“Don't blame Tiger Woods; he is just a dork.”

By Bob Zerull

When it comes to celebrities I rarely feel bad for any of them when a scandal like this breaks. I don’t feel for Tiger Woods and I don’t feel for his wife Elin. The biggest mistake Tiger made is that he tried to maintain this clean cut dorky image, but was out living the rock star life. If you’re going to be a rock star then accept that branding and go with it. If this story broke for Michael Jordan or maybe even Charles Barkley it would come and go without too much damage to their reputations. It some cases, i.e. Dennis Rodman, it might actually add to their legacy.



If I were Tiger Woods I wouldn’t stay in hiding too long. The story is not going to go away on its own. Get back out on the course and play through it. It doesn’t matter when he decides to come back, because when he does the media is going to be all over him. Pick a small tournament like the John Deere Classic to come back to. Said tournament will get a ratings boost and Tiger can play like crap in a tournament that’s not important. It won’t matter that everyone will talk about the affairs. After that tournament the talk will start to fade. America loves a good come back and he’s not the first dead beat husband celebrity and won’t be the last.

I also mentioned that I didn’t feel bad for Elin either. I’m not saying that because I believe she beat him with a golf club. I’m saying it because she’s only with Tiger Woods because he’s Tiger Woods. If Tiger was named Bob Zerull and was an accountant pretending to be a journalist then she wouldn’t be with him. Instead, he’s Tiger Woods, the best golfer ever, worth nearly a billion dollars.



Tiger’s a dork who is really good at golf. Look at him. He’s got big front teeth; he looks like he belongs in line for the next “Star Trek” movie or new video game system coming out. He’s the kind of guy who goes to the strip club and believes that the stripper that’s paying him extra attention actually likes him. I’ve heard a number of men joke about how they are proud that Tiger’s not the dork they thought he was. Sure he is. He’s falling for each and every one of these girls. That’s what dorks do. Believe me, I’m a dork.

Now, imagine you walk by a bunch of dorks waiting in line to get tickets for “Star Wars” three months before it comes out. You’re probably going to be thinking one of two things. Look at all these virgins, or where are all the girls? Now, imagine one day after years of frustration these guys are able to have all the girls they want. Each and every one of them would fall for every girl they could get their hands on, because they’re not used to that.

That doesn’t make what Tiger did OK. You don’t cheat on your wife and you don’t put your kids through this kind of mess. It’s not right. Truth is Tiger should not have gotten married. He should have gone the Derek Jeter route and stayed single until he was ready to settle down. I’m not going to boycott Tiger, it’d be hypocritical. I’m a big fan of bands like Motley Crue and Aerosmith. I can’t support party bands like that and then turn my back on a fellow dork like Tiger Woods. All I can do is remain faithful to my wife and daughter, which shouldn’t be a problem considering I’m a giant dork.



BYLINE:

Bob Zerull is a frequent movie and concert goer who talks about his ventures to arenas and theaters more than any person should be allowed to do. Now, he puts them down on paper. Visit: www.cadaverchristmas.com. Email Bob at bob@zoiksonline.com.