"A Halloween announcement from the President."

By Michael Angelo

My fellow Americans; we’ve been cruising down a bumpy highway for the past eight years. As we approach the final exit ramp of my presidency, I am confident that the road will be smoothly paved. Unfortunately, the motorcade of optimism has hit a deep pothole of dissension. Trusted advisors have stated that my approval rating is lower than the retail price of Spam at a Baghdad Deli. Does anything get lower than that? Don’t answer; it was just a...(long pause) it was a rhetoretical question.



Hopefully this doesn’t sound egotistical, but I’m disappointed with seventy percent of you. For years I busted my butt spreading freedom across the Middle East, ridding their dictators of massively destructive weapons, protecting our homeland; and this is how you repay me.

I’ll get over it, but remember this: when a country loses faith in its leader, his popularity isn’t the only thing that diminishes. National morale also spirals downward. That is something America can not afford. So I have devised a solution to restore faith in government.

We must bleed red, white, and blue again; and what better time to start than during our Halloween preparations? Uh-oh, I hear the purists wailing that Halloween isn’t supposed to be a patriotic holiday; that it’s all about candy and those whatchamacallits...those jacklanders. Heck, we have the freedom to stuff ourselves with candy and carve jacklanders any day of the year, but the gaping cultural divide must be addressed as soon as possible. Unity is essential to overall stability and global progress. Let’s get back to rooting for the home team.

My suggestion is to dress up as one of your favorite candidates from the current political scene. Once you’ve walked around the block in their wing tipped shoes, a surge of renewed patriotism will sprout from your loins, and it will feel fantastic.

Here are a few costume ideas along with simple step-by-step instructions.

John McCain

1) Throw on a cheap suit.
2) Insert an entire package of Big League Chew bubble gum into your lower left jaw (grape flavor recommended)
3) In a soft cartoonish voice, repeat the mantra “I’m a maverick.”

Warning: resist the urge to blow bubbles with your gum. Bubble blowing does not constitute maverick behavior.



Barack Obama

1) Since Barack raised ass loads of money, throw on a suit that’s totally pimpin’
2) Insert an American flag pin into the jacket’s left lapel.
3) Admire pin through a mirror.
4) After ten seconds say, “Nah!”
5) Remove pin and bury it in the backyard
6) Encourage your dog to pee directly over the burial site (optional)

CIA Warning: Proceeding past step number three might result in federal prosecution under provisions of the Patriot Act.

Ralph Nader

1) Suit should be obtained from a Goodwill store.
2) Socks must be at least two decades old.
3) While passing out candy, scream profanities at children for walking over your lawn. Accuse the offender’s parents of being unfit to raise sea monkeys.

Hillary Clinton

All you’ll need is a brightly colored pantsuit. Magenta, teal, and canary yellow are all fine choices.

Note - since tradition requires that every female Halloween costume, from nurse to zombie, be tailored to resemble the attire of a Heidi Fleiss call girl, you might want to significantly lower the pants portion in order to expose Hillary’s thong.

Hot tip from Bill - Hillary’s thongs are day-glo orange.

Dick Cheney

1) Suit should be bland.
2) Practice your meanest scowl for two weeks prior to the festivities.
3) Flash the scowl throughout your party/candy collecting journey.
4) When approaching front porches, abandon the traditional greeting of “Trick or Treat” and say “Go Fuck Yourself.”
5) If anyone has the nerve to pass out apples, shoot them.

Sarah Palin

Start off with a pair of stripper heels, then let your imagination run wild.

Happy Halloween from Washington D.C.; and God bless America.

BYLINE:

Michael Angelo is a Connecticut based accountant. In his spare time he hosts a humor blog that is universally read, assuming that your definition of universal is two Canadian housewives and a schizophrenic man who claims to speak telepathically with the Sultan of Brunei. Visit Michael Angelo at www.myspace.com/humorwriter or contact him at bikemike101@hotmail.com. All income tax related questions will be answered incorrectly for personal amusement.