Everywhere I've gone over the last couple of weeks I've been besieged by ads for "Nights in Rodanthe," and in having to look at the title of this movie over and over again, it hits me just how strange and unwieldy it is.
It's not the "Nights" part. Nope, lots of great movies with "Nights" in the title. The one that comes to mind is one of my recent faves, "Talladega Nights."
Or the "in" part. Nah, plenty of movies with "in" in the title, no ish there.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's the "Rodanthe" thing.
Sure sure sure, not everything has to take place in a city with an easily pronouncable or recognizable name, but there's just something about Rodanthe that bothers me.
Perhaps because it sounds like a monster Godzilla would've fought? Or maybe a venereal disease Godzilla would've caught?
That could be it.
I just picture this giant cockroach-looking thing that's just afill with pestilence and grossosity, sliming up poor Godzilla as the dude's trying to save Tokyo and the earth in general.
And then Godzilla gets done with a hard day's work, kicking this cockroach thing's ass - said cockroach thing later being discovered to be named Rodanthe - and Godzilla drags his tired lizardness back into the sea, with only the muttered .... thank you's from some Japanese people standing on the observation deck of a boat or a skyscraper as appreciation.
And of course the irony of that is that due to bad dubbing, their voices aren't heard until a few seconds after their mouths move so by the time the sound finally gets to Godzilla's ears he's already half in the drink and can't hear them amidst the sound of the surf anyway, so he goes down to the briny depths thinking he's just busted his ass for very little appreciation.
Poor Godzilla.
At least he's got some beers and a Tombstone pizza and a new issue of "Us Weekly" to read. And maybe there's a game on that night, or some "American Gladiators." Yeah.
But then a few days later, Godzilla begins to notice an odd rash on him, a rash that he didn't have before, a rash that he didn't have before he fought that giant cockroach thing, that Rodanthe.
So then, after a few days, he decides to go to the doctor, and it turns out he's got some sort of virulent form of alien VD, also called Rodanthe, because it's been spread all over the universe by that cockroach beast slut thing that's been out skanking it up like that sleazy dude in "Kids."
(Somewhere Chloe Sevigny is reading this and going, "Damn it! Damn it! I knew I shouldn't have slept with that giant alien cockroach thing for that movie! No wonder it's so painful when I urinate! Damn you and your method acting, Larry Clark!!!!")
And it's all because nobody but Godzilla had had the stones to kick this Rodanthe thing's ass before this time. Damn! You suck, Chewbacca!
So anyway, Godzilla goes to the doctor and they drop the news on him, and he's freakin' pissed. He's like, "But I never slept with a giant slutty cockroach thing! I'm a safe giant lizard! I always use protection!"
And the doctor, he's seen it all before, so he's like, "Sure you do, Godzilla, sure you always use protection," and he's like rolling his eyes behind Godzilla's back as he's writing out a scrip for an alien penicillin prescription.
So then Godzilla has to go to the pharmacy at Walgreens and they're giving him dirty glances because of what he's there for, and he's like "What?!? What?!? I didn't SLEEP WITH Rodanthe! I just got this from fighting with it! I kicked its ass!"
And the salty pharmacist is all demure up front, but behind his back he's saying to the other pharmacy workers, "Yeah, right, Godzilla, we know how you roll." Because you know damn well that Mothra, who works at the camera counter at Walgreens, be talkin' shit about Godzilla behind Godzilla's back. Damn it, Mothra, why you gotta be that way?
So anyway, then Godzilla takes his medicine, and because there's a happy ending to this story, his Rodanthe ends up getting all taken care of, and he's clean as a whistle and ready to get his dragon on again.
And then eventually he meets his match, a hot female giant lizard thing, because there's that baby Godzilla in the future movies, so, you see, there is a happy ending for Godzilla after all, and he does end up having good karma for all the times he's saved the earth from giant monsters, especially Rodanthe, his most wicked foe yet.
But that's why I don't like the movie title "Nights in Rodanthe."
Because of Godzilla.
We really should be more appreciative of him, you know.
BYLINE:
Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and an upcoming memoir "Get That Baby A Coke: My Life As A Freak Magnet."
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