"Filipino parents are driving me American."

By Jason Tanamor

I grew up with, you guessed it, two arms and two legs. But aside from that, I also grew up with Filipino parents. If you’ve ever met a person with Filipino parents, you’ll understand that the first question they will ask you is, "What do you do?"



It doesn’t matter if you’re gifted in any other way - you could have split the atom for all intensive purposes - the only thing they’ll tell you is, "Let’s forget about splitting the atom for one second. That’s been done before. What do you do?"

Filipino parents always want to know what a person does. That way, they could tell other Filipino people, who in turn will tell other Filipino people, and on and on until what you do is broadcast across the world.

The fact is, Filipino parents are like the media, only worse. They’re actually like the tabloids because, eventually, your business will slightly be changed by someone, almost like a bad game of telephone, in which soon you’ll go from practicing medicine and splitting the atom to taking medicine with a guy named Adam.

Another thing that’s constant with Filipino parents is choppy English. My father, whom I call dad, has been in the states for more than 30 years. He still speaks choppy English. Fortunately for me, I’ve learned to make out what he’s saying simply by listening very closely, adapting to the lack of slang he possesses, and most importantly, guessing when all else fails.

When I don’t understand, the first thing I do is act like I’m competing in a game show. He will say something and then I will reply something to this effect: "Table in the living room. Put things on it. PASS!" He will say it again and I will reply: "Turning water into wine. Splitting a child in half. Noah. PASS!" He will say it a third time, and since there’s usually a time limit, I make a guess. "What are bible stories?"



(Picture: Jason's parents, Jason, Dave Coulier from "Full House.")

This will go on until I either, A) understand what he’s saying B) continue on with round two or C) commit myself into the "Kids With Filipino Parents They Can’t Understand" clinic, which incidentally has expanded threefold across the country since 1995.

This only happens with the children. I can’t imagine what my friends go through when talking to my parents, or other Filipino people over the age of 50 they come across. What they would probably do is surrender any winnings they’ve already received and settle for the consolation prize, perhaps a two person cruise to Alaska where he and a guest will commit themselves into a "Friends of People With Filipino Parents They Can’t Understand" clinic, which by the way is not expanding as rapidly.

So to sum up:

1. The first thing you’ll be asked is "What do you do?" The correct response is either, doctor, lawyer, millionaire.

2. The next thing you’ll do is spend all day trying to decipher what the hell they’re talking about. In fact, the first step may not even happen at all. This is what I’ve just made out the thirty plus years I’ve been around them. They really could be saying, "What would you like to do?" or "Do you like Xanadu?" or even "Did you watch CSI this week?" Who the hell knows?

But since we’ve come this far, the correct response would be to smile and quickly disappear into an area where there are people under the age of 35.

3. And finally, when a Filipino person you don’t know approaches you with some outrageous story you don’t understand, know that your original story has traveled far and wide to another Filipino person, and so on and so on until you find yourself defending your well being on an episode of Oprah.

"Oprah, I really wasn’t caught canoodling with Justin Timberlake. What I was doing was fishing with my friend Justine at Timmer Lake."

"I see," Oprah will say. "Now let’s see what’s under the audience’s chairs. Oh look, we’re giving away free pillows."

"Ooh," the audience will cheer. "Pillows."

"And ooh," Dave Coulier will cheer, "Help me!"

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Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."