What did you have for breakfast this morning?
Orange juice? Me too!
Coffee? Me too!
Leftover pizza? Me too!
I guess there must be some special bond between us. Something unique. Something real. You know, I haven't felt this way since I read that Charlize Theron likes to drink Red Bull - just like me. I hadn't felt that way since I had read that Sarah Michelle Gellar is a big fan of tiramisu - just like me.
Those revelations were so important to me, my sense of identity and my sense of well-being, because they gave me a tangible, iron-clad link to someone famous. And that, we all know, is the key to true self-worth.
So, I guess what I'm saying is, thank you, “Entertainment Weekly.”
But it's not just EW that deserves my gratitude. I read a lot of entertainment writing. Tons of magazines, books, websites, you name it. So I see a lot of the same phrases and conventions over and over again. One of those tropes is that if the writer of a celebrity profile is meeting the star over a meal, and they typically are, they'll always describe what the person is eating, as if it's an incredibly pertinent detail.
"Brad Pitt orders his ostrich egg omelet with baby capers, pre-pubescent squid ink and just a touch of middle-aged cilantro..." Why would anyone care what Brad Pitt, or any other celebrity is eating? I mean, really, unless they're scarfing something incredibly weird, exotic, or illegal - heroin and spotted owl quesadilla, anyone? - who gives a gosh darn about it? Or even a golly-gee willikers about it?
Does it really make you feel closer to the person to know what they're eating? Honestly? Does it surprise anyone? It's as if there's some intrinsic news value in the fact that celebrities eat food. As if everyone thought that once they became famous, they were suddenly able to get their nourishment solely from wearing kabala bracelets.
All legal and illegal stimulants aside, they do have to eat to live. Still, they must not eat very often, because when they do it during an interview, they're not very demur about it. In stories, celebrities are always described as "digging in" or "tearing in" or "ripping into" their food, as if they're Velociraptors devouring the fat D-list actor who gets bumped off first in "Jurassic Park 4."
Now, if they actually did leap onto their chairs, squat on their haunches, bare hand the greasy food and attack it before throwing it, still warm, into their mouths, it would be one thing. But, with the possible exception of Star Jones, I'm guessing they don't.
Now, some lame-o writers might say that they're using the food as a metaphor for the celebrity's zeal for life or whatever project they've got going on. Right.
Some might say they put those details in because they're really trying to capture every detail of a story, although I never see those same writers go so far as to tell me what the celebrity smells like.
And other writers might admit that they either put those clichés in just to break up dialogue, or, most likely, to slyly boast that they, the writer, actually got to have a meal with a major star.
Personally, I'd prefer to see the space devoted to something more important. Such as news about the subject's latest project, in-depth analysis of the star's creative process, or, titillating, lascivious details on other famous people they've slept with.
But hey, that's just me.
The guy who had orange juice, coffee and leftover pizza for breakfast - just like Jennifer Aniston and Shakira!!!
BYLINE:
Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.
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