Christmas is a special time of year. It's a time when you see all those people you love and all those people you have to see for the simple fact that you're related. I think as much as everyone LOVES this holiday there are some fundamental issues we cannot control. (Like our relatives’ choice in conversational topics). The following are some ideas I've come up with and actually practice myself. These are actual issues I run into every year and this is how I handle them in a sane manner. Because there's no sense in having your holiday NOT be as potentially awesome as possible. Please enjoy and I hope everyone has a SPECTACULAR holiday.
1. Do not eat the crescent cookies. You didn't like them last year, you will not like them this year. Spend the calories on a sure thing - the lemon squares (mmm). (This is in my case, you may have a specific cookie you do this with. But for some reason every year I think, hey a crescent cookie, maybe I'll like it, then WHAM, no!!!! Nuts!!!)
2. Bring your own wine. You know you'll have an alcoholic beverage that you will enjoy. If you get stuck drinking Dewar’s, it's your own fault.
3. Dress in comfy clothing. Things are going to start expanding every which way. You want to be comfortable. The baggier the better. Actually, you may just want to go with a Muumuu made of fleece.
4. If you feel like taking a nap at any point, do it. Sneak off and take this time to hide from those who are driving you crazy. And get some much needed rest for the all-nighter present opening fiesta.
5. Practice your "Oh, I love it" face early, often, and in the mirror. Practice makes perfect. If you have the face down then you have the time to check under the lid of the box to make sure the receipt is taped to it. Now you know you can return said heinous gift and no one is the wiser.
6. Forget something on purpose. It's good to have a brief escape plan. I used to use this trick so that I could run away for a cigarette. But it's still useful even when you don't smoke but you are in a rage anyway. Go blow off some steam while making an Eggnog run. And spread the love, if you know a relative who may need this time too, kidnap them and bring them on the E.N.R (eggnog run). Tis’ the season of giving, don't forget it.
7. Don't hover by the dip. Doing so will guarantee that you will run into the family member you dislike. Grab your chips, shrimp, veggies, grab another plate and get all the dip you want and then, like a stealth plane, get the hell out. Make sure you don't have to return for at least 20 minutes. The disliked relative is usually a hoverer. You will be cornered with little opportunity for escape. I repeat, do not hover by the dip. (This may be the most important tip.)
8. If you're staying somewhere that bedrooms/beds are an issue arrive early. Get in, set your bags down in the right bedroom, and take a nap. At minimum roll around on top of the bed so that you clearly show your ownership of the bed. No one wants to sleep on a pillow you've already drooled on. The ideal sleeping place is key. You can't enjoy Christmas when sleeping on a cot.
9. Bring an extra, unassigned gift. Have it wrapped and ready with no name on it. Odds are you're going to forget someone random, who will have remembered YOU and you'll feel bad. So if you have the gift ready, you look just as on the ball as the random person. My suggestion for this gift is a nice smelly CANDLE. Men like candles, women like candles, kids like to burn things. It works out.
10. And lastly, be nice to your mother. She went through a lot of trouble to make a nice Christmas dinner and buy you all that shit you don't need. Bring her an extra bottle of booze. (Again, this is in my case. You may want to bring something else). But it's always nice to bring a hostess gift to the person who's putting you up and making you food. Alcohol is generally well received. In my mother's case it's vital.
I hope these tips help you enjoy your family Christmas. These are just some things I've learned over the years. And if my wisdom can somehow enhance someone’s Christmas celebration, then GO ME!
~MERRY CHRISTMAS~
BYLINE:
Bry Schulz is a writer, photographer, and mother who really hates squash. Not necessarily the game but definitely the vegetable. Email Bry at bry@zoiksonline.com.
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