"What if Rosie was a Super-Villain?"

By Sean Leary

OK! magazine, the periodical for people who love exclamation marks in the titles of their magazines, recently ran a poll.



The question of great impact on which they solicited opinions?

"If Rosie O'Donnell went up against "The View," who would win?"

The results (52 percent for "The View," 48 percent for Rosie) aren't really important. But what is vitally important is the fact that after seeing that vague, broad survey question, I started to envision what that battle would be like if all of those involved had super-powers.

Imagine it for a second. You know Rosie would have super-strength, like the Hulk. One minute she's nice Rosie, the David Banner side, and then, before you know it, she becomes a massive, green, Hercules of rage.

She'd be battling against Barbara Walters, who I imagine would be something like a witch or the X-Men's Storm, controlling the weather.

Joy Behar would be sort of like Toad, I think. Her eyes would glow and she'd emit some deadly, sulphurous substance from her maw.

Elisabeth Hasselbeck would be like the invisible girl - cute but pretty useless.

And then Meredith Vieira (now with NBC) would be like Professor X - a powerful telepath.

Let's just leave Whoopi "The Mighty Thor-ess" Goldberg out of it, since this was never really her riot.

Here's how the battle would go down: Walters would create a hurricane to try to slow Rosie down, but it would only enrage her all the more, making her stronger (and a darker shade of green).

Behar's acidic emissions would burn Hulk-Rosie, but her super-healing would prevent any real damage and the pain would only make her worse.

Hasselbeck would try to enclose Rosie in an invisible shield or send invisible cannonballs her way, but Hulk-Rosie would smash through them.



In the end, Hulk-Rosie would only be subdued when Professor V (Vieira) would use her telepathic powers to get into the rampaging beast's head and calm her down with soothing pictures of kittens, brownies and the music of Barry Manilow.

This would cause Hulk-Rosie's blood pressure to dive, negating the rage that's the source of her power.

Thus subdued, she could then be defeated and sent to the laboratory of Larry King for further studies, in the form of on-air interviews.

That is, until that day when the Legion of Liberal Super-Villains sprung her from King's top-secret military complex located in the New Mexico desert.

On that day, Michael "Rhino" Moore, Hillary "Mystique" Clinton, Jane "Sabertooth" Fonda and the wondertwin duo of Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon would be led by the environmental caped crusader Al "Magneto" Gore, and would lay waste to King's mutant prison, freeing Hulk-Rosie and wreaking havoc across the pop cultural environment by robbing banks, stealing nuclear weapons and holding benefit concerts.

Even the mighty Professor V will be daunted by this vulgar display of power. The ladies from "The View" will be powerless to stop it!

There will be only thing they can do: Call in The Avengers Of Fox News to do battle.

And then call OK! magazine to hold a poll over who will win in the battle.

Another poll that's just about as absurd as anything you've read here.

Or, for that matter, most of what you typically read in OK! magazine.



BYLINE:

Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and an upcoming memoir "Get That Baby A Coke: My Life As A Freak Magnet."