"Peace and Love, Ringo, but you're a dumbass."

By Sean Leary

There are still two months left, but so far 2008 has a really strong contender for Idiot Celebrity of the Year.

Number one with a bullet: Ringo "Dumbass" Starr.



Last week, the former Beatle, who should be kissing the living and dead asses of his three former bandmates whose talent carried him, basically told his fans, who afforded him the riches and career he continued to have beyond 1971, to go fuck themselves.

In a sarcastic, snide video that can be seen on Ringo's website, as well as on YouTube...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pUsBqDfnIzk

...Ringo tells his fans he doesn't want them to send him "any more fan mail, or photos to be autographed" because he's "too busy" to answer the letters and has "too much going on."

Ringo, Ringo, Ringo.

Perhaps none of the thousands of celebrities you've met in your life have mentioned this to you, but this is how it works:

You HIRE SOMEONE ELSE to answer your fan mail.

Yes. You hire a couple of people to answer it, and have a rubber stamp with your signature made, and they rubber stamp it. That way, you don't have to deal with it - something that's usually impossible for celebs who get hundreds of letters a day, or week - and your fans remain happy.

Also, let's face it: At this point, anyone who is still writing you fan mail is a.) a luddite who hasn't discovered e-mail; b.) nearing the age of social security; and c.) possibly a psycho stalker.

And if the answer is c.) you probably don't want to piss those people off. Ask John Lennon.



So, instead of risking that by putting out your stupid-ass video, you should've just hired yourself some "administrative assistants" and continued on your merry way. In fact, I'm shocked you didn't do that a long, long, long time ago.

Now, if you did have those people, and you're just getting too cheap to pay them anymore, then you're just a skinflint stupid-ass, because I'm sure the Beatles music brings you millions of dollars in royalties each year. More than enough to spare a couple hundred G's in assistants' salaries and benefits.

But if you were ignorant to that option, I'm really shocked.

Oh, and BTW, just because you say "peace and love" after or before everything in a dismissive fashion, it doesn't mean that the accompanying insult doesn't count. It's like the preface, "Now don't get me wrong, I really like so-and-so, BUT..."

There's only one way to salvage this, Ringo.

Say the video was a joke.

Say it was part of a fake documentary on the Beatles or some type of performance art piece or something like that.

People will buy that. The Beatles were always known for having an odd sense of humor. And besides, as mentioned above, anyone who is still sending you fan mail is probably a little on the obsessed side anyway, so they'll probably stop highlighting portions of "Catcher in the Rye" in between gun cleanings and marathon push-ups sessions and easily forgive you.

So, take my advice.

Repeat after me.

In a Liverpudlian accent.

"It was only a joke."

That's all.

Peace and love. Peace and love.



BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and an upcoming memoir "Get That Baby A Coke: My Life As A Freak Magnet."