“I have a job. I'm a writer.”

By Jason Tanamor

Listen, I’m tired of answering the same question over and over. “What do you do for work?” Every time I get asked this question, the response I give is always the same. “I’m a writer.”



“I know, but what do you do for work?”

“What?”

“I’m a waitress but I want to be an actor.”

“I’m a writer.”

“I know. But what is your job?”

“I’m a writer.”

“But what do you do?” And on and on until one of two things happens. A: I kill the person, or B: I kill myself.

Since I’m not keen into doing either one of the aforementioned actions, I go into more detail. I say, “Okay, you want to know what I really do?”

“Please.”

“I’m a writer. I write.”

“I understand. But what is your job?”

When people think of employment, it always ends up with someone complaining about his or her office, his or her co worker, or his or her boss. Frankly, I’m tired of it. If you don’t like your job, then quit. That’s what I did. Now I’m not going to go into my past employment again - the accounting thing, the producing a newscast thing, and then the exotic dancing thing (not really), but I got your attention.

However, I will say that if you have a job, then be happy you have a job. Because more and more people are losing their jobs due to crooked executives, outsourcing, and downsizing.

And if people still haven’t figured it out, yes, I’m self employed. That means, I have the luxury of waking up whenever, wearing whatever I want to work, and leaving work at whatever time I wish.



I don’t miss office politics. I don’t miss staff meetings. I don’t miss dress codes. And I certainly don’t miss the lonely secretary smiling at me in the break room, wondering if today is the day I decide to succumb to the temptation of an office romance.

However, what I do miss are the little things. Bringing a lunch to work and putting it in the fridge next to Mrs. Johnson’s microwavable lasagna. I miss arguing with the person in the next cubicle for using up my last Post it note. And lastly, I miss gawking at Christy, the receptionist working the front desk.

So, to create a work like atmosphere when there really isn’t one, I like to do little things to make me feel as if I’m in an office. And if you are self employed and feeling the same way as I do, listen up:

1. Bag your lunch and put it in the refrigerator. Be sure to write your name on it so no one will mistake it for his/her own.

2. Every once in a while, get into an argument with yourself. Act like it’s a co worker who just said something nasty about you behind your back. Stand up, look at the empty chair and yell, “How dare you talk about me behind my back?” Then turn and leave the room. Be careful not to get too angry, as emotions may run amuck, forcing you to return to the empty chair and scream, “You bitch!”

3. If you wish to have an office romance, talk dirty to your hand, but also compliment it. Say things like, “You are looking lovely today, you little devil, you.” But don’t be too suave because your hand may take to your advances. This may lead to an interoffice fling and your hand may file a sexual harassment suit on you, which may lead you to be suspended without pay or worse, a restraining order on your hand.

Doing these three simple things, you too can feel like you’re part of a team. Now, whenever someone asks the question, “What do you do for work?” you can give an honest answer such as, “I sit at my desk and look busy.” Sort of what you did while you weren't self employed.

BYLINE:

Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous."