Welcome to the column for all carbon-based lifeforms. If you breathe oxygen, this is the one for you. And if you live on a planet, especially earth, well then, you've come to the right place.
Sorry, but I'm just following the new trend in advertising: Casting as absurdly wide a net as possible.
There used to be a time when products were advertised to a fairly specialized base. Each of them could be counted on to pander in their own unique way.
You'd have your commercials aimed at seniors where someone sincere who used to be on TV when it was still in black-and-white would give a testimonial to whatever product they were shilling. Said commercial ended with the person looking into the camera and intoning something to the effect of, "And you know why I, Wilfred Brimley, recommend Aunt Bea's Fiberrific Oatmeal? (Dramatic pause.) Because I eat it too."
Then there were the opposite extremes - the ads aimed at kids and adolescents. You'd get loud music, quick cuts, scenes of people skateboarding off the rails at the Grand Canyon, some cute, acne-free twentysomethings posing as teens and a voice-over guy yelling the merits of NEW! EXTREME! INSAAAAAAAANE! CHEET-OS!
Somewhere in between you had ads aimed at guys (which usually featured attractive women, or athletes giving a testimonial) or ads aimed at women (which usually featured attractive athletes, or women giving a testimonial).
But somewhere along the way, marketers, in their zeal to lure in customers, started to get increasingly desperate - and vague. One automobile company markets its SUV/minivan/whatever they're calling their human transport right now as "the car for life."
The car for life. Because so many of those other cars are made for zombies, vampires, ghosts, the traditionally dead, or Tom Cruise. I think most cars aside from the hearse are made for life, but maybe that's just me.
Then there's "the TV for men and women." I'm really glad they finally made one of those. I'd grown tired of having to share the tube with my dogs, who tend to want to watch "Lassie" and Animal Planet over and over again. And those electronics companies were so arrogant about ignoring we humans as well. Heck, RCA even blatantly rubbed it in our faces by making sets that were tailored to specific canines - Jack Russell terriers - and then to completely chap us, they put two of the condescending mutts in their logo.
But it's not just big ticket items getting the universal net treatment. I kid you not, this is a direct quote from the late night Colon Cleanse infomercial playing on TV right now: “Anyone who has an intestinal tract, AND anyone who eats, needs to watch this!”
Now THAT’S called targeting a very specific market. Boy, there are demographers out there that are seething with envy after hearing that. But there are always loopholes, and the hard-hitting questioners in the crowd of an infomercial can consistently be counted on to find them. I can imagine the exchange...
AUDIENCE MEMBER: “Uhhh, yeah, uhhh, I have an intestinal tract, but I don't eat. I manufacture nourishment through photosynthesis. Is Colon Cleanse still for me?”
PROGRAM SHILL: “Of course. Half-man, half-vegetable swamp things ALSO need to be detoxified on a regular basis.”
Cue star soaring across the screen trailing NBC Peacock rainbow bearing the slogan... “The More You Know...”
Although in that case, perhaps the less you know, the better. So, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to end this column for all readers. After all, I've got two jealous dogs to taunt and zombie hitchhikers to avoid.
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Sean Leary's recent and current projects include the alt-rock "Spinal Tap" comedy film "Your Favorite Band" (www.yourfavoritebandthefilm.com), the award-winning short story collection "Every Number Is Lucky To Someone" (available in bookstores nationwide and on Amazon.com) and his website: www.getyourgoodnews.com.
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