It's that time of the year again, which is a lot better than that time of the month. The time to make a New Year's resolution. You know the kind I'm talking about, the one that lasts for about three seconds. The 'I'm going to get in shape this year,' or 'I'm going to quit smoking,' one that is heard every single year. The one you swear by. "No, this year I'm really going to get in shape."
I don't think one resolution has ever made it to summer. The reason is because according to the average person, the year only lasts for three months. You hear it all the time. "I can't believe it's March already. This year has flown by."
People always say the year has flown by, without it even being close to over yet.
That's why, according to these people, it's okay to break their New Year's resolution. They figure, if the year is over by March anyway, why not start smoking again when spring hits?
In order to keep resolutions from being broken too soon, why not have ones that you’ll know you're going to keep, like “I’m going to read every story about Tiger Woods.” Or, (if you’re not in to following entertainment stories) "This year, I'm going to eat whatever I want. I'm going to hit every drive-thru in my area until I bleed mayonnaise."
That way, at the end of the year, you'll be assured that your well thought out New Year's resolution was not just talk. Too bad you'll be 100 pounds overweight and the first to have a heart attack. But this is exciting to you since you've never been first in anything. Maybe except the time you won the 50-yard dash in grade school. But even that didn't count because you jumped off the starting line seconds before the cap gun went off. So being the first to have a heart attack doesn't really bother you.
With celebs beating up their wives ala Charlie Sheen, messing around on their wives ala Tiger Woods and David Letterman, and those losing their wives ala Brittany Murphy’s husband, there are a lot of other issues that you could have on your shoulders. After all, you could be one of these people. Think about their New Year’s resolutions.
“Honey, I swear this is the last beat down. Now where are my Hanes?”
If your year wasn’t as great as you’d hope, you could take a lesson from Al Qaeda, which goes out and “claims” responsibility for a failed terrorist attack like the one we saw in Detroit involving Abdulmutallab. Does Al Qaeda realize the plan failed? What’s next? Al Qaeda coming out to “claim” the responsibility of the Chicago Cubs?
“We are also responsible for all things Mark Prior.”
Having said this, I'd like to give my New Year's resolution:
I'd like to change the world - but I don't know what it wears. Maybe something in plaid with a butterfly collar, but I'm really not sure. The only thing I fear is the world saying to me, "Does this dress make the Atlantic Ocean look fat?" And to this I'll lie and utter, "No, I like the way the seams highlight your reefs."
Of course this won't happen, because I can never keep my New Year's resolution for more than three seconds. And this is why the world is in the shape it is, which incidentally is more in shape than you. Now, what’s William Baldwin up to?
BYLINE:
Jason Tanamor is the Editor of Zoiks! Online. He is also the author of the novels, "Hello Lesbian!" and "Anonymous." Email Jason at jason@zoiksonline.com.
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