hair though. Loving it! And the top of the dress is fab!

Fergie: Grade C



I hate Fergie. I want to give her a Z for this but that would be unfair to the dress because it does not suck at a Z level. It's a pretty color and looks great with her dark hair. The waist looks neat with the weaving and I like the length. It pains me to say such positive things about this woman but I can't lie. It is a little bridesmaid-y though! Zing, I got one in!!!

Jennifer Garner: Grade B+



She gets one of the highest grades of the day from me. Partly because the dress is gorgeous, partly because she's had two kids and has that body. I think the neck line is cool the way the shoulders are different. The pattern is cool and the train is fab! Her hair looked kind of whimsical too. I saw a better view of it during the show. Overall she just looked very nice. Where was old Benny Boo? Just curious.

Jennifer Aniston: Grade C



Uh, whatever. I'm so tired of you Jennifer Aniston. You always have the same hair color, the same length and it's down. What, you chose a black dress? I'm shocked! I'm amazed at the absolute lack of risk taking happening with you! NOT. I just told a "not joke" during a fashion review. This is a proud moment.

Carey Mulligan: Grade B+



All I really know about this girl is that she's dating Shia Labeouf and they are currently (or were really recently) filming the sequel to "Wall Street." She was nominated for a totally different movie, of which I'm not sure. Regardless of all that and my apparent lack of knowledge about Miss Mulligan I have to say she looked really pretty. Again, for a girl with short hair she managed to pull it off. She had the cutest little sparkly (probably filled with diamonds) head band on her head. Her dress is pretty. There is a lot of detail in the dress, though you can't see it as well in the photo. I love the train. It looks like it's falling down though. She needs a better bra or something. I feel like there’s a ton of unused space between her neck and the bust of the dress. A necklace would have helped. Or maybe sell ad space there. I can see it now, a huge jeweled necklace that says "Your Ad Here."

In summation I was a little bored with the fashion at this year’s Golden Globes. I didn't even give anyone an A grade! It is hard for me to pick a winner from this pool of ho-hum-ers. But I will because I must.

Best Dressed: Penelope Cruz - head to toe she looked the part of a red carpet star.
Worst Dressed: Drew Barrymore - this was an obvious choice for me.

Now on to Screen Actors Guild Awards. Bring on the fashion. Let's hope they dress themselves (or their stylists dress them) better this time.

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

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"Ricky Gervais doesn’t hold back as host of the Golden Globes."

By Bry Schulz

The Golden Globe Awards were their typical fun self last night. This is always the awards show where people starve themselves until they sit down at their tables and then start tossing back the champagne. What a good combo! I'm speculating this has something to do with the fact that the Globes usually have better acceptance speeches than the other "formal" awards shows. I mean if I were drinking on an empty stomach I'd have a lot of enlightening things to say too. And that's part of the Globes charm, it's a little tipsy.



The night started off on a good note with new host Ricky Gervais filling the position. Ricky didn't hold back and as a viewer I appreciated that a lot in the form of LAUGHING. I did not hear as much laughter coming from the audience. I am curious if there was laughing and I did not hear it or if the Hollywood types in the audience were uncomfortable by Ricky's humor. Whatever the case it was fine for me. The best Ricky moment of the night came in the form of his Mel Gibson introduction. At the podium Ricky was holding a glass of beer and said "I like to drink as much as the next man. Unless the next man is... (pause)... Mel Gibson!" And he held out his arm like a Barker Beauty to show Mel's entrance to the stage. Mel took it in stride, which was great because that could have been a tough moment. I laughed my butt off though. Mel's personal struggles with drinking withstanding, that was just funny.

The night’s winners did not disappoint either. The night’s first award went to Mo'Nique for Supporting Actress, which she won because of her role in the movie "Precious,” based on the novel 'Push' by Sapphire. The moment Mo'Nique won was a beautiful one. She accepted her award with grace and she made me tear up a little. I have not seen "Precious" but I do know the premise of the movie and it seems a very well deserved win for her. Other winners included Christoph Waltz for Supporting Actor which he won for his role in "Inglourious Basterds." The awards for Actor and Actress in a Musical or Comedy went to Robert Downey Jr. and Meryl Streep respectively. Downey won for his role in "Sherlock Holmes" and gave a very funny acceptance speech where he primarily thanked himself. Streep won for "Julie & Julia" and her speech, which is usually hysterical, wasn't as funny as normal and I was kind of bummed.



The winning continued with Jeff Bridges (“Crazy Heart”) and Sandra Bullock (“The Blind Side”) winning for Best Actor and Actress in a drama. Jeff Bridges received a standing ovation from the room, which was a really cool moment. It was a room of people paying respect to one of the longest working dramatic actors of our time, who rarely gets the recognition he deserves. Bullock gave a grateful speech, the end of which had one of my favorite moments of the evening. She said to her husband, Jesse James, "It's no wonder my movies got better after meeting you because I finally know what it is for someone to have my back." (Insert "awes" here).

As far as winners in television go there were some very well deserved. A visibly frail Michael C. Hall accepted the award for Actor in a Drama Series for his lead role in “Dexter.” Hall recently announced his battle with Hodgkin’s lymphoma, though he is said to be in remission now. He was wearing a knit cap, evidence of his struggles but gave a grateful speech and I was so glad to see him win. This was Hall's third nomination and being a big fan of the show "Dexter" I was proud he won. Other winners for their roles in television included Julianna Margulies (“The Good Wife”) for Actress in a Drama Series. Actor and Actress in a Musical or Comedy went to Alec Baldwin (“30 Rock”) and Toni Collette (“United States of Tara”). Drew Barrymore (“Grey Gardens”) finally won an award; she always seems overlooked. She won for Actress in a Miniseries or Movie. In Drew's speech she said she had been in that room since she was 7-years-old. It's easy to forget she's been around as long as she has. Actor in a Miniseries or Movie went to Kevin Bacon (“Taking Chance”). For Supporting Actor in a Series, Miniseries or Movie John Lithgow won for his role last season on "Dexter." He amusingly referred to enjoying the last 6 months of being able to freak people out. (He played a serial killer). Supporting Actress in a Series, Miniseries or Movie went to Chloe Sevigny (“Big Love”).

The big television awards of the night went to Drew Barrymore's "Grey Gardens" for Miniseries or Movie, "Glee" won for Series, Musical or Comedy, and "Mad Men" won for Series Drama. In movies "Up" won for best Animated Film, "The White Ribbon" for Foreign Language, and "The Hangover" won for best Musical or Comedy. I have to interject that recognizing comedy is one of the many reasons I tend to prefer the Globes to the Oscars. Why don't they think funny people can act? I digress. "Avatar" won for best Picture, Drama. I found that to be surprising. Usually big movies like that do not get recognized at awards shows like this. I think the amazing technology James Cameron used to create this film couldn't be ignored. Speaking of James Cameron he won for Director, a big honor. And lastly the famed Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award went to a very deserving Martin Scorsese. Leonardo Dicaprio and Robert De Niro gave the award to Scorsese and both gave a great introduction to the legendary director. Scorsese himself made a great speech about what drives him as a director.

The night was a great glimpse into the world of movies and television. Most of us do not work in that glamorous industry. I always find it intriguing to see actors and actresses in their own skin and putting their own personalities in front of us when they make their speeches. I like the Golden Globe Awards for so many reasons too. It's one of the few "Big Deal" awards shows that recognize actors and actresses in television. I don't think those people are any less skilled than film actors. I like the Globes because they don't bore us with a zillion technical awards we couldn't care less about. And, of course, people get drunk and say stupid shit. Hey, they ARE just like us!

BYLINE:

Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.

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"NBC inadvertently sets up late night to be great again with Leno, Conan, Kimmel and Letterman line-up."

By Jason Tanamor

It’s finally here. The four horsemen of late night TV may finally get to go head to head to head to chin against each other. With Leno heading back to the “Tonight Show” and Conan maybe (probably) going to Fox, viewers haven’t seen a feud like this since Letterman and Leno fought for the “Tonight Show.”



Although it helped with Team Coco putting out a statement blasting NBC and all of the hosts jabbing the late night debacle on their own shows, what NBC is setting up for the near future could be classic.

There is no dispute that Johnny Carson is the true king of late night, but who did he really have to go up against? There wasn’t a pool of candidates like Leno, Letterman, Conan and Kimmel since the first season of “Survivor.” Well, not really but at the time of this writing, a story about “Survivor” came onto the web.



All four hosts have seen great success on late night. And that’s hard to do. The fifth person to achieve late night prince status was Arsenio Hall. I mean look at the line-up: Chevy Chase, Magic Johnson, Pat Sajak, Mo’Nique, Wanda Sykes, and Craig Kilborn. All of these people have talent, save for Kilborn who is nothing more than a pretentious jackass, and none of them could make a dent in market share.

I used to believe that late night TV had a formula for success, almost like Carlton Sheets and buying houses with no money down (again, not really but there was an infomercial). Add a funny monologue, some comedy skits, and mediocre guests with movies and animals, throw in a comedian or band to close the show, and you had ratings. But that’s not true at all.

Leno, Conan, Letterman and Kimmel have all shown that it takes a little bit more to be a hit. So, whatever people think about NBC and how it handled the situation, you can not deny that the network has set up late night TV to be the best time slot in history.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.

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"Jackie Chan makes 'The Spy Next Door' briskly paced, breezy and goofy and over before you really tire of its idiot plot." – Movie Review

By Sean Patrick Kernan

It is far too easy to rip a movie like “The Spy Next Door.” The plot is dimwitted and derivative, star Jackie Chan has far too little mastery of the English language to be given this many lines and the supporting cast is a minefield of overacting and over-arching cuteness. Way too easy.

The harder thing to do is admit that despite all the garbage in “The Spy Next Door,” there are a few modest pleasures and even a couple of smiles to be had.



“The Spy Next Door” is an accidental re-imagining of Vin Diesel's Disney flick “The Pacifier.” Take the world's greatest super-spy and leave him in charge of some precocious pre-teens and wait for wacky stuff to happen. The only difference is where Diesel seems terribly uncomfortable; Jackie Chan seems right at home playing with the kids.

Chan is secret agent Bob Ho, a spy on loan to the CIA from Chinese Intelligence. He is tracking a Russian bad guy named Poldark (Magnus Scheving) and his evil gal, Creel (Katherine Boecher) as they seek to destroy the world supply of oil. Helping Bob are a pair of CIA agents, Glaze (George Lopez) and Colton (Billy Ray Cyrus).

Meanwhile, Bob is looking to wrap up his spy career so that he can marry his next door neighbor Gillian (Amber Valletta) who does not know that Bob is really a spy. Even bigger than that obstacle however is getting in good with Gillian's three kids. Farren (Madeline Carroll) is a severely moody oldest daughter who nastily calls her mom Gillian. Ian (Will Shadley) is the middle child and a power nerd who, though only 9, reads physics for fun. And finally 4 year Nora (Alina Foley) who is convinced that Bob is what Ian calls a ‘cyborg.’ Together the siblings look to get rid of boring Bob before he can marry mommy.



Yes, the plot is exceedingly dopey and condescendingly simple. But, you know that when you buy the ticket. Given that knowledge going in makes it easier to appreciate the few charms that “The Spy Next Door” has. Jackie Chan is now 50 years old and years of daring stunt work have taken their toll. Nevertheless, Chan gives it a go in “The Spy Next Door” and his brand of martial arts crossed with Buster Keaton style slapstick hasn't been this much fun in a while.

The kids in kid’s movies can be terribly irritating, either too precious or too grating. They are at times both in “The Spy Next Door.” That said each of the child actors has a good moment or two, especially young Alina Foley. It's cheating to have a sweet little four year old whisper 'I love you Bob' as he sings her to sleep with a Chinese lullaby, but it's hard to deny how cute the scene is.

“The Spy Next Door” is not 'cinema.' This is not a great movie but it never pretends to be. “The Spy Next Door” is briskly paced, breezy and goofy and over before you really tire of its idiot plot. By the lowered standards of kid’s entertainment this qualifies as something I can recommend. Kids won't be harmed by it and mom and dad may actually stay awake during it. What more can you ask.

BYLINE:

Sean Patrick Kernan is a film critic. Check him out at: http://www.myspace.com/number1ramjamfan.

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"Next week’s New Orleans Saints and Minnesota Vikings game looks to be the best in years."

By Jonathan Schlosser

Another week of bad playoff football, unless you love the winning teams (to their credit, the Jets-Chargers game was very exciting, in a mirror of last week), but another week when I’m just getting more and more excited for what’s coming. Because the powerhouse teams that are winning these games by so much - the Colts, the Vikings, and the Saints all put together crushing victories - are eventually going to meet. Are eventually going to come into the same stadium and play against each other and it’s going to be like watching two tidal waves come together in the middle of the Pacific at a hundred miles an hour.



Now, I don’t mean to disrespect the Colts or the Jets. These are great teams with super-talented players who are going to fight it out in what could be a great game; it’s just more iffy. Sanchez might have a clunker of a game and, if he does, there’s no way the Jets can stay with the Colts. So I do think it has the potential to be very good; I just think the Saints and the Vikings are going to meet in that dome in New Orleans and put on one of the best shows in recent memory.

The Saints, behind Drew Brees, have been putting up Madden-like numbers all year; they have the ability to make a big play with each snap. They spread the ball around to fast receivers who can all break it for a score, which just overloads the coverage schemes for the defense. Reggie Bush had one of the best games of his life - maybe his best since USC - against the Cardinals. He may not be an every-down back, but the Saints have plenty of those and Bush is electric catching out of the backfield or returning punts. And the Saints defense, don’t forget, was the third-ranked unit this year. They have Sharper in that scheme and they score a fair amount of points themselves.



The Vikings made their case for the gunfight when they played against the Cowboys. Their defense was in top form, crushing the Cowboy’s offensive line. They sacked Romo six times. They caused three fumbles, two that they took away. They got an interception. And, always the most important, they only gave up three points to the Dallas Cowboys in Texas. Romo never had time and you could see that it got in his head from the way he was yelling at his linemen.

That in itself would make for a good game. A powerful defense against a high-scoring offense. We had it in the Super Bowl in 2007 when the Giants met the Patriots, and it was the best Super Bowl in a long time. But the Vikings, as I’m sure no one has forgotten, have Brett Favre.

The Vikings went for it on fourth and three with two minutes left in the fourth. It was a situation in which they should have either run the ball or kicked a field goal. But they dropped Favre back and threw it into the end zone and Shiancoe made a diving catch for the score. Some people were mad, on the post-game show. They said it was running up the score; they said it was classless. I said it was this:

“Hey, Drew Brees. Here we come.”

They want the Saints to know they can score. And score a lot. Brett Favre has experience and talent and he’s having the (arguably) best year of his life. His quarterback rating against the Cowboys, who were playing pretty good defense here at the end of the year, was a 134.4. He’s been dominant and mistake-free and he’s making the Vikings offense look just as potent as the Saints. They’re setting it up to say that, if it turns into a shoot-out, they can run with the best of them.

I don’t know who is going to win. It’s one of those match-ups in which no one can know. But here’s the thing: if the Vikings’ defense can play like they did today, the Vikings will win. If they can force some turnovers and get Drew Brees off the field and keep Adrian Peterson and Brett Favre on the field, they will win. They will advance to the Super Bowl and give the old man one last shot at it before he retires for real.

But no matter what, it’s quite possibly going to be the best game of the year. Get ready.

BYLINE:

Jonathan Schlosser is a writer and part-time library worker. He has published some short fiction and is working on finding a publisher for his novel. He has a B.A. in Writing, which means that, for a living, he is allowed to put away books at the library. He is also allowed to tell parents to tell their children to be quiet. He lives in Grand Rapids, MI. Email Jonathan at jonathan@zoiksonline.com.

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