“One step for man, one giant step for manhood.”

By Jason Tanamor

OK, now we’re getting somewhere. In an interesting article I stumbled across the other day, apparently, men DO have trouble hearing women. Men who are accused of never listening by women now have an excuse - women’s voices are more difficult for men to listen to than other men’s, a report said, according to an article by the Associated Press.



Michael Hunter, a researcher on the report, says, “The female voice is actually more complex than the male voice, due to differences in the size and shape of the vocal cords and larynx between men and women, and also due to women having greater natural ‘melody’ in their voices.”

This study, conveniently coming out as football season is beginning, is something we, and by we I mean men, should really take seriously. According to the article, Men deciphered female voices using the auditory part of the brain that processes music, while male voices engaged a simpler mechanism.

Hence, the reason why men like to gather together every Sunday between the months of September and January is because, during football season, all we hear are male grunts and John Madden. Their voices are simple to listen to. If men heard, say Celine Dion and Michael Jackson, not only would we not watch as much football, we’d be taking on new activities such as jamming forks into our eyes.



So, what women should do to combat this report is to either A) start talking to men in low, baritone voices, possibly through a medium channeling the late Barry White or through Rosie O’Donnell, something they could use to say, Clean out the garage, Mow the lawn, and The den needs painting, or B) find a report that suggests women’s voices are simple to listen to and when listened to forces men to enjoy going to the opera, talking about feelings, and realizing that when women say, “I’m fine,” it really means they’re mad and pissed off and certainly not fine.

Having the female voice more complex to listen to probably explains the excessive usage of words such as compassion, sympathetic, and understanding, which causes men to NOT understand why he’s in the wrong because a man’s vocabulary doesn’t go beyond one syllable words. If women used words such as dude, yo, and way, then possibly communication could be furthered and who knows, that garage may be cleaned out. And I’m not referring to men pulling the car out and driving to the nearest bar.

And as the article states, “This (a woman voice) causes a more complex range of sound frequencies than in a male voice,” men should therefore not be responsible when he “accidentally” forgets to take out the trash or “accidentally” goes to a bar after work.

Now, all we, and by we I mean men, need is a report that gets men out of calling women the next day.

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Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."