I love awards show season. There are so many reasons to love it, really. You get to see people being themselves as opposed to seeing them as characters on film or TV. And of course every awards show has a red carpet. I, like most women, have a faint pang of desire to become a fashion designer. I will never fulfill that dream due to a complete lack of knowledge and drive, but I can sure as hell talk about it. I don't have to know how to sew it to know when it sucks. And frankly a lot of the dresses last night sucked. It made me a little angry too. What a way to kick off awards show season (I'm looking at you Drew Barrymore). Be warned I don't do men... in my fashion reviews. A tux is a tux is a tux. But a dress is a different story all together. Let us look at last nights fashion shall we?!
Julia Roberts: Grade D-
This dress disappointed me in a big way. I mean a black, long sleeve, wrap dress? Really? That's what you are going to wear? You are aware you're Julia Roberts right? I could wear this dress to a wedding or a business meeting for the love of Erin Brockovich! I think you can get one of these in several colors at Target. I don't get it. Why, when you have a choice of dresses as far as the eye can see, would you pick this dress? I know designers would die to dress this woman. So what is it with this dress choice? I'm just upset. I should move on before I get angrier.
Ginnifer Goodwin: Grade B-
I think Ginnifer looks cute in this little blue dress. I am a fan of the A-symmetrical neck line as well as the color and the length. She reminds me of a woodland sprite or a fairy or someone who can grant me a few wishes. I love her pixie hair cut. That's not an easy hair cut to have, I know because I've had it and sworn never to return. But the whole ensemble, including the shoes work for me. Sometimes that type of a skirt will make a lady look like a hippo but Ginnifer does not! I'm not overwhelmed by the awesomeness but it's a good choice for her. She looked great.
Marion Cotillard: Grade C
This gal has never really been one of my favorites on the red carpet. She had that fish scale atrocity at the Oscars last year. I just don't remember Marion Cotillard looking all that fantastic to me. She doesn't look like complete trash either but I have to ask what's with the lacy legging thing? I saw her live on the red carpet before the show and I thought she had accidentally exposed her Spanx or something! Turns out that's actually part of her dress. WTF? Paging Madonna circa 1992... take your pointy boobs and your lacy spandex and high-tail it to the nearest roller rink will ya?! I don't even know why I'm giving this dress a C. I hate it more and more as I'm typing. Her hair doesn't suck though. And I don't totally hate the color of the dress. But the pointy boobs and the lacy surprise on her leg... again, WTF?
Anna Kendrick: Grade B+
I have to say I really like this dress. I think she looks great in it and I can tell she feels good in it too. That has so much to do with it, when the person feels good in a dress you can see it in their eyes. Anna looks confident and happy. I like the one shoulder. I love that it's kind of 3 dimensional with the ruffle. Some might argue that the ruffle is yucky but I think it works for this dress. I mean imagine the dress without the ruffle and it's just a flat strap on the side.... (I'm giving you time to imagine, go on...) It's a totally different dress. And it's not a red carpet dress with out the awesomeness of the ruffle. I also enjoy the pattern. Too bad she didn't win the award, but still she looked great!
Kate Winslet: Grade C+
I was "underwhelmed" by this dress, to steal a phrase from Michael Kors. I can't say she doesn't look wonderful because I'd be lying. Kate looks beautiful and I do like her up-do. But the dress just didn't do much for me. I would have liked it to be a different color maybe. I feel bored when I look at it. I just want to yell NEXT. So I think I'll move on.
Vera Farmiga: Grade C
When I saw her on the red carpet I just kind of went "Ehh." Like that little shrug of the shoulders you give when someone asks if you want to watch a certain movie and you're like "Ehh, whatever, if that's what you really want to make me suffer through for an hour and a half." Maybe it didn't photograph well. I'm just yawning at it. Again: NEXT!
Penelope Cruz: Grade B+
Of all the dresses I saw last night this one is at the top for me. It's vintage, I remember her saying that. I "think" she said "Vintage Versace" but I can't be sure. (I'm pregnant and my brain is not functioning at full force these days.) Regardless of who the hell made the dress I like it. When I watch the red carpet shows I always like to play a game like I'm shopping and I get to pick one of the dresses I see. I think this is the one I would pick. I think the lace on top is pretty. When you saw it on TV it was actually horizontally striped with different textures of black. And then the bottom is a beautiful mermaid train. I think it makes her body look FAB! (that's a B there not a T, mind you.) I really liked Penelope's hair too. I saw her a few times during the show last night and every time I thought to myself "I wish my hair was long and pretty like hers." I'm starting to think I've said too much. I am really gushing here. Let's move on before it gets worse.
Emily Blunt: Grade B-
She gets a B MINUS because of the look of death on her face. Her make-up and hair were horrid! I did not see her live on the red carpet. I did see her during the Golden Globes show and when I saw her I actually kind of gasped. You shouldn't make people gasp. The dress is not that bad, I actually kind of like it, but I'm so stunned by her mug that I can't get past it. It's almost like I can't even accept the fact that she's wearing a $30,000 gown. (I'm guessing on the cost there, but I'm sure I'm not far off!) I don't want to hate on Emily Blunt because she seems nice and I really don't know her very well (sarcasm, I know none of these people). But I can't lie. Her make-up and hair is messing with my mood.
Kate Hudson: Grade B
A few ladies wore white last night. Kristin Bell also wore a cool white dress but because I could not find a picture of her I will speak of it no more. Kate on the other hand I obviously could get a picture of and I will stop rambling and get on with the reviewing. Okay. So I like this dress. Sort of. I wish it hadn't been raining so she could drop the train. I feel like I'm not getting the whole vibe correctly. I think she chose a good color, she looks great in white. I'd like to know why she's making this face but I fear I'll never know. I thought her earrings were cool. I saw them on the red carpet show and they're like tassels. I should hate tassel earrings but I didn't hate them when I saw them. I like the bust of the dress, I think it's very feminine. I think her shoes are gross. Yes, gross. They're stripper shoes. I saw them in a different picture and they're like stilts. But the dress and the hair and the earrings made me feel good about... something.
Drew Barrymore: Grade F
This dress looks like it has cancer. Someone help Drew Barrymore, she's got tumors on her dress. What the hell is on her hip? It looks like it could have a zipper and you could stow away your chap stick and a few tissues inside it. The top "thing" on her shoulder freaked me out when she was accepting her award. It kept bouncing and twitching while she spoke and got emotional. I was distracted by it. And I expected it to light up in different colors and detach itself and that you could buy it if you went to see Beauty and the Beast On Ice. The color of the dress also sucks. And knowing that you have curly or even wavy hair should tell you NOT to slick back your hair during a down pour. It was raining out and I distinctly remember people saying it had been raining all day. I think if you wake up that morning and see rain you say "We need to re-think my hairstyle for today." But why would a person wearing this dress think about her hair? I'm sorry Drew but really?!
Diane Kruger: Grade D+
What do you call this color? I'm just going to call it pink. I'm giving this dress a better grade than Drew's because it's tumor-less. I also think I might like this dress in another color. Navy blue perhaps? Diane Kruger tends to take risks and I have to admire her for that. Most of the dresses last night made me yawn and this one did not. This woke me up. I really don't have any trouble with the style, the length, the cut of the neckline, the poofy sleeves, I'm good with all of it. I really can't give it better than a D+ though, because of the pink. I feel like she walked into whatever room it is that they dye the shoes at Payless. Which makes me wonder what her shoes looked like? I didn't see them. I was too blinded.
Cameron Diaz: Grade B
I'd be happy giving her a worse grade because I personally can't stand her but I have to be fair to the dress. Red looks pretty good on her, I have to admit. I'm a tad bored by the neck line scoopy-ness. But it makes her look tall and lean and beautiful. I give it a solid B for lack of tumors, stripper shoes, scary hair and make-up and odd color choice.
Sandra Bullock: Grade B+
I wonder why the bottom has to be see-thru. You could really tell when she went up to accept her award during the show. You can see her leg! I love the color and everything else about it but it's like the inside lining of the dress was taken from her. Maybe by force? Maybe Jesse James’ ex-wife the porn star came over and ripped it? That sounds like porn star behavior. In which case I would have to upgrade my grade to an A just to spite the porn star. But I think it's safe to say I made all that up and nothing of the sort occurred. She just picked an ugly dress. Don't worry, as this article proves, it happens to a lot of people. I am LOVING the hair though. Loving it! And the top of the dress is fab!
Fergie: Grade C
I hate Fergie. I want to give her a Z for this but that would be unfair to the dress because it does not suck at a Z level. It's a pretty color and looks great with her dark hair. The waist looks neat with the weaving and I like the length. It pains me to say such positive things about this woman but I can't lie. It is a little bridesmaid-y though! Zing, I got one in!!!
Jennifer Garner: Grade B+
She gets one of the highest grades of the day from me. Partly because the dress is gorgeous, partly because she's had two kids and has that body. I think the neck line is cool the way the shoulders are different. The pattern is cool and the train is fab! Her hair looked kind of whimsical too. I saw a better view of it during the show. Overall she just looked very nice. Where was old Benny Boo? Just curious.
Jennifer Aniston: Grade C
Uh, whatever. I'm so tired of you Jennifer Aniston. You always have the same hair color, the same length and it's down. What, you chose a black dress? I'm shocked! I'm amazed at the absolute lack of risk taking happening with you! NOT. I just told a "not joke" during a fashion review. This is a proud moment.
Carey Mulligan: Grade B+
All I really know about this girl is that she's dating Shia Labeouf and they are currently (or were really recently) filming the sequel to "Wall Street." She was nominated for a totally different movie, of which I'm not sure. Regardless of all that and my apparent lack of knowledge about Miss Mulligan I have to say she looked really pretty. Again, for a girl with short hair she managed to pull it off. She had the cutest little sparkly (probably filled with diamonds) head band on her head. Her dress is pretty. There is a lot of detail in the dress, though you can't see it as well in the photo. I love the train. It looks like it's falling down though. She needs a better bra or something. I feel like there’s a ton of unused space between her neck and the bust of the dress. A necklace would have helped. Or maybe sell ad space there. I can see it now, a huge jeweled necklace that says "Your Ad Here."
In summation I was a little bored with the fashion at this year’s Golden Globes. I didn't even give anyone an A grade! It is hard for me to pick a winner from this pool of ho-hum-ers. But I will because I must.
Best Dressed: Penelope Cruz - head to toe she looked the part of a red carpet star.
Worst Dressed: Drew Barrymore - this was an obvious choice for me.
Now on to Screen Actors Guild Awards. Bring on the fashion. Let's hope they dress themselves (or their stylists dress them) better this time.
BYLINE:
Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.
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